Game Skyrim Forum

Ill start with a teaser, if you like it ill continue:
A little boy with a deformed face was born in Andale and lived with a cannibal family, but he didnt know what they did feed on because his father was extremely secretive with what he did in his basemant.One day the boy decided to sneak inside the basemant to know what he did down there, he discovered the shocking truth, but he got caught and his father told him that if he ever did that again he would be the next meal.
One day a certain Lone Wanderer wandered into the little settlement and discovered the truth, so he killed all the advlts that lived there, the little boy begged for the Lone wanderer to take him in his travels, but the boy didnt know that he was being tricked by the lone wanderer. The lone wanderer sold the boy to the slavers at Paradise Falls.Because of his face nobody bought the boy and because of that the slavers treated the boy even worse than the rest of the slaves.
One day the boy got controled by an extreme anger and bit the throat of a slave when he was going to torture him, the boy stole the slaver's gun and killed everyone at Paradise Falls, slaver or not, he set the settlement on fire and left it behind, searching revenge against the lone wanderer that deceived him.
I wish you like it so i can procede the story.

My review in less than 5 words:

Poorly written, uninspired.


My Advice:

read more, practise more.

Agreed. Not very good written.

and now for a review that does not have the writer come off as a pompous elite that thinks your not worth his time.

you had no dialogue or interaction between characters, generally having a character not speak is a killer on the story, if you don't want to do dialogue much then describe what they are doing instead
E.X. He did not speak but slowly cocked his head to the side and raised one eyebrow waiting for an explanation for why his .32 pistol was glued to the ceiling

simply saying that something was horrible gives no way for the reader to empathize, have some of the story be experiences of the boy while in Andale perhaps some of his perspective on things before he discovers his father is eating people in the basemant

your story is full of plot holes, how would an untrained child wielding one gun fight his way through an entire CITY of raiders and not come out the other side as Swiss cheese? If you plan on having him escape you need to find a different method.

the use of fallout 3 quests is not the best way to start a story, it is considered a cop-out to many and make the story hard to get involved in, if you must follow something similar eliminate the Lone Wanderer from the equation entirely make up your own plot device or people will ridicule you for copying the game.

a suggestion for writing fan fiction would be to check out other fiction on this forum or other places on the net, this is in the case that you are afraid of a solid novel. If this is not the case check out some of the Halo novels or one of the extended Star Wars universe (Timothy Zahn is an excellent one) for examples of using new characters in old worlds or areas

I mean no offense to you writing but you need to try again as this makes no sense ,lacking a basic build up. I can see the plot but what you have written is not a story but a skeleton of one add some descriptions and character interactions, flesh it out dude.

Sorry, i didnt tease right, i didnt explain almost anything and you probably didnt understand why i called this "The Psycopath and the hero", so now ill right the whole story:
A boy with a deformed face was born at Andale,with two female arms around his neck,preventing the baby from breathing desperate cries echoed the room "Why you were born like this??!!"The boy's father untied the mother's grip around the boy's neck he said "No!Don't do it Martha, we cant have another child, dont you remeber what our parents teached us?Nobody can have more than one child here, so if we kill this one we wont have anybody to continue our legacy.His name shall be Zack."
The kid from the other family was sadistic, always liked to see Zack suffer by making him do all sorts of dangerous stuff, Zack always did the things the other kid asked for because she said that if he did the things she would be his friend.
His father beated him everyday, his mother ignored him completely.The boy didnt know what his father and the other family's dad did on their basemant.
One day, at night while his parents were sleeping the boy decided to see what his dad hid at the basemant.He stole the key and sneaked in there. His eyes slowly crawled around the room, seeing lots of bodies, the walls were red from the blood that spilled from all those people,he passed out. When he woke up he was laying in his bed. He standed up and went to his parents room, there were two torsos with no limbs in the bed, tied by a rope, on one side of the bed there were 2 pairs of legs with no toes and 2 pairs of arms with no fingers and on the other side of the bed were laying 20 fingers and 20 toes, the wounds of the legs,arms and torsos were aparently sealed with fire.The boy ran back to his room, completely scared.Unintentionally the boy saw himself on the mirror, but what he did see wasnt what he expected, he saw himself with a psychotic smile on his face, his reflection on the mirror said "Didnt you like our little revenge?" The boy replied "What the hell are you talking about??!!"
"Look under our bed", the boy ducked to look under the bed and saw a glowing sharp object under his bed, he streched his arm to grab the object, the mysterious object was a ripper, startled the boy screamed at the mirror "What have you done??!!"
With a psycothic look on his face the reflection answered "Don't tell me that you didn't want that, a little payback for all these years?Even when we were born our mother tried to kill us, their time to pay has come!Dont you agree with me?That is justice!!"
"What the hell are you?!"Asked the boy
"You dont know who i am?I am sort of your big brother, when you cant hold things i show up to take care of everything."


I'll continue later.I hope it's better now.

My review in less than 5 words:

10% better. Still bad.


My advice:

Use proper grammar and punctuation. "Beated" is not a word.

Ok, so i'll go study more, next time i hope i make a nice one.

HAHHA wow cake!!!

LOL I personally think the story's got potential. But, it definitely needs some sort of improvement...

To be fair, all stories have potential, it's just that most never achieve anything. The OP really needs to study up on his spelling grammar, even the basic stuff, then come back and do a complete overhaul. If he does that, then he'll have a decent start.

Good improvement actually, its just the grammar and some of the ehh progression that lowers it. I am just quite happy that you took criticism and improved as opposed to abandoning it outwright.