My dad's friend came over this evening. I answered the door and let him in. This is the conversation that followed.

Me: "Hey, how've you been?"
Him: "Hanging in there."
Me: "Aren't we all?"
Him: "Ugh, I'm tired."
Me: "Come on, now. It's only Monday."
Him: "I just spent the last three days at the hospital. My finacee is dying of cancer."
Me: "Oh....um...that svcks."

Really? That's how you're going to bring that up? Way to make me feel like an ass.

Anyone else have any experience where someone chose a horrible way to break bad/good news?

Did you actually say that?

Do people actually talk like that?

Like a skater from the 80s?


I'm just saying, but something a bit less rude like "I'm so sorry" might be in order. Saying "that svcks" like some petulant child is only going to make him want to headbutt you.

I do all the time. Its awesome, dude.

What exactly would be a good way to bring up the fact that your fiancee is dying of cancer? I think you may be missing the point, the guy needs some sympathy.

I love how his fiancee is dying of cancer yet he's the bad guy here in your eyes.

Turns, I figured it was because it was just such a shocking and awkward way of breaking the news.
No, I have never had an experience like yours.

What was rude is the way the news was dropped on him. I hate when people do that to me. its like, stop everything hold the presses nobody wants to hear about you! listen to what I am suffering with instead. Now, say things to make me feel better which I will ignore of course but say it anyway.

I mean, pretty obvious he was building up tension before dropping the cancer bomb. Uh is this really the time for dramatics?

Not that I can recall... Most likely though. Some people just wait to slip it into conversation or try to prompt you to ask why they are feeling down either because they are difficult, awkward, incapable of saying it outright if they dont feel comfortable, or they just want some one to want to ask them whats wrong before burdening them with bad news. Good news is always easier to talk about, though it can be seen as bragging I guess.

To clarify, it just seems that way to me I wasn't being an ass on purpose. But yes, I have been in situations similar to yours, but not quite as bad as someone dying.

I feel bad for the guy, I do. And I didn't say "that svcks". That's just an "and then we talked for a minute and I gave him my sympathies and whatnot".

I'm not trying to make him out to be the bad guy. I'm just saying that there are better ways of passing along that information than the bait-and-hook. I know he's going through hell, but it personally makes me feel like a dike because I was all cheerful going "Oh, c'mon buddy. It's only Monday, har har." I dunno. I'm not sure how I would have acted in that situation.

Just curious... but how would you have liked him to tell you the news? He isn't exactly your friend, he's your father's friend so I doubt you guys have deep conversations. And is he suppose to lie and be all "oh everything's great!" when you asked how he's doing?

I actually have these conversations with people more then I'd like to admit, especially with what I do. It's just the way people are sometimes. (Most recently, a friend of mine made a comment, I cracked a joke and he told me that his cancer was back. Just show them sympathy and get over your awkwardness, they aren't thinking you're a jerk because you tried to cheer them up without knowing the circumstances.)

Reminds me of a conversation I had at work. The typical "how are you" "good and you?" "good" conversation where neither party really cares, then one day I ask "how are you" "My son died last night" "..."

This. I've had to break bad news, and receive it in awkward/bad/awful as hell ways. Of course, I also understand where Spanky is coming from, when people just drop a huge bomb like "my wife is dying of cancer" just as you welcome them through the door, its awkward as hell. And like you said Naxos, he probably isn't very close to his dad's friend, in which case it would be even HARDER to sympathize.

But Spanky, I truly, dearly hope with every fiber of my being, that you didn't actually say "that svcks". If I told someone up close about my disease and its severity (crohns so bad it was put in a medical journal out of Cedar Sinai), I would literally curb-stomp your ass.

Believe me, I went through HELL and BACK for SIX YEARS. If someone just said "that svcks". Well, you get the idea. Sorry for the little rant, tons of pent up stuff right now.

Delivering news about someone how has died/is dying is a very hard task, especially if the person is still in shock about it.

It isn't that he was trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible, it is that he just doesn't know how to tell people.

He could use a few people to talk to, and I think he would take anybody to be honest.

Yesterday I was driving in my car, and I heard (my girlfriend will attest to this) "the Entertainment industry has lost two of its best. [viz.] Whitney Houston and Glen Campbell." So I instantly sent my Father a message that said "The Wichita Lineman has left the line" and he didn't know what to. It was an awkward quote, and because I misunderstood what the radio announcer was trying to say and he made me believe that Campbell had died.. Nevertheless:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qoymGCDYzU
Best country song of all time? Maybe. In any case, I heard this thinking that GC had passed, and I'm glad to hear that he hasn't. But on the radio would be a bad way to head it.

Me: Look, I have no problem with you dating other guys. Your a girl in high school, it's to be expected... just promise me you won't go with that weird creep, John Smith.

Best Friend: ...and would if it is John Smtih?

Me: Than I would pray for your well being every night, hahaha!.. hehe... hey, why do you ask?

Best Friend: Um...

Me: ....Oh....


This occurred approximately six hours after she broke up with me.

John Smith is a [censored] [censored] that doesn't know a damn thing about her, nor live here ....

I don't see any problem. I've had and have had to talk to people like that about some bad news. Though if they're a particualrily formal person where this might make a scene I'll say something more formal.

Well, there really is no "good" way to break bad news like that. Personally, I've had to be the bearer of bad news; and if anyone's ever figured out a really good way to do it, then they certainly hadn't told me by then.

In my case, when my father died suddenly; it was only myself and my younger brother that were around at the time. (This was 12 years ago, so it's not a fresh wound, I've done my grieving and went through all the stages long ago, so this isn't an attempt to make it all about me, just a personal example.) So, I was the one who had to call my Mother who was out of town, in the middle of the night; and I had to stay up all night long to wait for my sister to wake up in order to break the news.

Those were very "hard" things to do, sure. But at the time you're more in shock, and you just kind of do it, like ripping off a band-aid.

What was a lot more "difficult" in my case, was less than a month later I had to fly back to college. And there's just no organic way to work something like that into normal conversation. These were my friends, but they didn't know my Father, and it wasn't any sort of personal loss to them. But still, people were going to want to know why I wasn't acting normally.

What it came down to, was when people asked how my winter vacation was, I was simply honest with them. It served to kill a lot of conversations when I first got back, but I'm still not sure of any method to ease someone into something like that. And at the point - like I said, I'd already been through this with my own family and those personally affected by it. By that point, I just didn't have the emotional energy to be too terribly worried about sparing anyone else's feelings.

You do weird things when you grieve or are going through emotional trauma. There's no "correct" way to go about it. And in my experience, someone who's following all of the "stages" perfectly and without any big problems - that's just a sign that they're not actually dealing with it properly.

I can see why the OP was put off or taken off guard by something like that. But if you look at it from his point of view - he probably just didn't have it in him to worry too much about sparing anyone else's feelings by then.

For what it's worth, though - you can only spend so much time being depressed and being around depressed people. I was never offended by people being light-hearted, who didn't know my situation. And it was actually kind of refreshing to talk to someone in a normal manner.

Would it have been better or worse if the conversation had gone like this?

You: "Hey, how've you been?"
Him: "My fiancee is dying of cancer."

Funny, I didn't go through the stages. I had "resilience" which is another common way to deal with it. No, it isn't unhealthy. It's probably more common than you're aware.

I think you misunderstand what I was saying there.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I think a sense of perspective is needed here.

You mentioned stages, I assumed you meant the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model.

Yes. But my point of that part (insofar as a brief departure from the gist of the rest of my post) was that there is no "correct" form of grieving. The stages of grief are common patterns that people will in general experience, though they manifest in each individual in their own unique way.

Back on topic, people going through hardships like the OP's acquaintance generally have a lot going on at that time. And no matter what you do, there's not really going to be a way to deliver that sort of news that doesn't end up a little awkward.

And if there were, someone going through that is (understandably) not going to be best equipped to be overly worried about it at the time.

Yes but from the perspective of the person being told this, if you stand there and take like ten minutes to formulate a so called appropriate answer, you look like your trying to formulate an appropriate answer, i was in the emergency services and basically theres not a good answer, its a given thats its a bad thing its like stating the obvious, if you were propped up against the wall with your internal organs hanging out on the ground, and someone said, that must be annoying, well of course it is, there is nothing that hasnt been said before and having had to pass bad news onto people before in the past, theres no good way, theres no real text book way.

But yes dumping this on you and then expecting you to take up the slack, isnt the best way to get this across, but also alot of people arent really thinking that at the time, traumatic news is processed differently by different people, but it really is hard to have a well prepared speech for such occasions, when its sprung upon you, after way to many years of having freinds die for all sorts of reasons, ive seen collegues, that had a standard form answer to everyone, and it annoyed me, but there is no real simple way to say what is obvious, honestly if they had said that to me, all i could say is, its been said before, its bad, but i'll do my best to give you support.