.... no, not ones about height, that's a different thread. I'm looking for one-liners or funny jokes that don't take a long time to tell.

Basically I just need some fresh material to lighten the mood around some of the people that I see from time to time (everyone's sooo serious anymore, myself included). I can't really think of anything elaborate to explain myself, I used to be a 'funny guy', but haven't made anyone laugh for a while. And yes, even recluses/hermits like myself like to entertain others occasionally.

Just keep things forum friendly, ok?

Did you know that Hellen Keller had a parrot?

Niether did she.


Do you know who the worst person to play musical chairs with is? Rosa Parks.

Why couldn't Sally wave? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

Just say Hot Pockets after everything.

Hellen Keller had a dog. It's name was arghblarghughblah.

I hate going to the dentist because every time I go, my tongue gets depressed.

This will get bombarded with Chuck Norris Facts fast.

You hear about that mute pers- *batman slap* NO!






...Okay, that really svcked. I'm not good at this.

Heard a couple jokes on the Daily Show lately that are short and maybe one of them is inappropriate and you probably should not tell it.

A Duck goes into a store he is a regular at. He grabs some chapstick and goes over to the Cashier. The cashier asks "How can I help you?" The Duck hands over the Chapstick and tells the cashier, "Put this on my Bill..."

....thats it.

What is the difference between Jelly and Jam?

K that one was terrible...that episode was hilarious though, mostly hecause of the context of those two jokes.

Short joke? Just look down while you're taking a piss.

Actually, I know a person or two (both guys) that I could tell that second one to, I am known to tell a dirty joke once in a while.

Not sure that one really fits in with the forum rules.......

God I laughed way too hard at that.

dike Cheney's member.

You want short jokes? Look in my family's photo album.

A hurricane is not a tropical storm----it's Chuck Norris practicing his Kung-Fu outside.

They ask how does Superman shave---the same way Chuck Norris shaves his.

(Same shaving joke but different punch line)

They ask how does Superman shave his beard---he get's into a fight with Chuck Norris.

If you pull a gun on Chuck Norris, you already have lost.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself----and Chuck Norris.

I'm here all week folks .

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison

"Hermits have no peer pressure."
- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
- Steven Wright

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Steven Wright

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
- Steven Wright

Chuck Norris can make a Chuck Norris joke funny.

A college student went to his grandpa for help with a paper he was doing.

He said "Grandpa, I'm doing a paper on long lasting marriages and part of the paper is on arguments"

GP "Well me and your grandma have been together for 50 years, but we've only had one argument"

GS "50 years and only one argument? I find that hard to believe"

GP "Well let me tell you about it. You see we were on our honey moon in the Grand Canyon and we had rented 2 donkeys for a ride to the bottom. We had been riding for about 30 minutes when your grandma's donkey stumbled. She straightened up and said 'That's one.' I didnt think anything of it and on we continued. About another 30 minutes later it stumbled again. 'That's two.' she said, still not thinking anything of it we continued. Finally we reached the bottom and it stumbled one last time, nearly throwing her. 'Thats three!', she hopped down, pulled a pistol from her satchel and shot it dead. I jumped from my donkey and started to shout 'You crazy broad, what the hell do you think your doing!' she turned and looked at me and said 'That's one'."

I remembered this joke from a yahoo news post, but i couldn't remember which one so i googled it and, sure enough, there it http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80543542/.

A man says to his waiter, "Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy."

So, Sunday morning, the preacher says, "Anyone who gives $1,000.00 to the Church this morning gets their choice of 3 Hymns." A little old lady jumps up, waves her checkbook in the air and points while yelling, "I'll take him and him and him!"

:-D

K I totally ripped these from somewhere else but.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? FO DRIZZLE!
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because it has a silent pee.
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here”. Mushroom says, “why not? I’m a fungai!"
What did the little fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!