Because there was a lack of George Carlin here - this will be the thread to talk 'bout George Carlin. And shamelessly quote him.

What a great comedian. Very crude and touched on a lot of controversial topics. His ability to offend in the most hilarious of ways is a unique feature in stand-up.

I don't know how much of his act I can quote here without breaking rules though...

Too bad 90% of his material isn't forum appropriate


this one works though..

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
G. Carlin

edit
a few more, for Jerhicco's sake

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.





May you live forever in our memories, George... -I certainly won't forget, buddy

As George would say.. why the [censored] not?




The status quo svcks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think off-center.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

This thread - Much, much better than expected. +1 beer to Andy.

Right.. last one then, and I'll give the floor to someone else..
cuz it's 10 am.. MILLER TIME!!


modern man


I’m a modern man,
a man for the millennium.
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I’ve been up linked
..and downloaded,
I’ve been inputted
..and outsourced,

I know the upside of downsizing,
I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high-tech low-life.

A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker
..and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound.
I’m a hot-wired,
heat seeking,
warm-hearted cool customer,
voice activated
..and bio-degradable.
I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace,

so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
ahead of the curve,
ridin the wave,
dodgin the bullet
..and pushin the envelope.
I’m on-point,
on-task,
on-message
..and off drugs.
I’ve got no need for coke and speed.
I've got no urge to binge and purge.
I’m in-the-moment,
on-the-edge,
over-the-top
..and under-the-radar.
A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb.

A top-gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps
..and run victory laps.
I’m a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic.

A working rageaholic.

Out of rehab and in denial!

I’ve got a personal trainer,
a personal shopper,
a personal assistant
..and a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up.

You can’t dumb me down because I’m tireless

..and I’m wireless,

I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever,
laid-back but fashion-forward.

Up-front,
down-home,
low-rent and high-maintenance.
Super-sized,
long-lasting,
high-definition,
fast-acting,
oven-ready and built-to-last!
I’m a hands-on,
foot-loose,
knee-jerk head case
pretty maturely post-traumatic
and I’ve got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But,

I’m feeling,

I’m caring,

I’m healing,

I’m sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver.

My output is down,
..but my income is up.
I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow.

I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds
..and I watch trash sports!
I’m gender specific,
capital intensive,
user-friendly
..and lactose intolerant.

I like rough six.

I like tough love.

I use the “F” word in my emails
..and the software on my hard-drive is hardcoe


-no soft porm.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall;
I bought a mini-van at a mega-store.
I eat fast-food in the slow lane.
I’m toll-free,
bite-sized,
ready-to-wear
..and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle.
I’ve been pre-wash,
pre-cooked,
pre-heated,
pre-screened,
pre-approved,
pre-packaged,
post-dated,
freeze-dried,
double-wrapped,
vacuum-packed

and,

..I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude,
but I’m the real deal.

Lean and mean!

Cocked,
locked and ready-to-rock.
Rough,
tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow,
I go with the flow,
I ride with the tide.
I’ve got glide in my stride.
Drivin and movin,
sailin and spinin,
jiving and groovin,
wailin and winnin.

I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose.

I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road.
I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time.

I’m hangin in,
there ain’t no doubt

..and I’m hangin tough,


over and out!"

Georges general purpose disclaimer, which I think I may have unconsciously adopted along the way..



I would like to begin this page with an opening disclaimer. Because of the FCC, I'm never sure what it is I am allowed to say, so I now have my own official policy.
This is the language you will not see on this page.

You will not see me type "bottom line," "game plan," "role model," "scenario" or "hopefully." I will not "kick back," "mellow out," or "be on a roll." I will not "go for it" or "check it out." I don't even know what "it" is. And when I am done here at the computer, I will definitely not "boogie." I promise not to refer to any one as a "class act," a "beautiful person," or a "happy camper." I will also not be saying, "what a guy." And you will not hear me refer to anyone's lifestyle. If you want to know what a moronic word lifestyle is all you have to do is realize that in a technical sense, Attila the Hun had an active, outdoor lifestyle.

And I will not be writing any cute things like "moi?" And I will not use the French adverb "tre" to modify any English adjectives. Such as "tre-awesome," "tre-narly," "tre-faboo," "tre-intense," "tre-outta-sight."

I will not say "concept" when I mean "idea." I will not say "impacted" when I mean "affected." There will be no "hands-on state-of-the-art networking." We will not "maximize, prioritize, or finalize" and we will definitely not "interface."

There will also be no new-Age lingo written here. No support group jargon from the human potential movement. For instance, I will not "share anything" with you. I will not "relate" to you, and you will not "identify" with me. I will give you no "input" and I will expect no "feedback." This will not be a "learning experience" nor will it be a "growth period." There will be no sharing, no caring, no birthing, no bonding, no parenting, no nurturing. We will not establish a relationship, we will not have any meaningful dialogue and we will definitely not spend any "quality time." We will not "be supportive of each other so that we can get in touch with our feelings in order to feel good about ourselves." And if you are one of those people who needs a little space, please go the [censored] somewhere else.

In other words, there is may be some offensive language and things on the pages that follow, but you don't have to read them.

taken from George Carlin’s book Napalm and Silly Putty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1uaw3WIOlc.