My story, from my book soon to come out about fallout 3!

Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 7:59 am

This is just a short version of an entire chapter I have for my upcoming novel: Fallout 3: A dark life. Sorry for the spelling errors, hehe.
Enjoy!

The soft rubble crunched beneath my feet as I slowly crouched over to the nearby pile of debrees. I shifted my bonocullars from there holster and looked through the sights. I was searching a old raider camp, said to be abandoned. I hid between the debrees and an old bus, and what I saw was horrifying. People, pitched by pitchforks in front of the base, but what was more horrifying was the stench of the blood was fresh. The camp had been re-opened, aperently. I saw more to the horror that there were many raiders. 2 perched on top of a tower, and 1 on a bridge nearbye.

I pulled out my radar device, and it scenced at least 12 raiders in the area. This was going to be fun. I pulled out my lazer sight and attached it to my newly obtained sniper rifle. I taped on my radar to it, and pute on my new scope, a new kind of scope. I pute down a bipod from a turret a few blocks behind, and perched the sniper on it. I pute in a clip with antipersonal/anti armor bullets. These svckers would blow someones head clean off. I sliped out the bipod on my boncoculars and attached the automated defence system component, with a wire going to my ear to hear what the device deteced. I pute on my speical sun glasses and attached them to the defence component, so now I had top visual performance. I threw a radar grenade out into the open, that would extend my radars sight radius for better vision. I pulled out my sack of explosives, pute my combat knife in my boot, and readyed my modified 10mm for when I went in to take the stragglers. My speicalized metal armor protected me from the raiders puney weapons, but one of the raiders on the tower had a rocket launcher... and none of my armor was rocket proof. I slid the scope in for a zoomed shot, and when my scope was at the right positoin near the head, the defence system would tell me.

I aimed for the one on the bridge, and i heard the cling cling meaning shot was ready, and too fire. My silent shooting devise made it so the shot was not heard, but the smoke coming out from the gun gave away that the shot was off. The bullet swiftly flew through the air, and it hit with pinpoint persision, right in the eye socket. The raider fell flat to the ground, the gun fell off the bridge on onto another raiders head below. I swiftly aimed twards the 2 on the towers, and 4 shots went off, bolth were dead, there weapons disabled. I then dirrected my rifle twards a barrel next to the raider compound wall, and shot off a good 2 or 3 rounds before a big boom came.

The wall blew a hole in it, and I made my move. I swiftly and quickley jumped up, pulled out my pistol and ran next to the hole, were I proceeded to throw a nukagrenade in. I heard a boom, 2 screams of terror, and I flew in, my gun blarring. I shot 3 in the head, 2 in the chest, and 1 in the balls before my clip was spent, doing this in less then 5 seconds, with my expert targeting system, it was easy as pie. There were 2 raiders left in my sight, and bolth of them had flamers. I aimed for the flamer ammo, and I shot 2 bullets into each. They lit on fire themselfs, and they around in terrified screams as the fire burned there simple flesh.

I turned around to see a pipe swinging down on me, and I promplty dodged to the left with a barrel roll, pulling out my combat knife mid roll. I struggled to my feet and counterattacked him with a stab, but he was faster, and smacked me strait cross the shoulder. I screached in pain as a mix of fury, hatred and pain swivled through me, and I went into syco mode. He smacked me in the head, but I didnt even flinch. I flung my knife upwards. The simple minded fool went to block my knife stab, while I used a second knife hidden in my pants to swiftly stike into his head. It went deep in, and I swirled it around a little before kicking him off my knife. I wiped off the blood of my blade, snickering in my glory, but before I could finish my happy dance, I felt a thud and I blacked out...

to be continued...
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gemma
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:31 am

pretty cool. how long is it though?
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El Khatiri
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:05 am

Somewhat ametuerish with your verb wording but decent none the less. And please don't take that comment personal, it's just constructive critisism. I imagine you did post it for us to give our opinions. Not bad though.
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CYCO JO-NATE
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 9:35 am

I really liked it, very descriptive.
Although your spelling is not the best I have seen.
As a tip: Spellcheck before you print it!
Otherwise it is very good :tops:
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Siobhan Wallis-McRobert
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:15 am

As said before you could use to add on some five dollar words to your vocabulary.
Also you seem to have some strange deal with the letter E as most if not all of your misspellings are the word you were aiming for with the letter E tacked on somewhere.
the Idea seems decent but I will wait until some character interaction comes along before I pass judgment
rating so far: not the best not the worst. Meh
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Heather Dawson
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:18 pm

started of decent and then just became a list...

i put this on
i did this
i blah blah ect
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BRAD MONTGOMERY
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:59 pm

This is just a short version of an entire chapter I have for my upcoming novel: Fallout 3: A dark life. Sorry for the spelling errors, hehe.
Enjoy!

The soft rubble crunched quietly beneath my feet as I crept slowly over to the nearby pile of debrees. I was searching a old raider camp, said to be abandoned. Hiding between the debrees and an old bus, I pulled out my binoculars for a better look and what I saw was horrifying. The remains of slaughtered human beings, piked on old pitchforks more horrifying still was the crisp metallic scent of the freshly spilt blood. The camp apparentl, had been re-opened.

I pulled out my radar device and flipped it on, to my shock the screen was quickly lit with over ten little blips. Each a murdering psychopath bent on anarchy and destruction. This was going to be fun. Unslinging my rilfe I set it up on its bipod and flipped on my prototype laser sight. Loaded with newly aquired armor piercing rounds it was overkill for soft targets, one round could quite literally blow a man to pieces. One final check, easing my 10mm in its holster and checking that my body armor was secure and not in a position that would hamper my movement, I steadied myself for the assault.

Putting my eye to the sight, I began the work of scanning the compound, counting and mentally marking the positions of the raiders as I went. I'd be damned if I was going to miss one and let him get away, or worse get in a position to fight back. Finishing my count I moved the sight back toward the raider patrolling the bridge, he seemed the most heavily armed and likely the leader. With him out of commission they would hesitate momentarily. All I would need. Squeezing the trigger, I feel a small jolt as the heavy round leaves the barrel. A small click given off by the suppressor the only signal I had fired. Well, for an instant, the bullet struck the raider leader squarely in the eye blowing hid head apart in a fountain of human tissue and bone. Moving my aim toward the first guard tower, I could see the panic on his face. Good, fear is a powerful tool often underestimated. A second round takes him in the throat as I shift to the second and final tower. The sentry here has begun to recover and is panning his gaze around. His gaze falls where I am hidden and for a moment it seems we lock eyes, panic and fear are evident in his and I can almost feel the cold merciless determination in mine. My suppressore being nearly spent by the first two rounds, my third shot, though just as fatal is far from silent.

As the third guard dies the camp seems to come alive, their moment of hesitation and fear over the raiders are furious, and my third shot having given away my direction they begin streaming out of the camp. All according to plan. As they exit I shift my aim again, not towards a raider this time but instead toward a barrel of explosives I had seen earlier near the gate. Just as the first raider begins to pass through the gate the armor piercing round from my rifle rips through the soft steel of the barrel. The entire camp is shaken by a deafening boom. After recovering I find four more lie dead and the rest have retreated back into the camp. There can be no survivors.

The explosives had made short work of the rest of the meager defenses around the camp. Leaving my rifile where it is, I draw my pistol and slip quickly down to the ruins of the gate. Back flat against the wall I peek slowly around the corner, nearly instantly rounds rip into my cover. I duck back and wait. The fire stops and I hear one of the raiders laugh while the others shout curses and taunts. I'll show them. Spinning into the open I activate my Vault Tech Assisted Targeting System, time seems to slow down as the scene before me comes into focus. One of the fools is wearing a flame-thrower, an easy shot in these conditions. I fire a round right into the exposed gas tank over his shulder. Three raiders become instant human torches and fall to the ground writhing and screaming in pain. However it is not to be that easy, V.A.T.S power supply being momentarily depleted I find myself face to face with the lone survivor my pistol still aimed where the now burning raider had stood. He grins a half-mad victorious grin and fires back. His round strikes my left shoulder just above my heart, the impact strong enough to spin me around. I fall to the ground.

I can feel the shot has done me no real harm, my armor is far too tough to be broken through in a single shot, but the position it has left me in is far from ideal. Motionless on the ground I hear the unmistakeable whisk of steel leaving leather sheathe. I brace myself and wait until I hear the raiders footfalls stop right beside me. In an instant I spin onto my back, catch the raiders stab mid-thrust. Shock flashed across the raiders deep green eyes, shock followed by the sightless empty stare of death as I twist the blade free from his hand and thrust it violently into his throat.

Getting back to my feet, I stare silently for a moment down at his corpse. It's always a little traumatic, killing someone that close up, that personal, but this was justice. I began to turn to leave when suddenly I felt a hard crack against the back of my head. Apparently, I had missed one...

to be continued...


Don't mean to steal anything from you. Just wanted to give rewriting it a try.

I think if I was to break more away I would also better describe the camp. It would break up the "I do this", "I do that" monotony between the scouting and assault phases. And give the reader helpful information with which to orient themselves. However I tried to limit myself and stick more to what you wrote, assuming you had described the scene itself earlier, I would suggest you move that description there though.

You'll have to excuse spelling/grammar errors as I was simply too lazy to put it through a spellcheck. I was more interested in the composition.
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Charlotte Lloyd-Jones
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 9:50 pm

Maybe its just that I have never seen these before but iv played the game for quite a wile now but
Never saw binoculars, radar grenade or 12 people on my pip-boy. Maybe its on the DLC?
I dont remember using the lazer sight either.
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Unstoppable Judge
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 10:46 am

Good part in English language is that there are many words to describe single actions. Use them. Never use same verb twice, and use "advanced" nouns and adjectives.
I am not a writer myself, but I'd suggest:
"I heard a boom, 2 screams of terror, and I flew in, my gun blarring"
into
"Having heard an explosion and two screams of terror, I flew in with my gun(s?) blazing".

Speak like President Eden speaks. Avoid using "vulgar" words, such as "boom" and "like". Rather use "explosion" and "such as".
And check spelling. Indo-European languages have the weakness that one letter can change the whole meaning of the whole sentence and several typos in same sentence make it look horrible enough.

I wish the most luck to you in your pursuit for this Fallout novel. And remember to take care of copyright issues if you are going to publish it!
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Amy Siebenhaar
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:00 am

If you intend on just posting this somewhere for people to read, then I would suggest you run everything through a spell and grammar checker. One hint: numbers are spelled out and never written as numbers.

If you intend on actually "publishing" this, ie: charging people to read it, you will need copyrights permission from Bethesda.

Eileen
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Oscar Vazquez
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:06 am

lol what makes you think you can publish it without a premission from Bethesda? lol nice try though
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kevin ball
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:38 pm

lol what makes you think you can publish it without a premission from Bethesda? lol nice try though


Lol this and lol that. He can always ask for a permission. And even if he couldn't get it, he could always 'publish' it on Internet, however that isn't quite wise considering that it's only CTRL+A and CTRL+C needed to claim that you wrote it.
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Alister Scott
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 6:10 am

"I heard a boom, 2 screams of terror, and I flew in, my gun blarring"
into
"Having heard an explosion and two screams of terror, I flew in with my gun(s?) blazing".


The first sentence can actually be a good choice in my opinion. The sequential (not sure of the word, I am not a native english speaker myself) writing makes the reader experience the events like the hero does. It simulate the quick succession of events. And, as for the boom, since the writer is, apparently, supposed to be the hero himself, it can make sense that he uses some "vulgar" words such as "boom", depending of his mentality.
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Valerie Marie
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:55 am

I hate to nit-pick but...while the story itself is pretty good...the grammatical errors and misspelling really make it hard to read.
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Blackdrak
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:07 pm

Very nice,just check the misspelling and I can translate it to Portuguese.
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His Bella
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:00 am

The first sentence can actually be a good choice in my opinion. The sequential (not sure of the word, I am not a native english speaker myself) writing makes the reader experience the events like the hero does. It simulate the quick succession of events. And, as for the boom, since the writer is, apparently, supposed to be the hero himself, it can make sense that he uses some "vulgar" words such as "boom", depending of his mentality.


Tastes differ. I myself don't like text that stops too often, I prefer longer and 'free' sentences.
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Sarah Kim
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:08 am

pretty cool. how long is it though?


can you tell me when its out

p.s check your spelling :tops:
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Brooke Turner
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 11:44 am

Maybe Hollywood will buy your story.

A big budget Fallout movie would be superb.

How about Samuel L Jackson as Three Dog? How about Steve Buscemi as Roy Phillips. HBO's beloved Michael Baden would make a great glowing ghoul. Heath Ledger could make a fantastic cameo appearance as a dead raider corpse. Who would play the role of the vault 101 dweller chasing after his father? The possibilities are endless. The dude from Green Mile would make a great Super Mutant. Halle Berry would make a great Red or Crimson. A strung out Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears could play Moira Brown. What about Lucas Sims? Is Morgan Freeman too old? Pauly Shore could play one of the druggies in Megaton or Rivet City.

Keep up the good work with your script. You are well on your way to the 2012 movie of the year! What a hit!
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sally R
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 6:22 am

I wish the most luck to you in your pursuit for this Fallout novel. And remember to take care of copyright issues if you are going to publish it!


There is more to getting a book published than desire. There is the whole process of a publisher actually looking at it, thinking it is good and will sell, and then yes, the copyright approval and royalties. He is naive to think that it will be published at all. Let's not sugar coat it. Or should I say, let's not Sugar Bombs it! hahaha
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Myles
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 5:16 am

A strung out Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears could play Moira Brown.

Blapshemy!

There is more to getting a book published than desire. There is the whole process of a publisher actually looking at it, thinking it is good and will sell, and then yes, the copyright approval and royalties. He is naive to think that it will be published at all. Let's not sugar coat it. Or should I say, let's not Sugar Bombs it! hahaha


There are all sorts of crap out there, WoW books, FF books.. Sure, I don't believe it will hit thru the walls and stones but if he really tries and his material is good, it'll be published.. Unless Bethesda is controlled by The Overseer.
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Bek Rideout
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:39 am

There are all sorts of crap out there, WoW books, FF books.. Sure, I don't believe it will hit thru the walls and stones but if he really tries and his material is good, it'll be published.. Unless Bethesda is controlled by The Overseer.


As a rule, fanfiction is not allowed to be published.

Those you cite might be the exception, but for the most part 99% of fandoms will never be allowed to actually publish here in the U.S.

Just because something might be good, doesn't mean they automatically get the right to publish it. I've read some amazing Harry Potter fanfiction (go ahead, laugh) but it will never, ever be published. I'm an English undergraduate. I know that they are fantastic writers, but it doesn't change a thing. It's illegal. Not much you can do about that. We're lucky fanfiction is allowed. Some authors like Anne Rice and Terry Goodkind forbid any fanfiction at all, even just for fun.
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My blood
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 9:06 pm

As a rule, fanfiction is not allowed to be published.

Those you cite might be the exception, but for the most part 99% of fandoms will never be allowed to actually publish here in the U.S.

Just because something might be good, doesn't mean they automatically get the right to publish it. I've read some amazing Harry Potter fanfiction (go ahead, laugh) but it will never, ever be published. I'm an English undergraduate. I know that they are fantastic writers, but it doesn't change a thing. It's illegal. Not much you can do about that. We're lucky fanfiction is allowed. Some authors like Anne Rice and Terry Goodkind forbid any fanfiction at all, even just for fun.


So what is the deal with these fantastic writers? They can put the pen to the page and have a way with words, a great writing style so to speak, but they have no creativity to come up with their own characters and storyline? For some, self included, imagination and creating a story outlined idea is the easy part, putting into a compelling book that people will want to read is the hard part. Writing was one of my better subjects in high school and college. I always did well. But, you really need to have the imagination AND write well to be a professional fiction writer. A good non-fiction writer on the other hand could lack some imagination but would need to be a good researcher of the facts AND write well. Just writing well doesn't cut it, nor does just having an imagination.

Having that said, like Mass Effect, Fallout is a fantastic story, so I could see why somebody would want to write their own stories about it. But agreed, it just isn't going to fly with the copyright holder.

Interesting fact about Anne Rice you shared. Her stories are OK but she could use some help expanding her universe by fanfiction. Maybe she is afraid the fans would come up with better stories than hers. If she is so sure of herself and her work, she has nothing to be afraid of in my opinion.
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Conor Byrne
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:30 am

Just some constructive criticism...
The camp had been re-opened, aperently. I saw more to the horror that there were many raiders.


I pulled out my radar device, and it scenced at least 12 raiders in the area. This was going to be fun

These two don't really agree. In one, the character seems to be worried, but then in the next line the character changed from this worry to being ready for a joy ride or something.

Also, there a numerous times where you typed the number "5" instead of typing the word "five". This is a rule that carries on the numbers 1-9 (or one through nine lol).
Also, as everyone noted, the spelling errors, but also grammatical errors were present that spell check won't fix such as:
I shifted my bonocullars from there holster

where "there" should be "their"
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Paula Rose
 
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Post » Sat Aug 08, 2009 11:45 pm

So what is the deal with these fantastic writers? They can put the pen to the page and have a way with words, a great writing style so to speak, but they have no creativity to come up with their own characters and storyline? For some, self included, imagination and creating a story outlined idea is the easy part, putting into a compelling book that people will want to read is the hard part. Writing was one of my better subjects in high school and college. I always did well. But, you really need to have the imagination AND write well to be a professional fiction writer. A good non-fiction writer on the other hand could lack some imagination but would need to be a good researcher of the facts AND write well. Just writing well doesn't cut it, nor does just having an imagination.

Having that said, like Mass Effect, Fallout is a fantastic story, so I could see why somebody would want to write their own stories about it. But agreed, it just isn't going to fly with the copyright holder.

Interesting fact about Anne Rice you shared. Her stories are OK but she could use some help expanding her universe by fanfiction. Maybe she is afraid the fans would come up with better stories than hers. If she is so sure of herself and her work, she has nothing to be afraid of in my opinion.


Sorry, I can't exactly tell if you're expounding on my point or saying that fanfiction writers lack creativity.

I like to think that I'm a passibly good writer in original work, and I've taken a few classes with a published author who's actually complemented my pieces. However, I don't always have a great story idea, and I make it a habit to write every single day so it's better to write fanfiction when I'm SOL in the original ideas department than sit around staring at my computer screen. I blow off steam, I get ever-more comfortable with syntax and diction, and I get better at not only recognizing and interpreting themes, but also expanding them too.

It's actually a fantasic exercise in many ways. It's certainly more productive to develop better composition skills in between ideas than it is sitting around waiting for something to pop up. Sure it takes less creativity, but there's no reason why it should be written off as an unimaginative venture. Most of the better writers I've encountered don't even want to be writers anyway, but just see it as a hobby. One of the best was a pre-law student, another is a History undergraduate.

Sorry to hijak your thread, Fallout 3 Player. I realize we've strayed kind of off topic.
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john page
 
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Post » Sun Aug 09, 2009 1:45 am

One hint: numbers are spelled out and never written as numbers.


I'm sorry, but that's incorrect. Numbers up to one-hundred are written as full words, but beyond that, you would use their numerical symbol.

IE 99 is properly written as Ninety-Nine
And Four Hundred Twenty Two is 422.
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Monique Cameron
 
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