Well, as the title implies I'm a young writer who has written quite a few things in my lifetime. My passion first came from this girl I fell in love with, and now ever since then for two and a half years I've been writing this story that will eventually span three-four books. I've been getting a lot of encouraging feedback with things like "spectacular", "vivid", and one of my favorites, "this should be a movie!" Anyway, I wanted to know what you all would think of my work so I've decided to put my short introduction here for you all to read. Be honest with me and tell me what you think, as this is my life's passion (besides the Military ) and all the helpful feedback I can get is highly appreciated.

July 23, 2616

The lone Spartan stood before the hazy horizon scanning the land before him with unblinking eyes. This place sure has seen better days. His blue and silver armor gleamed, capturing the pale, sickly light of the sun shining through clouds of smoke and dust. The orders had been clear enough; there was nothing to do now but see what was left to save in this desolate city.

Marching through the rubble he idly listened to the echo of his own footfalls reverberate throughout the silent ruin. Buildings, offices, and skyscraqers crumbled from the inside out and outside in. Some seemed to stand over severed parts of other structures as if they were fallen soldiers.

Nothing stirred but the Spartan. He looked down into the palm of his hand; in it laid a pair of dog tags. On it was engraved was a simple rank, but that wasn’t what he read. There was a name on the other side, something only known to him. Why couldn’t it have been me instead? He made his grip tighter on the tags and marched forward solemnly, pausing every now and then to watch the motion tracker in the lower left corner of his helmet’s visor. Still nothing but destruction and death. Bloodied corpses still littered the street like road kill on a highway; slaughtered like animals. The Spartan knelt down next to one such corpse; a soldier, barely twenty.

“Rest in peace, marine,” he whispered to the body, sliding his thumb and forefinger over his eyelids. Beep. The sound of the motion tracker startled him and made him jump to his feet. Beep. It was louder, stronger now. Life. He sprinted towards the direction where the dot was on his tracker, hoping he wouldn’t be too late…

I really like this beginning. What about with the very first sentence, don't even point at that he was a spartan. Just a lone warrior or something.

Thank you . Interesting suggestion, hm...I'll consider changing that.

If you want my honest opinion, I'd have to say it's clunky, cliched, and in need of editing. There doesn't seem to be anything unique about it: a future warzone, marines and Spartans in a bland mix that says nothing about the setting other than a far-distant date. If it were a movie, I'd expect to find it on SyFy starring Van Damme.

But keep at it. This critique is only meant in your best interest.

Well, it was a short introduction that is set far before the events that lead up to it, so I can understand you saying that since I forgot to mention this. The uniqueness you're talking about comes later as well, as this is just a brief introduction to foreshadow events to come.

A few pedantic things. I thought it was odd to describe the armour as "gleaming" and the sun as "shining", when the light is "pale" and "sickly" from being refracted through clouds + dust. You're trying to paint a picture here, and I wasn't sure if the scene was supposed to be bright or dull.

The other thing was semi-colon usage. This seems ok: "He looked down into the palm of his hand; in it laid a pair of dog tags." because the semi-colon is being used to conjoin two independent clauses. However, I thought the following cases were not quite right: "Bloodied corpses still littered the street like road kill on a highway; slaughtered like animals" This should be a comma, because it's a dependent clause. Also "The orders had been clear enough; there was nothing to do now but see what was left to save in this desolate city." Maybe just use a period here.

Some turns of phrase sounded a little awkward. "Knelt down next to one such corpse". Sounds too formal. Maybe just "knelt down next to one", since it's understood from context that "one" refers to a corpse. "He made his grip tighter..." Why not just "He tightened his grip"?

I think mentioning that the motion tracker is in the "lower left corner" is unnecessary. Just say that it's in the visor.

That may be, but if you can't interest your reader with your first paragraph, or even your first line, your story is unlikely to interest them later. It was more the overall design of the world that seemed trite, though: military sci-fi cliches are a dime a dozen, as are anachronistic throwbacks to greco-roman antiquity. If you really want to stand out, you're better off finding something more innovative. But if all you want to create is sci-fi pulp, that's fine too. There's a lot of it out there already.

I'm admittedly not the best with punctuation, so I definitely will look it over and take your suggestions. As for the wording for the lighting, I think it fits as the sun is shining through the moving clouds of dust and debris, but then is clouded again. Think of a cloud passing over your head with a layer of thick, yellow fog around you as well. That's the sickly part I'm talking about. I should probably add that in to make it more clear.

edit: fixed

I realize this, but this is just one story. I've been writing several other that aren't sci-fi, but truthfully I'm all too aware that there are very little original ideas when it comes to sci-fi. It's more about the characters in this story, not just the conflict. That's what I think separates it from the rest. That, and I wanted there to be questions raised instantly by my brief intro. Obviously you have a different way of doing things, and I'll respect that. For me however, this is the way I want this character's story to begin. If you'd like, I could actually post the first chapter here but I'm not too sure that would entirely change your opinion.

Perhaps you would progress further by assimilating the opinions you asked for, instead of defending against them.

Perhaps the thread would progress further if you stopped giving OP a hard time because he/she isn't writing the next Hugo award-winner. Young writers have to start somewhere; nothing wrong with cutting their teeth by sticking to well worn genre conventions/tropes.

Very well. I was taught to accept criticism when asked for, because nothing is worse than being told you're good at everything on the first attempt. How else does one improve than making all the same mistakes that everyone also made, and having them pointed out through feedback? Personally I can't stand someone not having the decency to say my stuff isn't yet perfect - saves me looking like a blustering fool in the long run.

There's no need to tell an aspiring artist that they should try to be original and inspired, that's the most obvious thing in the world. What's helpful is pointing out things they may not have noticed.

I appreciate this, thank you. Cpt. Joker, I am using some of these suggestions and I'm considering all the things that have been said thus far. It just seems like either you really dislike the idea or are expecting a total change in my vision, which is not something I'm too keen on doing. I will have these posts pulled up next to my 50+ pages of writing when I go to further re-edit it, but please, don't give me a hard time about being original. It's very hard to completely be original these days.

It is very aggravating when all one gets is "it's perfect!" as a response. Lately, that's all I've been getting. It boosts my confidence yes, but it does little to help anything else. I do value your opinion, but I do also know not everyone will like certain elements of a story, or even a whole story and that it will be impossible to make my work be loved by everyone.

Yes. I appreciate help in fixing grammar and criticism such as "you need more detail here" or "this part of your plot just doesn't make sense" type comments. I am trying to be original, yes, but I can only be but so original with the story that I want to write that involves this genre. But, this is only the introduction; the further the story goes on, the more it becomes intriguing and original. My idea of writing was to make something vivid, intriguing, easy to follow, and enjoyable. Too often I've read these fantastic books that just go on and on about the visuals in a setting. I wanted to write something that was vivid, but not to the point to where a reader becomes bored just reading about the scenery. But most of all, I want the characters to provoke emotions in a reader. This story is more about the internal struggles of the main character as he comes to grips with his role and how that role forces him to make a choice that will ultimately lead to his happiness as a normal man who's been freed from being forced to fight as something he wasn't meant to be, or as just another soldier blindly following orders.