The following is a parody and not intended to reflect any persons living or dead. If you find yourself insulted by what follows, you're reading to much into it. I also know that parts of it aren't true, but it is a parody after all.

"Um, boss? We have a problem."

"What is it, Jenkins?"

"You know those factions you wanted to add to our new MMO?"

"Yeah, what about them?"

"Um, they won't work, boss."

"What do you mean? Everybody loves TES races! Of course they'll work."

"Boss, the Redguards and Bosmer have been killing Orsimers for centuries. Why would they suddenly be friends now?"

"Jenkins, my boy, let me tell you a little secret. Do you know what my title is?"

"Yes, sir. You're the high president bumbleputty of development and life affirming speeches."

"And do you know why I have that title, Jenkins? It's because I didn't let the little things hold me back. I don't care what you have to do, Jenkins, but you will make this work. Understand?"

"Yes, boss. Who needs lore anyway?"

The boss pounds Jenkins on the back. "That's my boy! Remember, Jenkins, only boys who live in their mothers' basemants care about that stuff, anyway. Our audience only cares about two things: pretty girls in skimpy clothing and action! Give them enough of both and they won't care about anything else. We'll be billionaires!"

"Really boss?"

"No, not really. Only I'll be a billionaire, you'll always be the second assistant to the assistant to the vice president of stuff. Remember that."

"Yes, boss."

---

"Boss, it's Jenkins again."

"What is it this time, Jenkins?"

"Sir, we've been getting complaints about how our new game doesn't follow lore properly."

"So? What's the issue?"

"We're worried that we may lose part of our audience, sir."

"Jenkins, do you know what a cash cow is?"

"Um, it's a cow that produces a lot of milk allowing its owner to sell it for a huge profit?"

"Exactly, Jenkins. Now, do you know what a sacred cow is?"

"Er, it's a cow that's held in high, sometimes religious, regard and is not to be harassed or killed? Doing so can be punished by severe torture or death?"

"Smart man, Jenkins. You may just go far in this company. Now, here's another little secret: we have no sacred cows in this company. 18-25 year old men are only interested in two things: T&A - titillation and action. If people are complaining, we'll throw more pretty girls in skimpy outfits at them and create these humongous bosses that'll keep them busy for hours trying to kill."

"Do you think it'll work, boss?"

"Of course it will work! Just look at what we did in previous games!"

"Um, boss, I think the community did-"

"Jenkins, did they or did they not create that stuff for our game?"

"Well, yes boss."

"Then is it not our property now?"

"I...I think so, boss."

"See? Give them T&A and they'll be happy as clams. Now, Jenkins, one more question: do you know what a human waste disposal expert is?"

"Er, someone who cleans toilets, boss?"

"Exactly, Jenkins. Now if you don't want to become one I suggest you ignore the naysayers and keep throwing in that T&A until we're bursting at the seams. Now go, I have another cigar to smoke. Oh, and do be a good man and retrieve for me a hundred dollar bill, my old one went out and I need something to light this cigar with."

"Sure, boss. Right away, sir. Sorry to bother you with such trivial details."

The scary thing is this probably happened

The funny thing is these factions dont break the lore at all.

But then again people who don't know anything beyond the most suprficial parts of the lore will claim that it does till the end of time.

Please explain how they don't break lore then. In detail

Enemies have been known to ally with one another to defeat a common enemy.

It's redguard and Bretons killing the Orcs not Bosmer. Though I still like this thread...

Aren't parodies supposed to be funny?

If you've been watching any of the threads about this, someone has pointed out that many of these races have made common cause at some point. The Nord for example, though traditionally enemies of Orcs and the Chimer/Dunmer, allied with them during the events of Red Mountain. That is just one example.


Vivec, besides being a walking-god, has shown himself on numerous occasions to be a deft negotiator and diplomat, and because of his deity status, insures Dunmer loyalty to any pact he agrees to. The Argonians are compelled by the Hist, and the Nords may very well follow their own King. Besides all this, there may be any number of unforeseeable circumstances that compel each of them to cease hostilities and make common cause. It has happened in TES history before, and it happens all the time in our own history.

Well

The Aldmeri Dominion
-Altmer
-Bosmer
-Khajiit
What lore problems are there? none. The original Dominion was known to have made peace pacts with the Khajiit, the Moamer, and The Reachmen.

Daggerfall Covenant
-Bretons
-Redguards
-Orcs
Redguards, and Orcs, along with the Nords, are the three greatest warrior groups in Tamriel. The Redguards respect strength, and have always respected the Orc's, and the Nord's, strength. It is not unreasonable to assume that the Reguards and Orcs, two groups who have respected eachother for thier fighting abilities for ages, under influence from the Bretons could team up.

Ebonheart Pact
-Nords
-Dunmer
-Arognians
--Nords have teamed up with the dunmer at least once in the past to take out the Dwemer
--The Dunmer would do anything the Tribunal tells them, and Vivec isn't so stupid as to not take an oppritunity when he sees it
--The Argonians are led by a race of magical trees, the Hist, from the past universe whose methods and means are unknowable by thier very nature.

Nords aren't so racist as to not ally with the Dunmer if needed, The Dunmer would do what the Tribunal tells them, and the Argonains would do whatever The Hist tell them.

Ha ha .Nice. Saddly its probaly closer to the truth than we know.

Well the only thing that ruins the lore for me is really the fact that Molag Bal trying to svck tamriel into his realm, has naver been mentioned before as far as I know, it's quite dramatic and should have been mentioned earlier, but that's all.
I doubt a conversation like this ever took place and I think this thread is useless.

I never claimed it was supposed to be seeing as how humor is in the eye of the beholder. This is just my observations about what I know of the game and what I've seen discussed elsewhere. I'm sorry you didn't find humor in it, but I can't change your perceptions.

Haha lmao very good parody

Well makes sense but still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Just feels like they bent the time and lore to their own ends not for the sake of good storytelling. Time will tell though, hopefully the gameplay trailer will reveal more.

It only feels that way because its being "twisted" into something you disagree with. To some of us, it seems like a decent storytelling device, for which we are very curious to see in detail. If we get to that point and we find out: "A group of Nord pacifists formed a United Nations for peace, abolishing slavery, bar fights, sap drinking... oh and religion," yea, we got a problem.

didn't the Nords kill all Dunmer they couldn't throw out of Skyrim?

Well I'd say I agree with it and it makes perfect sense buuut, why have I not heard about this in any of the TES single player games, especially as they are set after these events. I hope you get the point I am trying to make. I'd have prefered somewhere like either 'the great war' mentioned in Skyrim or Akavir, Akavir because it would be fresh things to see and the great war cause it would be more relatable to me coming fresh from Skyrim.

A dragon-break could have erased it from history.

also we will never go to akavir, tamreil is the only important place on Nirn, all races know this, that is why they try to invade constatly.

But reading about the lore from Akavir makes me so intrested in it. I know if I lived in Tamriel I would be one of those crazy explorers who plan an expidition to Akavir and are never seen from again...

I get what you're saying, but thats why they are picking a time that is essentially the "Dark Ages" of Tamriel's history. They get to have a creative license with minimal impact to lore. Its in the past, almost certainly because Bethesda plans to keep making TES games set in the future, and they don't want to be tied down by the MMO.

As far as Akavir goes, I keep telling people each time this comes up, there will NEVER be a game set in Akavir. It won't happen. TES is about Tamriel. The only possible exception is expansions or quests that take us there, but there will never be a TES #: Akavir. By the time they cycle through all the provinces for Tamriel, Beth will be ready to revisit previous provinces they've done, feature all of Tamriel, or quit making TES games all together. Akavir will always be just background for Tamriel.

Akavir is like the Dwemer....... its cool becuase you know so little about it.

But like the Dwemer, showing it to you fully would ruin the mystique.

Right, like I said, some errant quest that lets you visit a small island of Akavir, that is a dream you can cling to, but beyond that you're only hope is an adventurous modder(who we all hope has a good sense for lore, and a team of lore experts to back him/her up).

Well you never know... even if we never see Akavir...there could at least be an invasion from Akavir someday... I hope... =D

Invasion being the main questline/story of the TES title.

Entirely possible. Hell, its even justifiable for this MMO.

Yeah, i'd have loved to see something like that. PvP would be crazy as Akavir v Tamriel concept.