my wife was also my follower and when i wasnt looking she got killed. i would have reverted back to an old save but before she died i deleted my older saves up until the start of this quest. then the stupid auto save, saved over my new save after she died so i cant go back to before she died. so is there a way to re-marry. i herd that a courier comes after a few days but so far nothing.

There is no remarriage in Skyrim without mods or console commands. If a courier brings you a message because of your wife's death, it will most likely be a letter informing you of the inheritance she left you. It won't have anything to do with resetting your ability to marry because you've already been married once and once is the limit.

I hate not being able to re marry and also that orcs can marry multiple women. Just like the clans.