An Anaolgy: ESO IS LIKE THIS

Post » Mon May 14, 2012 4:33 pm

The following is a satirical rendition of a hypothetical press release. It is directly anologous to how Zenimax is handling ESO and will help some understand the gravity of what Zenimax Online Studios is doing to "The Elder Scrolls" franchise. It has ACTUALLY nothing to do with Call of Duty. Feel free to repleace all mentions of "Call of Duty" in your head with "The Elder Scrolls."
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HYPOTHETICAL PRESS RELEASE EXCERPT:

DOUBLE HELIX GAMES, makers of "Battleship: The Game" are currently developing a brand new MMO for Activision's acclaimed, signature first-person shooter franchise: "Call Of Duty."

Built upon the WORLDFORGE engine, COD: ONLINE, will feature a new and exciting third-person view from which to control your soldier! Pair that with the same MMORPG mechanics so many veterans are used to, with hotkey, timer-based combat, cooldowns, but in the fast-paced, hardcoe military environment of World War One and we can't lose! The story of CODO will be a pre-pre-prequel to the Call of Duty single-player games, that sees many familiar faces on dead old French people from the first COD WW2 game, as actual main characters that you and thousands of others will control across the theaters of WW1. Why not the core FPS combat of previous COD games? Well because in an MMO that would be technically IMPOSSIBLE! (Don't google "Planetside" please).

From the Sommes to Gallipoli, you will march across decimated wastelands and war-torn landscapes to finally fire one round from your bolt-action rifle and be immediately cut down by incessant, AI driven machine-gun fire that will guarantee a historically accurate outcome to the war. Keep in mind though, the rock-paper-scissors of hotkey-based 3rd-person combat! If your opponent uses his "Mustard Gas" AOE DOT then you counter with your "Gas Mask" Interrupt and press the number 2 to fire your gun at him. svck at aiming? Don't worry, all you have to do is tab target your enemy and you will hit him in the face every time. Battles will be staggeringly huge, sometimes up to 100v100 in the same battlefield! Did we say battlefield? We meant Call-of-Duty.

Also, we've decided to approach the art-style with a more cartoony feel to it. Considering the success of games like "Team Fortress 2" we've decided to basically copy that. It'll be great, you'll love it. You have to! It has "Call of Duty" written on it! You don't want people to think you don't LOVE Call-of-Duty do you? Think of how bullied you'd get in school, and that cute girl in class would never look your way again without a lifetime subscription to CODO! Since we also own Blizzard, we'll also be able to do some cross-promotion with you WoW veterans, who will feel right at home in the trenches of WW1 since all the battlefields are basically re-skins of Arathi Basin. You can even earn some new unique gear in CODO that will give your WoW character some new looks like, a German WW1 helmet with that cool spike on the top! Imagine your level 85 Goblin wearing one of those! Badass!

Last thing, the shareholders at Activision have said that if this doesn't blow away WoW's lifetime sales in the first week and score at least 103 on Metacritic, they will close the book on all future COD projects, regardless of genre or developer. It's only fair, since we've invested more money and manpower and time into this game than any other COD before. So if you want COD to continue, you will buy this game and subscribe to it. Forever.

Love, your "bestest pal evertm,"
Robert "Bobby" Nicholson J. "I was in Moneyball with Brad Pitt" Kotick
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Sounds awesome, huh COD fans? This is what they have done to TES.
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Charlotte Buckley
 
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Post » Mon May 14, 2012 2:18 pm

Why, if a topic was locked already, would you assume that it would be ok to post the same thing a second time?
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kiss my weasel
 
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Post » Mon May 14, 2012 2:52 am

Why, if a topic was locked already, would you assume that it would be ok to post the same thing a second time?

Because it was clear that the moderator did not understand the relevance, and I had to clarfiy it, which I did. I also sent them a PM to this effect.
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D LOpez
 
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Post » Mon May 14, 2012 9:38 am

Don't repost a locked topic :nono:
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Tyrone Haywood
 
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