Tell me people, am I going insane? : Othor Games

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 6:30 pm

I've had the misfortune to fall into depression a mere month from my final exams.

I'm angrier than ever before and at the smallest of things. I've cried like I haven't in years. I feel a deep hatred for all the occurrences around me and the world in general. I have taken to drinking before going to school, skipping classes, and stealing money from my parents and siblings. I look for distractions in everything, whether it be friends, booze or music. Anything to keep my mind off my invisible enemy which I cannot describe in any coherent way. I've tried to reach out to others, but it seems nobody understands me besides Black Sabbath and a handful of hardcoe punk bands (Black Flag, Dead Kennedys, D.R.I., Suicidal Tendencies, etc).

At first I thought this curse was due to falling in love with a girl, one of my closest friends in fact. I hated the thought of being in love, seeing as I felt I was betraying her. She had been cheated on by some [censored] and feels she can't trust another partner at this time. Add constantly getting high to that and you can see she's not having the greatest of times at the moment. Yet more fuel into my fire of frustrations.

Now it seems to me she was just another distraction, the ultimate distraction. My mind trying to save itself through the incomprehensible beauty of this individual, perhaps.

I told her how I felt of course. I cried into her arms as she turned me down the best way a good friend could, blaming herself and doing anything to cheer me up. That was a good night, but I still feel the same way about her. All my friends did what they could to help, promising eternal friendship and never to abandon me. One friend of mine even confessed that he too was in love with a member of our social group, and that seeing her flirt and dance with other boys breaks his heart.

A teacher asked me if I wanted to receive counselling. Maybe she was informed of my attitude of late, maybe she took note of my truanting, maybe she smelt the Scotch on my breath. I informed her of my unwillingness, that I could figure this out on my own or with the assistance of those close to me, but that doesn't seem to be working.

My mock exams begin in two weeks, followed by my graduation and my final exams shortly after that. I have an essay to write in approximately twelve hours, which I haven't prepared for in the slightest. I haven't slept in two days and my hair is a lot shorter than I want it to be, as it is I look like another smiling idiot happy to conform 'til death.

I haven't thought about taking my life in such a serious sense since my earlier childhood and I have to accept the obvious truth that all these stupid things I'm doing are cries for attention.

It seems just when the world is beginning to make sense, a spanner is thrown into the works. I feel I am killing myself to live.

So...

» Mon Sep 09, 2013 1:05 am

Sounds like the MentalHealth.gov link at the bottom of the forums could do you some good. Also, high school isn't the be all and end all of life (I'm assuming that is what the exams are for).

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:36 pm

Yes. Welcome to the madhouse! I would definitely recommend therapy. I have/had similar problems, and therapy helps me a lot. I'm not even close to "normal" because of it, but it helps to have a non-judgemental person to talk to, that can understand what you are going through, and how you think. If you can find a good therapist, and are honest and open about what's going on, they can help you out a lot. There's nothing wrong with having a problem.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 11:53 pm

This + 1000. I've had friends and relatives in your situation, and much as they couldn't believe it would help, it did. Go talk to a therapist. That is not something you can do on your own, nor with only the help of friends and relatives.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:07 pm

Ive suffered with depression for way way to long, for starters stop drinking it doesnt help it just covers the symptoms and in alot of cases can make it worse, the advice in seeing someone is good advice, if you can get it early you have a better chance, the longer depression goes the more it reinforces its self, but recognising that you are depressed is good its easy just to get swallowed by it and do nothing, but get some counselling, also finding something you like to do that occupys your mind helps as well.

» Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:14 am

Have you tried working out or taking jogs in the nature? It's proven that it helps people who are depressed, or anyone in general actually.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 8:56 pm

Can any one person say with complete and utter certainty that they are completely mentally stable? Well, I guess they could, but they'd still be wrong.

We're all insane, bud. It's pretty much a requirement to join these forums. What you are experiencing is just delving into the dark side. Can you try your best to explain what this invisible enemy is? Society, or God or whatever influences this universe?

Now, this will be hard, but try to stop thinking. You fear and despise the brutality of life, I imagine, and it's a bit too much to endure. You wonder where you'll be in life and it's slowly breaking you to realize that you will probably be jobless and poor.

Stop. Take three deep breaths and cease such thoughts. Think about where you are now. High school/university? Focus on your studies; school is one of the best distractions for such fear and anger, such sadness and hate. You can try to resolve this by yourself, but you may have to take the counselling to get you out of this slump.

Now that your mind is in the present, try thinking about what you could do to try to fix the problem. Booze is pretty depressing to drink and spend much-needed money on, IMO, so try to quit drinking. You don't have to completely cease all consumption of alcohol immediately, but try to limit the amount you drink, and decrease the limit every day (i.e. 15 units of alcohol a week, then try bringing that down to 12, or 10). Eventually your mind will be cleared and you can think of a solution to your problem.

How are things with your family? Do you feel betrayed by them, thinking that if you came to them with your problems, that they would reject you and never speak to you again? Well, you could try that, but it seems that a more peaceful way to get into their good graces is by paying them back. Now that alcohol is more out of the picture, you should have more money (assuming you currently have a job). Who knows what good that will do, but it could make you feel a little better that you're trying to fix all these problems.

Other than that, what everyone else said. Therapy is amazing, but if you feel you can't do it, find the less judgmental friend in your circle and lay down your soul to him/her. Perhaps they can give some good advice, and if not, at least you feel a little better by expressing yourself.

Sorry if those questions are too personal. Feel free to ignore them if you like.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 8:40 pm

My oldest brother used to struggle with depression and the best advice is truly to talk to someone who can help. Whatever you end up doing though just try to avoid doing nothing or using booze or drugs specifically to tone down your feelings. This is something that is hard to deal with but has to be dealt with up front. Not through avoidance.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:25 pm

I had four years of therapy after coming home in '08.

I was in a very bad place, made more so because I had a beautiful boy who thinks I'm super-dad, and I wasn't sure my condition wouldn't screw him up at some point.

I would stare down the barrel of my sidearm every night after logging off of this very forum, and then put it away.

I'm in a better place now, with a loving wife, and a rapidly growing son who -still- thinks I'm super-dad..

..although being eight now, he also calls me butthead regularly.. yeah, whatcha gonna do? :shrug:

All I can say is that everything always changes, it's the only constant this effing universe knows or cares about and it's all we can use to move through the crappy darkness, and into the sunlight of better times.

I hope you can take any of this -as well as what the others have said, and somehow find a bolthole (mentally) to whether it out.

Take care dude, because everyone's worth that care that they take from life.

» Sun Sep 08, 2013 9:05 pm

My family I feel I couldn't talk to as I don't feel very close to them and have come to despise them.

Thank you to all those who have commented. Your words have convinced me to give a letter, in person, to the teacher that asked me if I wanted counselling. This is in order to present exactly what I'm going through, sparing no detail other than a few names.

I've also decided to present this to the girl, as I feel I need to explain considering I may have scared her.

Perhaps I should try to sleep now.