» Tue Jul 17, 2012 4:03 pm This is, essentially, the story of my life! At least the last couple decades of it. I’ll skip the whole abusive step father/traumatic childhood thing, since nobody probably wants to here about that, and I don’t mean to make it a sob story. Besides, I’m mostly over that, my infant genital mutilation, and the lingering self-doubt it all resulted in. Mostly.
So, I guess this is more the story of my advlt life.
Like many of my generation, I jumped straight into the workforce after high school. Well, that isn’t exactly true. What happened was more like, I graduated with high honors and a 4.0 GPA, had several colleges lined up, then got thrown out on the street by my alcoholic step dad with no help, no support, and my mom basically going along with it to maintain her ability to be provided for without having to work herself.
I had to put my dreams of becoming a biochemist, world leader, and virtual world designer on hold, to rush into ~$10k debt to get MCSE/A+ certified through a local trade school, since my economic situation living in Southern California with essentially zero contacts or experience left me with little alternative than to make money fast.
I wish now in hindsight I had better guidance. I would probably have gone into even more debt and pursued more scholarships. Unfortunately most of those are only available to newly graduated high school students, and I’m now 32 with a less than perfect credit rating, having worked as a network engineer and software writer/support tech for the past 15 years just trying to pay off that loan for what I never really wanted to do.
All the while I was saving, investing in gold and silver, and whenever I had a little extra money I bought books, computers for my brother and sisters (I build them from scratch), plus did as many things as possible to make everyone I cared about’s lives a little better. So, while I managed to save a little, I was mostly spending money doing things for others, or just staying afloat myself. I also invested several thousand dollars to help my biological father get his gold mine off the ground (though it hasn’t come very far as of yet.)
I always had a pretty crappy car, from my “poverty Plymouth” (Gran Fury, which was actually pretty badass though I ended up having to sell it cheap since nobody would let me park it at their place when my company at the time required I get something nicer), to my Chevy Astro minivan, which I still have. I’ve always lived in modest apartments, supporting myself and my girlfriend at the time when I worked in Oregon, or later sharing the burden of ~$2000 a month in O.C. southern California with my dad.
I have had the opportunity to work for some interesting people, from major multinational telecommunications companies to biotech companies, but I was never really happy with my life. It was always a chore, something I HAD to do, to try and pay off the debt I went into for something I never WANTED to do, which I never seemed to be able to make much headway on. Bills kept piling up, cars kept breaking down, people kept moving away, or needing help, etc. Eventually I couldn't afford to keep up with new and renewed certifications to avoid getting outsourced, or pigeon-holed into a dead-end career. It seemed like it would never end.
Then finally, my last temp-to-hire job fell through. I was originally hired to do software phone support for international biotech clients, and ended up getting pressured into writing programs and managing projects well beyond the job description for zero pay increase. Then they decided to cut back and lay off all their temp employees a month before my term to hire was up.
I had no choice but to move back to Oregon, into a run-down old shack on the back of some friend’s property. I tried to get another job down south, but the cost of rent svcked my resources so fast it simply wasn’t feasible. I had what little gold and silver I’d saved, plus unemployment which soon ran out, and moving away from my family and friends again became my only option.
After the money ran out I got on food stamps to avoid starving to death while I continued looking for work, however the Oregon economy is particularly depressed. I manage to get some odd jobs now and then fixing computers but that’s about it. Since my Cobra health insurance ran out and Oregon isn’t accepting new applicants for any sort of indigent care, I have several health issues I am very concerned about I have been forced to ignore. I also cannot afford to get new glasses to replace the ones that were crushed in the move, which leaves me unable to re-up my license since I’m registered as requiring corrective lenses. So, my vehicle sits unmaintained in non-op.
I suffered a spinal chord injury as a teenager which has left me unable to perform manual labor jobs (along with causing me constant pain), which seem to be all there is around here that are hiring. I am told disability won’t cover me unless I get a second opinion even though it is in my medical file, and I obviously can’t afford that right now. Years ago I was prescribed Prozac for chronic depression which I never took, but it has only gotten worse to the point some days I can’t even get out of bed. Again, I am not qualified for any sort of state aid during this difficult period, nor can I afford such medications now that I might consider actually taking them, and save for this leaky, often rat-infested old shack, I am basically homeless.
My father’s gold mine has been plagued with setbacks and overbearing regulations and so hasn’t made any profit. I’ve tried to break into writing, submitting samples to several game companies and publishers, but have yet to hear back from any of them. Apparently I’m just not very good.
Overall I feel like my life is a complete waste, except of coarse for the good I was able to do. I never expected anything in return, but at the same time, I can’t believe in anything like karma anymore. Every woman in my life has betrayed me, leaving for the next best thing either in the financial or non-mutilated six department. None of my friends have ever been able to reciprocate help financially, though I don’t expect anyone to.
I worry about my parents dying constantly. About the rich leaving us defenseless against biotechnology to avoid having to build public housing so they can keep their leveraged slaves. About stem cells and immortality being available to the highest bidders and everyone else being left to go extinct.
I joke about it to try and keep my spirits up. I say things like “yeah, nice god complex you spoiled brats. Such an accomplishment, that whole ‘being born with money’ thing. You really must have worked hard to win life’s lottery.” Usually it comes out funnier than that. Sometimes the sense of humor works and sometimes not.
Overall I have to say, my opinion of humanity and life on this planet is not high. I share many of Gene Roddenberry’s views on the subject. That we have virtually limitless potential, and accomplish virtually nothing of what we’re capable of, because man is obsessed with vanity and greed and controlling other people’s lives, and with keeping slaves (by any other name).
They get a little money and suddenly they’re god’s gift to the universe. Overnight elitism, and betrayal of the little guy. Former progressives go on to denounce the “parasitical” poor. As soon as they aren’t suffering, they’re condescending at those that still do, and it seems against our capitalist religion to help ANYONE but ourselves, unless its random anonymous and uninvolved charity donations for the tax and public opinion write-off.
People say you have to reinvent yourself. But I say YOU try it, when all you have to work with is the reinvention of a thousand obsolete wheels, and a road that leads to nowhere.
Well, that's it! Hope I didn't depress anyone, and I am fully prepared for the "lord helps those that help themselves" advice. For what it's worth, I've tried.
