So.... yeah.. after spending roughly 3 years on this board and looking rather akwardly at the "Girlfriend/Boyfriend" threads, I ironically end up in one of them as well.

Well, there is this fantastic girl. She's like... urm... 8 years older than me (no kids!), has a fantastic taste in music, games and movies, works as a veterinary and is overall a VERY friendly person.
We were together for like 1,5 year (which honestly, was the best year and a half of my life). Hope this isn't too much information, but we *did* get rather intimate, but still not *that* intimate to call it a full sixual relationship (not sure if I am picking the correct term, english isn't my 1st language ).
After some time she starts feeling very distant. Then she calls me and wants a break, or some space as you may call it. Allright, I respect her a great deal so I give her the space and all and we both pretend to be BFF for a while.

Now.... after like 3 weeks, I get a call again and she wants to talk to me. I come over to her place and she tells me we should break up. I didn't even know what to think or say, I admit I was expecting this a bit after the long-ass break but it still hits me like a brick.
First thing she tells me is that she never got this intimate and close with anyone before, just me. Then she starts explaining that she just can't move on in the relationship, has some sort of a mental block that just prevents her from doing so (and from going more intimate as well) and fears that continuing it will just make us both angry. She did visit a counselor about this issue who just told her to "get over it" apparently :/

*sigh* I just wanted to make her feel happy but I know that pursuing a relationship with her again is probably not the best in risk of hurting her or us both... but I am still wondering to this day... did I do something wrong? Or maybe both of us? Or was it the dreaded Commitment issues? She had a very abusive grandmother in her childhood, could she have an impact on her as well?

Sorry for any english grammatical horrors, again, not my 1st language

Um 1.5 years and no six? Should've broken up with her 1.4 years ago...

You're an idiot.

How so? If they weren't having six, she was having six with someone else. Simple enough. No one goes a year with someone and doesn't have six. You date someone for amonth and aren't having six there's a problem. You're just friends at that point.

No offense intended, but that is a very narrow-minded view.
Not every man is an alpha male six-obsessed lothario and not every woman is a six-starved [censored].

six is a beautiful thing, but it's definetly not the peak of the relationship. That should be spending a lifetime with your loved one, no matter the circumstances or situation or age.

I find your opinion to be highly degrading and offensive to both genders.

I'm just letting you know why she broke up with you. You two have been just friends this whole time. Tell me what's the difference between dating and being friends? It's the six.

Please refer to my edited message.


Thank you. Like I said, six isn't a bad thing, but to base an entire relationship only on that?

Marriage.

That quip aside, not every relationship is the same. Perhaps physical intimacy just isn't that important, or perhaps there's even a valid psychological or medical reason why six might be a bad idea. In any case, relationships are not merely about six, though a healthy six life can be a sign of a good relationship - just not the other way around.

Do you still want to be friends with her? Can you be friends with her? If the answer is no, JAHO.

Sure, but when a girl 'needs space', she's getting it on with someone else. OP missed the boat.

if you don't want to be with her then don't, just tell her, only 2 can make a relationship, not 1

no need to be embarrassed or shy, don't do it on the phone for all the is holy XD...I mean break up on the phone

just do what feels right, if things did not turn out as you wished you will gain life experience (you should see my first love adventure XD...good god what a mess)

Welcome back

If anything, the issue is that she doesn't want to have six with you.

She says she has a mental block that keeps her from going further in a relationship at that point. It means she does not want to get intimate and fears that should the relationship go on any longer that it would be unfair to you both.

She doesn't want six and thinks you eventually will so wants to cut it off so things don't get ruined between the two of you.

You should let her go.

*sigh* let me straighten this out for you then, and this will be uncomfortable. All those years, she was actually never *with* anyone, meaning she is, yes, still a virgin.


Eh, I got over it for the past 2 months now, and I feel okay. I am just wondering what exactly happened, so in case I [censored] up, I can avoid this problem in the future

OP, you really haven't given us information for us to be able to tell you what went wrong or where it went wrong. Even the people closest to you, who know both of you and have spent lots of time with you two while you were together can't pin point it. There's no amount of explaining you could do either. Best bet is communication. Just ask her, because she knows best what she doesn't like.

Whatever the reason is though, my advice is to let it go. She clearly doesn't want to be with you any more. Her excuse sounds kinda lame to me, so maybe she just wants to let you down nicely. While I agree that six isn't necessary, and that relationships aren't all about them, and you could probably have a perfectly satisfying relationship without it, but it is indeed a factor. If you were playing it too slow, she may have lost interest somewhere down the line.

I don't agree with the "if she doesn't put out, break up" attitude though.

I'd say it's time to move on. At least you got a life experience out of it right?
If I had to guess I'd say she probably wasn't attracted to you. By this I mean, she obviously liked you a lot, but her attraction for you wasn't enough to warrant risking your intimate relationship (as she said it's the first one like it she's had). So basically neither of you did anything wrong, but she didn't have it in her to take a risk and decided to end it while all was well.

That's my guesstimate anyway, probably totally wrong.

EDIT: Oh, and there isn't really any way to make a universal mistake in a relationship. They are all different so possible mistakes are different for each one.

Yes, we had a discussion about it, which left me with even more questions.


I know, dishonesty was the first thing that came up in my mind.. but just... no. I actually got to know her very well and while she is very friendly, she is incredibly Introvert and a very, very honest person at the same time. Or maybe I was dealing with a devil-in-disguise all this time?

That makes us both.

yah I can't speak for you, of course to each his own, but usually I start a "relation" with mutual sixual tension than can be cut with a knife..... then take it slow until it "feels right", jumping into bed form day one is just way too fast (well for me).....maybe your not her type??!! who knows.

just be your self and LOVE yourself and it will overflow, and have 0 worries cause everyone will find companionship at some point in life even if sometimes he ain't even looking.

so dust yourself off and go find someone new to share your time with <3

In all likelihood, she just didn't have feelings for you anymore. It's nothing to feel bad about; people sometimes just outgrow each other. My sister and her boyfriend were together for almost 2 years, but they broke up because they didn't feel the same way about each other than they did when they started going dating. Sometimes it happens.

and NO its not weird to stay "platonic' for a year or so, in Lebanon people do it all the time, its a cultural thing..... but it also depends on the people and the level of maturity...etc

my only advice just do what feels right for you that's all i can give you.

gl

About the questions, I think she's just trying not to hurt your feelings. It is possible that she just isn't comfortable being physically intimate, but it is also possible that there is another reason. Either way, no point dwelling on it.

And for the second point, women usually like it when men take the initiative, so even if they act all innocent, they'd like you to be the one who escalates it (if there is any escalating involved, that is.) For future reference.

I've had some very bad experiences with women, and I agree with this 100%. I know its not true for many girls, most of them even (maybe I'm just unlucky enough to fall for the wrong ones). Nearly all my past depression episodes were due to women taking advantage of me or screwing with my feelings and I recently decided that enough was enough. I'm not going to spend my prime years constantly wallowing over something I can't control.

I have some really awesome chick friends that I love spending time with, but they are exactly that, FRIENDS. I refuse to allow another girl get close enough to me for long enough to hurt me as badly as I have been before. Also, I'm only 18 so it's not like I'm going to marry any girls I meet at my age. Some people find the right person at an early age and stick with them all the way, and good for them, but for me it's one night stands and friends with benefits from here on out...until the right person comes along of course

Edit: Granted, this is all just my opinion and I apologize if any of it sounds selfish. But I'm sure some people here can understand that a few terrible experiences can turn you off from something for a long time. I just can't trust most women as much as I used to :/

Hoping it's not too much information again, I did take the initiative from time to time, only to be pushed away with a slight discomfort on her face, and her saying "no, now's not the time". But that was only while trying to get *past* that point. If you know what I mean. She was completely fine with the.... sorry, rest.

I mean, if I am going to assume an ugly thing, and that she could have been pulling my leg all the time or was somehow physically repulsed by me, why spend her time with me for such a long time? Even the most "don't-want-to-hurt-your-feelings" kind of people would surely kill the relationship fast enough instead of playing nice for one and a half year?

I would probably feel the same if I was in your shoes. Thanks for the perspective.

Hmm, in that case... Maybe she only ever wanted to be friends? As in, however far you were, that's as far as you ever wanted to go. And since you made advancements, she realized that you wanted more, but she wasn't willing to give it, so decided to break it off, so you don't have to be committed and you're free to go find that intimacy elsewhere from someone willing to deliver. It is possible that it doesn't have to do with you, but she really, just doesn't like six, which might explain why she is a virgin.

Once again though, this speculation is utterly pointless. I know you probably want closure on the whole deal, and you wonder what went wrong and all, but I don't see any real mistakes being made on either side. However, again, we can never know you, or your relationship well enough to determine that, so it's all just guessing.

Holy Assassin, I appreciate your or anyone's insight or opinions (yeah, even yours dear "put out or break up" Jonahirt ), even if it's just a guesswork.

Don't want to look like a self-pitying jester looking for a validation, I was just wondering what other people might think.
After all, I coped with it quite good (I think) and was just trying to reflect on past.