Think of the Calipers!!111one21!

Light Armor – 'Guard'ian: all damage from arrows is deflected, unless struck in the knee, in which case 300% damage is taken.

Hurdler: Jump twice as high while sprinting.

Barter - Cyrodiil export "Yarns, tweezers, inkwells, paint brushes and other useless crap from Cyrodiil randomly start appearing in chests." I miss the times when i could open a chest, only to find a ball of yarn, cloth and a paintbrush <3

"Fur Smithing" Smithing 10: You can make Fur Armor.
"Master Opener" Lockpicking 5: You can open unlocked containers easier.
"Shield Spell Master" Block 100: When you have a shield out, spells on your left hand do double the damage.
"Immersion" Heavy Armor 25: The heavier the armor, the slower you run.
"Not Good With Words" Speech 25: You buy stuff at higher prices and sell stuff at lower prices.
"You're not Dovahkiin!" Speech 10: All shouts are disabled. (Warning. This may mess up the main quest)

Cushioned: Fall damage is cut in half while wearing heavy armor.

I can just see the developers arguing about that one.

"That perk is f&*%ing useless, man. Nobody will take it."

"Yeah, you're right. Let's just make it a pre-req for a really awesome perk, then they'll HAVE to take it."

"F*^# it, let's throw fists of steel in their too, then."

A skill tree for pickaxe and woodcutter's axe.

lol I imagined a guy smashing jewelry with his hammer

I was just thinking the same thing!! I would take this one. Hands down.

Speech: Thane of Riverwood.
Congratulations! You're such a sweet talker that you've become Thane of Riverwood, and can therefore purchase a house in the city.

This perk automatically unlocks the neverending quest "Find the Jarl of Riverwood", with the quest marker locked on Whiterun where a new dialogue option with the Jarl's steward only leads to the same comment "Riverwood? Don't make me laugh, it's hardly a village!" and you're response is locked to the comment "Well, it's at least bigger than Winterhold!"

Speech, friendly giants perk.

You are now able to purchase mammoths from giants to serve as companion.

Light Armor - Conditioned - +10 to your athletics and Acrobatics skills

Imagine trying to get past THEM in a doorway

Holy Aura: The sun shines out of your azz.

Vegeta- Deal OVER NINE THOUSAND damage with any weapon or spell.

Akatosh's fury- Deal 500% more damage when equiped with a divine amulet (Not Talos).

Leroy- Everytime your character deals damage they scream "leroy Jenkins" and gain a 25% speed bonus for 300 seconds.

The Pervert- 25% chance on a critical hit of deequiping the opponent of all equip items and they can't reequip for 120 seconds (2 minutes).

"Sweetroll" Speech 10: Merchants now always have 20 Sweetrolls in their inventory for sale.
"U Paralyzing Strike" One-Handed 100: Any power attack has a chance to paralyze you, but also paralyze those around you.......you get paralyzed for a longer period of time though.
"I Got Some Good 'Sneakers'!" Sneak 0-4 (Levels up, e.g. Armsman): You are 20% easier to detect. +15% for each rank.
"Red Fingers" Alchlemy 70: Any ingredients you pick or even TOUCH are destroyed, making Alchlemy useless!
"Patch Blood" Alchlemy 80: You lose all of your resistances. And no, a patch will not fix this.
"Defect" Enchanting 100: You can't put enchantments on items anymore.
"I Used To" Archery 0: If you take an arrow in the knee, you turn into a city guard.

Two Handed: "Warhammer of the Follower"
This perk equips your current follower to be your new Warhammer, with a damage output set to your followers level. Unfortunately, it will slow you down quite considerably, also dependant on whose your current follower.

Lockpicking: "Potato finder"
Find more potatoes in barrels.

Pickpocket: "No pockets"
Carrying capacity is decreased by 100 %. Warning: all questlines will take considerably longer time to finish.

Let me introduce you to a whole new perk tree and the first perk in it: Deadly clutter (I know, it's the name of a mod from Oblivion!): Turns all appropriate clutter into a weapon.

lol, "I'm gonna kill you with my TROLL SKULL!
Be pretty funny.

Speech - "Playa Playa"
-Members of the opposite six swoon as you walk by. Only works in non-combat situations.

Yeah, that could be sort of an archery-clutter-weapon. First thing that came to my mind was either fighting with a broom as a two handed weapon or a spoon as a one handed weapon.

Conjuration, level 50:
Mannimarco surprise - summonings now have a chance to be a generic cowardly altmer necromancer instead of what you hoped.
Gain a grand black soul gem everytime the altmer kills a humanoid succesfully.

Alteration, level 25:
Divine Intervention - magelight can now transport you on occasion to a random area within your current location (underwater, air, included).
50% less damage from all sources for 5 seconds.

Introducing the new perk tree called the "Traveler"

Perk #1 - Get a 10% discount on all carraige rides between cities that begin with the letter "R".
Perk #2 - Fast Traveling takes 1/2 the time when completing a radiant quest for any NPC whose name starts with the letter "O".
Perk #3 - 100% increase in the probability of encountering an amgry mob of frost trolls while walking between destinations.
Perk #4 ("Carriage Master") - You inherite the carraige from your long lost uncle and are forced to sit outside of Whiterun for the rest of eternity while random NPC's come to you for a ride.

get discount on cabbages and foxes flee