Is this a good start to a book?

Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:25 am

This is a strange question.
I am not sure If it belongs here, or anywhere on the forums, but bear with me.
Is this a good start to a science fiction book? Criticism welcome and appreciated.
I'm 14.

http://www.wattpad.com/2457797-the-final-wave-prologue
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Rudi Carter
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:43 am

Not bad. I like it, so far.
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Eliza Potter
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:19 am

Not a bad start at all. :)

If you want some tips:

Only tag dialogue when it's absolutely necessary -- "Come here!" Will shouted. -- "Will shouted" probably isn't needed. In a back-and-forth exchange, you don't need tags at all.

Avoid "as" or "I began" or other temporal phrases. The sentences will normally be stronger without them. The reader assumes the passage of time -- "Will ran out of the house as I tripped = Will ran out of the house. I tripped and tumbled down the stairs."
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Rebekah Rebekah Nicole
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:18 am

Not a bad start at all. :)

If you want some tips:

Only tag dialogue when it's absolutely necessary -- "Come here!" Will shouted. -- "Will shouted" probably isn't needed. In a back-and-forth exchange, you don't need tags at all.

Avoid "as" or "I began" or other temporal phrases. The sentences will normally be stronger without them. The reader assumes the passage of time -- "Will ran out of the house as I tripped = Will ran out of the house. I tripped and tumbled down the stairs."


Thank for the tips! I'll try to work on it
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how solid
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:54 am

Yes, this isn't bad, if you're asking in terms of pacing and such I think you're getting the tone right, but there are a few issues with the writing where you use too many words, like with this paragraph.

Still unsure of what to do, I quickly made a split-second decision and climbed through the window after Will. Once inside I saw Will tearing open drawers and combing through their contents.

Rather than writing "I quickly made a split-second decision" you should go for either "I quickly made a decision" or "I made a split-second decision" one or the other but not both. Also I would write the line "Once inside I saw Will tearing open drawers and combing through their contents" as "Once inside, I saw Will tearing open drawers, combing through their contents".

But then again I'm far from being as good at English as I would like to be, but this is how I would do it.
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Jamie Moysey
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:08 am

I read a lot of books so i feel I can comment on this, err

pretty good, first off, tidy it up a bit.

- fill out some the descriptive pieces a bit
- i think you need to work on the structure a bit, i'm not sure what just doesn't quite feel/read right to me,
-general tip make sure you know what you're writing about, in this case the reaction of the police, you may have it right, i don't know

don't really know what more to say, i'm not a writer, and this isn't typically the kind of book i read, so the tone is different
hope this is helpful, good luck writing it
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Solène We
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:45 am

Yes, this isn't bad, if you're asking in terms of pacing and such I think you're getting the tone right, but there are a few issues with the writing where you use too many words, like with this paragraph.

Still unsure of what to do, I quickly made a split-second decision and climbed through the window after Will. Once inside I saw Will tearing open drawers and combing through their contents.

Rather than writing "I quickly made a split-second decision" you should go for either "I quickly made a decision" or "I made a split-second decision" one or the other but not both. Also I would write the line "Once inside I saw Will tearing open drawers and combing through their contents" as "Once inside, I saw Will tearing open drawers, combing through their contents".

But then again I'm far from being as good at English as I would like to be, but this is how I would do it.


Thanks. I would write that as "Once inside, I saw Will tearing open drawers and combing through their contents" with the single comma. thanks for catching that

Also, I think if I would just get rid of "quickly" in "Still unsure of what to do, I quickly made a split-second decision and climbed through the window after Will." that smooths out the sentence.
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Josh Dagreat
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:52 am

Also watch out for tense, you're in the past most of the time but at times switch to present.

My biggest problem with the piece was that it felt bland. I'm not getting any feeling of uniqueness/flavor/individuality about it. "My family needs the money, but I'm not sure the ends justify the means," is horribly generic and says nothing about the character (or you as a writer). Use phrases that are unique to you (rather than stock in language), tell us why the character needs money and why he is willing to resort to robbery. "I knew rent was due in a week, but I was not about to end up rotting in jail like my cousin" says something different than "My mother broke her leg and was fired from her job, and the last of our savings had gone into paying for her surgery. I knew we needed the money, but stealing it would break her heart as well." There are plenty of other places that need similar spice.

Minor things:

Watch out for repetition, as with the bright sunlight on the 2nd page. You describe the day as bright, no need to have the character say "it is bright."
"Thwack" is not the sound breaking glass makes.
How did the police get there so quickly if the house is in the middle of no-where?

P.S. Before anyone mentions it, I realize that I used cliche phrases in my example too :spotted owl:
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Nauty
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 5:27 am

Also watch out for tense, you're in the past most of the time but at times switch to present.

My biggest problem with the piece was that it felt bland. I'm not getting any feeling of uniqueness/flavor/individuality about it. "My family needs the money, but I'm not sure the ends justify the means," is horribly generic and says nothing about the character (or you as a writer). Use phrases that are unique to you (rather than stock in language), tell us why the character needs money and why he is willing to resort to robbery. "I knew rent was due in a week, but I was not about to end up rotting in jail like my cousin" says something different than "My mother broke her leg and was fired from her job, and the last of our savings had gone into paying for her surgery. I knew we needed the money, but stealing it would break her heart as well." There are plenty of other places that need similar spice.

Minor things:

Watch out for repetition, as with the bright sunlight on the 2nd page. You describe the day as bright, no need to have the character say "it is bright."
"Thwack" is not the sound breaking glass makes.
How did the police get there so quickly if the house is in the middle of no-where?


alright, I'll work on it.
1. When I said "It really is bright out here" it was more of an insecurity about robbing the house while extremely visible.
2. I'll try to come up with another sound, maybe "Crack!"?
3. I have no idea. maybe I can come up with a way to have time pass
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Jonathan Windmon
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:49 pm

Not bad. I like it, so far.


Thanks. It took me forever to write it. It may not seem like much on wattpad, but this would take up 4-5 pages in book format, 250 words a page.....
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laila hassan
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:06 am

alright, I'll work on it.
1. When I said "It really is bright out here" it was more of an insecurity about robbing the house while extremely visible.

I get that, but it's still awkward repetition. I'd cut the "bright" out of the descriptive sentence, maybe alongside the "revealing." Maybe add another sentence about him being worried about the light if you don't think its obvious enough.

"I crept forward, very aware of the sunlight. In this weather we would be visible for miles around."
" 'It is really bright out here,' I said slowly, hoping to reason my way out."
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OnlyDumazzapplyhere
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:10 am

I get that, but it's still awkward repetition. I'd cut the "bright" out of the descriptive sentence, maybe alongside the "revealing." Maybe add another sentence about him being worried about the light if you don't think its obvious enough.

"I crept forward, very aware of the sunlight. In this weather we would be visible for miles around."
" 'It is really bright out here,' I said slowly, hoping to reason my way out."


I think the main character saying "In this weather we would be visible for miles around." instead of "it really is bright out here" would work well. if you don't mind me using it....
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Life long Observer
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:04 am

I thought it was pretty good. I have actually bought worse on amazon ebooks!
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saxon
 
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Post » Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:27 am

if you don't mind me using it....

Sure, go ahead.

Btw, sorry if I sounded overly critical. It needs some work, but it's not terrible or anything, especially considering your age.
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Juliet
 
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