Big long TOO LONG YOU WONT READ IT rant.

But all I want is a Real friend to treat like me like a friend. That's all I want.

I don't wont advice.
I don't wont pity.

I've had enough advice, I've done enough, and went through enough methods. This is probably the 4th time I posted something like this in years. Yeah if anyone remembers, my [censored] up ass social life has not changed since then and has only gotten emptier. Seems time is fleeting from me fast as well.

I never really fitted in ON THIS FORUM after all these years, it just never bothered me and I figured there wasn't [censored] I could do about it anyway, so late in my time here. I been here since Morrowind, but guess what? I never got out of Seeda Neen. Never seen Bloodmoon, and didn't bother with Tribunal. I never played Knights of the Night, and didn't bother with Shivering Isles, having only got it for the patch. I can't help no one here. I'm always wrong, and no doubt I irritated people over the years with my constant misinformed posts. I only just reported a Dexion bug that I observed for a week to make sure it was a damn bug before reporting it. I offer absolutely nothing here.

But that's not the point. I haven't enjoyed "life" in so long now, that all I ever think about is suicide.

Before a mod locks this, I'm not going to do it, and I'm not going to get into details about it and I already sought professional help over it and other things.

The more and more I think about WHY this is happening, the more and more clear it's getting. Yeah thats another thing, when you have no one to talk to you, all you have is too much time to think.

First of all, I NEVER had a relationship last longer than 6 months. What I consider to be my first "real" relationship, ended over a [censored] any of you would have talked over. Girls leave me fast, but I see they stay with really bad guys for YEARS. No offense to the real men out there, you know what I mean. I get ZERO chance. And at this point, I'm positive I'll never get into a new one. The last girl I "asked out" was "warned" about me by a co-worker. After I was turned down, I vowed to never to that ever again. A strong lover, but not a man a woman would want. I get it. I try not to look at them cause it'll just depress me. Something I'll never have, or something I can have but wont stay.

And because someone dares say it, I'm not a Nice Guy. And I'm not a nice guy. LOL AHAHAH Nice Guys actually are doing better than me.

I can't enjoy MMO's anymore. If I meet someone and they are already in an established friend circle, I stand no chance in hell. We'll never talk, unless I initiate. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THAT. I'm FINE with INITIATING, but when there is NOTHING once I stop, WHAT THE [censored] MAN? I can be loyal, hell I'll WAIT for people. I'll listen, I'll be there. But I don't get any of this in return. I see it all around. Groups of players just sitting around talking and having a great time with each other. It boils me that I know I can't have this. I join guilds, and it's mostly dead cause they talking with each other skype or in a party and talking in party chat. When I initiate conversations, it doesn't go anywhere, and I'm quickly pushed out once one of their friends gets online. I don't say hello when I log in anyway, after hardly ever getting a greeting back(when the popular/circle friends whatever you call them log in..they lots of hellos -.-). Hell I even *lost* my status as a pretty strong extrovert. But I was a teen... I guess people were different then. I FORCE myself to talk now.

Talents - I HAVE ZERO. Always something special and eye catching about other people though. Yeah I write songs, but woo whoo. I can't mod a damn thing in Skyrim, and I can forget about getting proper scripting help. Highly observant - I'll notice stuff a lot of people will not.

Typing this is just pissing me off even more and certainly aint bringing me any of the things I desire so much, so in short, I'm in a world of one. Don't know if any of that crap above is on a coherent level or not *shrugs*. I'm TIRED of my life. I'm SICK of this lonely, void atmosphere that I keep getting shoved in. If this was something one person could handle, I would have fix this all long time ago. But I can't do it all by myself. I feel like my existence is being wasted, and I feel like a nobody. Day by day I'm losing faith in myself, and this world. Tired..tired..tired..screw this.

I can't enjoy MMO's anymore. If I meet someone and they are already in an established friend circle, I stand no chance in hell. We'll never talk, unless I initiate. And it's ALWAYS LIKE THAT. I'm FINE with INITIATING, but when there is NOTHING once I stop, WHAT THE [censored] MAN? I can be loyal, hell I'll WAIT for people. I'll listen, I'll be there. But I don't get any of this in return. I see it all around. Groups of players just sitting around talking and having a great time with each other. It boils me that I know I can't have this. I join guilds, and it's mostly dead cause they talking with each other skype or in a party and talking in party chat. When I initiate conversations, it doesn't go anywhere, and I'm quickly pushed out once one of their friends gets online. I don't say hello when I log in anyway, after hardly ever getting a greeting back(when the popular/circle friends whatever you call them log in..they lots of hellos -.-). Hell I even *lost* my status as a pretty strong extrovert. But I was a teen... I guess people were different then. I FORCE myself to talk now.

I'm pretty much in the same boat. :/

First of all, I NEVER had a relationship last longer than 6 months.

Are you spying on me?

I'll be your friend <3

Add me on Steam, same name. You got a mic?

Never heard of "Seeda Neen" or "Knights of the Knight", but good luck to ya.

And trust me, my life svcks more than yours.

And here I always saw you as a friendly, highly intelligent, seasoned forumite.

hey add me on steam too, same name as on these forums. ive always thought you were one of the more chill and relaxed guys on the forums here.

I like the sound of my voice so you wouldn't have any troubles holding a conversation with me just be warned i have a weird sense of humor.

if you like minecraft there is that too, the unofficial server has a couple of people similar to you in what you've said. and we all get along pretty well, most of the time any ways. i won't be there for the next couple of weeks, im begining to move into a new place.

Edit: Actually, screw my advice, I don't even follow it myself. Look, I'm not gonna just offer to be your friend, and I'm a failure as a gamer friend at the moment (I have no decent PC or console to play with people on), but there is one thing I can do, and I'll do it right now.

You're a bit whiny, but want to be my friend?

Hell if you are plannijg to play TESO at some point I would happily accomodate you. If you are in to RP, Messing around, etc etc it is fine. I think many have noticed you. Idk if you noticed them noticing you though. If you are like me you are likely an enormous introvert. I am in the process of alienating several friends because of this. Which I plan to rectify. Steam ID and gamertags are on my profile. Seriously, check my games or somethig and see if we have something similar and make sure to follow through on getting in contact with the people posting here. It is never to late to start your own social circle. Sometimes you just need to be motivated.

Dude.. this is totally cool.


read the whole thing, and sorry you feel like that..

All I can offer as maybe some misguided advice from a less than qualified source -being me.

Try to find the kid you used to be, he's still in there somewhere, hiding.

Find him, and let that kid have some silly kid fun.


Finding back that kid inside me did wonders for my healing..



..not so much for continued levels of behavioral maturity though.

But you have to have a really keen eye to notice any of that immature stuff creeping into any of my posts.


take care

We can be ebuddies if you play SF(360), SFxT(360), or FFXI.

You gotta just do you man, there are no rules when it comes to being social. Be comfortable with yourself and others will catch it resonating from you and be more accepting of you.

If there are feelings you really can't help, watch what you put in to your body AND MIND!

Fact: When I am skimming through threads and see your avatar/name go by it raises a flag. That is, This person has been around and they're cool.

I like this advice, but the kind of fun I liked when I was a kid isn't tolerated the way it used to be.

But honestly, OP really needs to work out why he feels this way, and if that means professional help, then that is often the best way to go...even if we don't like shrinks.

I'd offer to add on Steam or something but I'm sure that's not quite what you're looking for; at least it wouldn't be for me were I in your position. I've had people I've known over the internet for 5 years, and we've "been through a lot", and I would call them my friends, but I don't know if I could say they're "real friends", on top of that it takes some amount of time for an actual friendship to form instead of a mutual acquaintanceship that will fade after a few months.

I've seen you post enough on the forums, though, and I wouldn't say by any means that you don't "fit in" because you've been amicable enough et cetera. Good luck, though, as little as it may mean from a stranger, in figuring this out and improving your quality of life.

Same here.

I've never read one single post of yours that made me think you are unintelligent or uniformed.

OP you need to be more positive dude. Are you like you are on the forums in real life? Not saying you're always negative or anything but I've read a lot of your posts over the years and that's the general tone of your posts. If you're negative in real life like that maybe that's why the girls don't want to stay with you? I don't know. Not trying to offend you or anything. I understand it though. Sometimes it's the girl we choose, sometimes it's us.

And yeah as Schnakers said, I've never read anything by you that made it look like you didn't know what you were talking about.

Also if you play any of the MMO's I play, when I'm on I'll always chat with ya. I don't ignore people because I hate it when they ignore me. Unless I'm busy doing something else where I can't type.

↑ Need positivity to combat the negativity. When there is nothing but a void, you become consumed by the void. I wont pretend to be positive. That'll only further torture myself. However, I set all that aside when someone needs some kind of light in their tunnel.(lolol funny huh? He who lives in darkness casts light on other's darkness XDD)

No because I'll just end up beating your ass.



Tried that.


My shrink svcked. I just took the [censored] meds to satisfy her ego.

Life troubles isn't a damn competition.

Seyda Neen(god its the first place you to come in Morrowind), Knights of the Nine. Whatever the heck it is.

Meh, I played Morrowind and Oblivion, that's it. None of the new Fallouts, etc. The only thing I offer here are my opinions and advice/knowledge where I know it would do some good. Those places are few and far between. I'm still here. As for constant misinformed posts, what can you learn from them about yourself that would be productive?

and have you followed the advice?

unless that time is filled with hobbies, chores, etc.

never say never. Does it count as advice if it's a cliche?

um, the thing that I'm getting from this is that you base too much of your life around computer group dynamics. Are you hiding from real life, trying to substitute this for real life? Do you think the time spent here affects how you intereact with people in real life?

So what? Neither can most people! Meh, I'm only good at fart jokes in real life, and have to activly work at creating conversation.

so you said that you don't want advice or pitty...just a real friend.

Here's friend 1's reply: Get the sand out of your crotch and do something about what you percieve to be weaknesses.

Friend 2: Hear's a shoulder for you...keep spilling it. It can feel great to let it out. I've shouted at the hills when my friend committed suicide, my folks died. It feels good to get it out, then sleep, and see clearly after that.

So, whatcha whacha gonna do?

aaaand..?

-don't get me wrong, that's good, practice making perfect and all that. But trying implies an accepted percentage of failure built in. So at some point somewhere down the line, you gotta stop trying,

and just do it.



I know a void, though it might not be yours.. but I know it.

And I've known darkness -not the greatest of sides to ones personality worth exploring I've come to realize..

I'm not trying to piss higher on the fence or anything, but I'm grateful for re-finding that kid I once was.


He shown a lightsaber out of the darkness.. and he cuts down escaped daemons occasionally

That may be so, I wasn't there and don't know your therapist, but one thing I can say with absolute certainty is that you get out of it what you put into it.

In other words, put forth some effort into your sessions and you may find there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

You can also find a therapist that does work for you, you really shouldn't be giving up on it. If life beats you down, don't let it keep you down. That's no way to live.

Don't feel to bad man I have very few friends that I hardly interact with (it's almost like not having any friends) and that's fine by me---minimalizes the chances of getting backstabbed.

You write songs, and have modding Skyrim as the same level of talent as that?

Seems like you may have some priorities mixed up.