A Knight Beneath The Sea

Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:23 am

Before you read my little story, please note that it was written in about twenty minutes on a wim, at 5 am with little checking(so probably spelling errors). My objective here is to be short and sweet. I want to draw the reader in as much as I can - please let me know if you were drawn in at any one moment. This is just a small exercise for me, based off of one of my own characters in Morrowind.













"What did you do then sir?" a voice pleaded intently, as if the answer to the question would grant him eternal life.
"Well, friend. I couldn't see very well in the dark, as you might imagine not many humans can." He paused in momentary reflection before continuing "It was flashes of black and total silence; as though I were standing before a grave which extended into the core of the earth..."
"My lord?" the young man questioned as he reached to brace his lord, who now reeled heavily from coughing. Though unknown to the servant, it was to cover the crackling within his voice which fear contested and drew heavily upon him, like the last wind on the day of Armageddon. Each word he uttered was an embittered memory which reflected the events of that night in stark familiarity.
"I am fine." the old man wheezed . "You may call me, Akmeth from now on. Our situation hardly fosters any of the formalities of lordship, wouldn't you agree?" he smiled slyly, the wrinkles from an aging process far to kind lended to him the benevolent appearance of a well to do grandfather. His white beard was perfectly kept, like a string pearls neatly arranged in an overlay.
"Yes, sir - Akmeth, I am sorry; please continue your story!" the boy smiled, pleased to see his benefactor recover.
"The listlessness of the hollow seemed to close in around me, as though it were alive somehow. Most foul and malevolent auras radiated from within that place. It was a taint the likes of which I had never seen, seeping through the ground, permeating the air and distilling the water...chilling the water; and the fire of my torch - snuffed and froze like a namelss carcass on the tundra of solesthiem. It was a grim reminder, the lightless flame at my feet, as I spent the hours alone with nothing but my intuition and an overactive imagination to keep me company; and company it certainly did keep me as it created terrifying images in the dark. Rotten, old, jaded and torn - their hands reached for me, their legs dragged, twitching and the twisted visage they possessed smiled a decayed grin in my mind."
The young mans eyes were transfixed for the moment, entirely captivated by the old mans telling. What a horrible place he wondered to himself how on earth could he even sustain his own sanity in a place like that and to endure it for hours no less! Any other man might have been driven insane.
"What happened, Akmeth?"
"Well, eventually I lost my grip and drew my sword and swung wildly into the dark like a crazed berserker. Whatever was in the dark didn't expect such a reaction as I caught it on my blade! It fell against me momentarily before I felt its claw release my neck and slump to the floor. I wandered down the cave a ways until I fell into a stream which rushed me into the ocean below and out to sea. I eventually caught sight of shore and swam to it."
"That's absolutely fascinating...whatever was it?" the young knight asked expectantly, almost irritated by the lack of information.
"Well I'm not quite sure." Akmeth smiled "You see, after the encounter I led a small excursion back to the cave out of curiosity and we didn't find anything." the old man requited with a curious inflection in his voice as he turned his back to the young knight to feel the cavern wall
"Why not?"
"The rocks holding up the mine collapsed in behind us." Akmeth replied holding his position suspiciously for a moment as he waited for a remark. The boys eyes flashed around the room wildly for a few seconds his arm sliding towards his sword..
"Are you afraid of the dark by any chance?" the old man asked attentively, as if the answer to the question would grant him eternal life...









If I succeeded in making this short, sweet, enjoyable and managed to draw you in - please let me know.

If this made you want to read more, please let me know.

Also, if you ever find it interesting enough to use, drop me a line!

Thanks, and i hope you enjoyed my quick little exercise writing.
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Genevieve
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:53 pm

I'd suggest putting more space between your paragraphs, bit hard to read it all when it's so closely written. But other that it does seem like a sweet story, didn't quite get the plot though. :)
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BethanyRhain
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 10:17 am

I'd suggest putting more space between your paragraphs, bit hard to read it all when it's so closely written. But other that it does seem like a sweet story, didn't quite get the plot though. :)



Yeah, Tes Kinda messes it up. But, it's just a little story about one of my characters and how be turned into a vampire in game. IT was funny because the guy I hired to help scout the cave became my first meal when I wasn't going to live long enough to get out of the cave due to hunger.

No real point or plot - just an entertaining idea, I like stories and endings you don't really expect.
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RAww DInsaww
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 4:45 am

You have succeeded in making this short, sweet, enjoyable and managed to draw me in.

I'm letting you know that I want to read more. Was the old man somehow possessed by whatever he encountered in the cave?
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Shae Munro
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 9:13 am

Hmm, very nice i needed a good read.
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Stay-C
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 8:35 am

Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Yes, he was affected by the cave, and the vampire-lich that bit him! If you all enjoyed it so much I might write more of a backstory for him!
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Rex Help
 
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Post » Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:43 pm

I agree with Serenity~ about the spacing. Just go and edit in some line breaks and it would be much easier on the eyes.

I enjoyed your descriptions, you made a short conversation very interesting. ^_^
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RaeAnne
 
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