Dragonborn: I call this meeting today, with the help of the Greybeards and some advice from my best bro Paarthurnax--sorry he can't be here btw, but he can't fit through the doors--to ask that both the Empire and Stormcloaks temporarily stop... wait, why are you still standing?

Ulfric: Ulfric see Thalmor, Thalmor must die.

Tallus: Yeah we don't like Elenwen much either, but since we signed this treatywhatsis with the Thalmor it'd be weird not to have a Thalmor representative with us.

Dragonborn: If nobody here likes the Thalmor, then why aren't you killing them instead? I'll even help.

....

Ulfric: ...she can stay as long as she doesn't talk.

Tallus: I don't know, what do you think Dragonborn?

Dragonborn: You want me to tell you what you want for your own side? Uh... then sure, Elenwen can stay. Can everyone PLEASE sit down? I would really like that.

Ulfric: I would just like to say as a true Nord protecting her people against the tyronny of--

Tallus: Here he goes again with the speechs. Quit japping already!

Ulfric: No you shut up. Oh btw I want the city of Markarth. Make it happen.

Dragonborn: What?

Tallus: You just want Markarth because you can't get it from me in the playground.

Ulfirc: Giimme Markarth.

Tallus: Gimme one of your places first.

Dragonborn: F*ckin really? You two just can't... stop fighting for a brief time? I'm not asking for much. I just want you to stop killing each other so that I can defeat an evil dragon that wants to destroy the world. You know that by each death you are just feeding your soldier's souls to the evil dragon, right?

Ulfirc: Gimme Markarth.

Tallus: I don't know, what city should I want in return, Dragonborn?

Dragonborn: ....

Tallus: I neeeed to knooooow.

Dragonborn: FINE! Sure, let's just ask the Bosmer, ie me, which would be a good Nord city to have. [looks at map] Well, er, since Ulfric's base is in Windhelm and he wants Markarth, which is all the way on the other side of the map... and Tallus' base is in Solitude, then... he can have Riften, also on the opposite side of the map.

Tallus: Great idea. I see the advantages of having control of an area so far apart. Excellent choice.

Ulfric: That's not faaaiiiir. Gimme another city.

Dragonborn: No. A city for a city seems fair enough to me. Now sit your ass back down in your chair or I'll make you sit in the corner. With a funny white hat. Or with a bucket on your head. I haven't decided.

Tallus: Ha ha I got a new city and ur stuck with the Silverbloods. But d*mn it all Dragonborn, why did you have to stick me with Maven.

Ulfric: It's not faaaiiiir.

Dragonborn: If you two can't behave then nobody is getting dinner before bedtime.

Ulfric: Well jeeze, it's not my fault that you obviously favor the Empire.

Dragonborn: I'm going to count to three. One, two...

Ulfric: But I can look past my own desires to see the greater need.

Dragonborn: Fantastic.

Delphine: Hey is your super important meeting over with? I want you to go kill your best buddy Paarth, K?

Dragonborn: Go to your room, Delphine. Just go to your room and never come out again.