I have got to write a speech about dogs. Don't ask why. I could use some help. What could I talk about? It needs to humorous and well-written with use of literary devices.

We're not doing your homework for you.

They love to pee, eat their own poop and hump anything.

Looks like you just screwed your internet reputation pooch.

Homework? No. There is another reason.

If you want to write a speech about dogs, try reading 'A Dog's Purpose', a very good book written from the PoV of a dog.

Just tell the audience what you go through to be the kind of person your dog thinks you are

Dogs: Man's DEADLIEST fiend? Tune in tonight at 11 on FOX News.

They are annoying, constantly barking, having to be walked. Tend to do their business all over the damn place and their owners are the most rude and inconsiderate people I know because of the fact that they allow their mongrels to do their business in my driveway.

"Next time I catch your dog crapping in my yard I'm going to staple it's ass shut!!"

A cookie to anyone who knows the movie.

Maybe you could write it in the form of poetry.

Dogs are a species
That have four legs
They lay faeces
Instead of eggs.

Okay, maybe some actual skill may be required.

'They like to sniff the ass

of every friendly lad and lass'

Hmm....perhaps you're right.

I suggest "Shall I compare thee to a fat poodle?"

Closed per OP request.