Ok so I’m going through a tough time with my marriage and because most of my friends are shared- friends, I don’t have any one to talk to about it. My wife and I have been married for about 4 years and have been doing relatively ok. We have a one-year old son who I absolutely adore. We fight but it’s usually not that bad and we have different views on life like raising our son and other topics. Anyway I never really trusted her with money as she’s doesn’t believe in saving like I do. She’s always spending more than she needs to on anything like groceries to clothes to toys for the baby. She’s always tried to hide and dismiss it. I come to find out that she’s had a credit card behind my back and she’s spent $2,500 in the past three months with a balance of $1,000. She’s probably spent more but the statements only go back three months. The money was mainly spent on clothes for her. We have shared accounts (multiple) which she primary manages. I work full time and am the majority bread winner of the family. She works part time a few hours about 2 or three days a week. When I find out about the credit card I get really mad and start discussing the possibility of splitting up and divorce. She thinks I’m overacting and totally blowing this out of proportion. What do you all think? While I am mad about the money, I’m more upset about the lying and doing this all behind my back. It kind of feels like she was cheating on me and stealing from our family. What do you all think here? Am I out of line here?

I'd say you two have a serious problem and you need to resolve it quickly if you want to save your marriage.

However, you're asking for help in the wrong place. You and your wife need to be speaking to a marriage counselor.

I don't think you were out of line based on your post alone, as long as you're not constantly hanging divorce and separation over her head (I am not by any means assuming that you are; I just know people who do do that in their marriage). I would say that you can talk to her and try to get down to the bottom of why she feels the need to compulsively spend a lot of money on clothing or other items (status, not feeling satisfied with current conditions or lifestyle, need to feel in control, etc.) and let her know that you are trying to understand it, but that this can severely damage your guys' livelihood, is showing a terrible example to your son once he becomes more aware, and will hurt your guys' chances at providing a good life for yourselves and your son and any possible future children.

She needs to understand that, and I'd say to suggest a therapist so they can help her discuss any shortcomings she may feel she has (heck, she might have even grown up really poor and is glad to have the power of money or grown up more well off and is used to that lifestyle).

I mainly suggest getting to the bottom of it since I've always been a penny pincher (grew up really poor and I don't want the same thing as an advlt) but have loosened up the kung-fu grip on my wallet a little bit since I'm the breadwinner (husband is in school full-time while I'm in school part-time and working full-time to keep us fed) and have to give up a lot to make sure my husband can stay in school and hurry the hell up with it (moved an hour away from everyone I cared about, going to a rinky dink school to make sure I can work around my work schedule, dropped classes for him, have absolutely no social life, I go to bed really late to make sure I can have a shift that'll accommodate school, etc.). Reason I mention that is because so much of my time and money is not mine anymore (as may be the case with a child; I wouldn't know) that I will buy things occasionally (nothing huge; I just bought Tomb Raider on sale today, for example) to feel in control again. She may just have a really, really big version of that.

But all in all: marriage therapist. Marriage therapist. Marriage therapist. Go with her, too. Let her have sessions alone, too. Try to understand why she does this.

Divorce her, hire a good lawyer, leave her with nothing. No reason she should get half your stuff with behavior like that.

You have a right to be mad. It sounds like she spends fairly recklessly and isn't above deceiving you.

I'd start a separate account and get your paychecks put into it, that way you choose how much of your earnings gets spent. Make it very clear to her that you want to budget your household spending and want to save money for later. Also shop around for good lawyers in case she flips out from having her spending limited.

Edit: Maybe start out with a very serious conversation about the issue to make it crystal clear where each of you stand and what each of your expectations and goals are.

Also, good luck OP. I hope you guys resolve this peaceably and don't end up falling apart.

I see a lot of true crime documentaries, that usually end bad for the husband, on Discovery I.D. that start out like this.... just kidding

EDIT: I know you are not asking advice on divorce or separation but looking at your situation I am just assuming that if it doesn't improve or gets worse then a split would be your next step. I can't give you advice on how to make your wife more financially responsible because, well, I just don't know.

But NO, you're not being out of line. I can't give you expert advice on getting a divorce because I have never been married. I am 35 and I was engaged about 8 years ago to a woman who turned out to be not the person I thought she was once we started living together. Half of it did have to do with finances the other half she was just a terrible person in many ways that I don't want to explain. I may never get married because of her, that is seriously how much it scarred me emotionally, one day I got the courage and just left and I feel like my life was renewed from that day forth.

I know that leaving an engagement is nothing compared to getting a divorce, it is hell, but you have to do what makes YOU happy. Remember that staying married for the sake of a child and never being able to get along with your spouse, creating a rigid or hostile atmosphere in your home is going to be much more worse on that child in the long run than a divorce would be.

It is better for a kid to have to take turns with mom and dad than to have to listen to mom and dad always screaming at each other. It drives me crazy when I see couples who just cannot get along in any way shape or form think that they must remain miserable for the sake of their child or children.

I am not saying that you do that now but if things never get better it could certainly progress into that.

I don't know if you are even considering divorce in the first place, just saying.

I can relate to your wife. I have a serious problem with money and spending it. I can not save to...welll...save my life. I haven't had a credit card in about 11 years because of it. At one point I had 3 cards all rolling a balance at the same time and unable to pay them. I still don't have any cards. I use my debit card now. My wife is in charge of the money and I'm constantly being yelled at for purchases. We used to fight a lot more about money and my spending. I'm better but still buying stupid crap. I have a hard time saving. I too used to try to hide my purchases and my wife always found out about them. We used to fight a lot about it. But I found that being honest about my purchases was better than trying to hide them. My advice to you is talk to your wife about cancelling her cards. What has helped for me is having direct deposit. Half of my paycheck goes into a dedicated savings account for the major bills like (soon to be rent) mortgage, major car repairs. The other goes into a checking account for standard bills like electric, cable and internet and whatever is left can be for frivolous things. We've definitely had a very rough financial few years and things are better but we're still in trouble. But I've been up front with my wife on everything and if there are any major purchases we discuss it and wait until we have the money.

Your wife needs to cancel the cards, pay them off and put money aside.

If you want specific details from me feel free to PM me.

Money issues are the one of the main reasons couples split. You need to see a counselor, even a financial adviser.

That's what I was thinking.

Usually I'm the one with the money spending problems.

My advice would have been not to get married in the first place. We humans aren't designed for it.

I would say that you have a right to be mad and scold your wife for overspending. Definitely try to save the marriage, though. Tell her to spend less for her son. If it a problem that seems insurmountable from her point of view, then support and help her overcome the impulse to buy everything she sees. It is your duty as a husband and, to an extent, a father to assist your wife, and be with her for the good and the bad.

I don't know where I fall on the money-spending spectrum. I used to be quite the miser, but recently I've been spending more. Trying to revert back into miser mode, which is going quite smoothly.

I've been with my wife for 11 years and have been married for 3. We've always had money issues and there were times it really brought us to the breaking point. What I think you're going through right now isn't just a money issue but more of a trust issue. Fortunately she really didn't spend a lot of money. I mean you may get on her for what she spent it on but that's not the point is it. As a married man I believe everything we do is built on trust so things like building credit financial stability together for you and the kids is extremely important. If she wasn't forthcoming about her spending habits you have to wonder what other things she could be keeping from you. See its not just about the money you have to tell her but its about the trust. See I know a lot of guys who hide the occasional 20 in their wallets for things like a few tin buddies, smokes, a few trips to fast food places for lunch things like that. what your wife is doing is spending a grand plus behind your back when you're the one paying most of the bills right? Its a trust issue, but not worthy of getting a divorce over though how she responds to this and works to gaining your trust for the future is damn important. As others have said counseling is definitely something you should look into and go from there.