It has begun. A trickle of whining and flaming has been present for the past few days on the internet, but now it appears the flood gates have opened. This happens on every game release, ever. From Mount & Blade to Call of Duty - from Dead Island to Orcs Must Die!. A wave of threads decrying a game as the worst game ever even before it is released. I even read one guy saying that the Bethesda dev team should be beheaded (I kid you not) because the horses are too fat and are therefore unrealistic. Obviously this person did not take into account that horses in very cold climates have shorter legs and more body fat to preserve heat, perhaps his rant would have made more sense if he had. Honestly, 99.999% of people will be blown away by Skyrim but in the next two weeks this forum will be CRAWLING with those who will take every single bug or flaw and make it into a huge flamewar. There will be intelligent threads, but they will be lost to the horde.

Anyway, enough of the doom and gloom - I am here to provide you all with a guide on how to flame the game on these forums. These tips are taken from the most experienced whingers and whiners on the entire interwebs.

Hello! Welcome to Estellan's Complaint Thread Guide!

I decided to write this guide detailing how to make one of your very own "I HATE SKYRIM" threads! Here are some simple rules to follow to ensure GREAT feedback:

1) Misspell EVERYTHING. The harder it is for other readers to decipher what you are saying, the more likely they are to take your idea seriously and think of you as an intelligent individual with well-thought out opinions. If it makes you feel better, write out a full essay in perfect English and then remove all the vowels completely, replacing the odd one with a consonant. Ths mns t' wll lk lyk ths. Perfect! Now everyone is sure to read your entire thread and take it seriously.

2) Everyone who disagrees with you is under 13, mentally handicapped, a social outcast or all of the above. No exceptions. This is the only reason anyone could ever disagree with you ever. Your logic is undeniable. Remind them of this, and their shortcomings, every time they call any of your points into question.

3) Make sure to insult anyone who dares disagree with the point you are making. Call them names and refer to them as "boi" or "son" in every line. Make sure to quote everything they say and blow it way out of proportion and twist it's meaning. Did they say they enjoyed the game? They hate [insert race here]. Did they say the combat system was fun and effective? They agree with the slave trade. Bam. Remember: Insulting others proves beyond a shadow of a doubt you are right and are the physical and intellectual superior of everyone else on the forums.

4) Bring real life into your thread as much as possible. Someone says they want more evidence to back up your claims? They can't benchpress as much as you and have engaged in intercourse with fewer women. Inform them of this. Now victory is yours.

5) Their, they're and there are all the same word. Use them randomly. Particularly when insulting another person. "I h8 Befesda, there pathetik" or "Their the stupidest game desigo....dezigno.....makers ever". "Your stupid" or "You're brain is small" are also acceptable as it is the same with "You're" and "Your".

6) Every single bug in a massive sandbox game is evidence of complete failure of the companies and everyone working with them, affliated with them, everyone who has ever heard of them and everyone who owns a computer or has ever seen a computer.

7) Decide you hate this game and will not waste another second on it. After deciding this, search for the Skyrim forums, create an account, activate that account, then write a huge thread about how much time you are absolutely NOT wasting on this game.

8) Mention every single flaw of the game but nothing positive. At all. Ever. Die before you compliment the game. A book was halfway through a shelf; and this is worthy of an entire thread about how Bethesda make the Nazi regime look like Greenpeace.

9) Mention how much you hate the levelling system and the fact there are quests. The fact the game was marketed as a massive sandbox RPG gave you no hint at all these would be involved. At all. For bonus points, ask why there are no guns.

10) Perhaps most importantly, give your thread a title which gives absolutely no clue to it's content. For example: "SO ANGRY AT THIS GAME!! READ HERE!!" or "THIS GAME svckES". Alternatively, try to curveball the readers by offering an intelligent sounding thread name such as "My personal reasons for disliking this product..." and then have the thread content sounding like the rantings of the KKK leader on a Class A substance.

11) Take a really obscure, hard-to-implement thing and then become enraged that it was not in the game. For example, start a whole thread demanding your money back because you can't ride dragons. For bonus points, demand people make a mod where you can and become incensed when no-one does.

As you might have guessed, this is a joke *gasp*. However, in all seriousness, I hope you all enjoy this as much as I am sure I will and I will see you on the other side once the flame-dust settles!! I have enough bottled water and coco shreddies next to my computer to last me that long I reckon!

Enjoy, fellow Dragonborn!

You know, I think this is the Era were Fishy sticks will no longer be given to newcomers but infact the back to people who make good insightful posts


this does not constitute as good or Insightful

Good day.

You should clarify on what a flamer is. I viewed this for all the wrong reasons...

Amazing post! Thanks man, you really gave me a huge laugh.

It's a nice break.

Terrible [censored] post. 0/10 OP.

We don't allow flaming here. We do have some nice guidelines for constructive criticizem however written up in our rules. Mind if we use those as a guide?