What replies would you like to give to NPCs for their snide, sarky or plain annoying remarks! Here's a few to start the ball rolling. Excuse any misquotes !

Olfrid Battle-Born:
"Olfrid, patron of the great clan Battle-Born! A name I'm sure you know well."
" Clan Battle-Born....Clan Battle-Born. No sorry never heard of them. What are they? A circus troupe, a ballet company?"

Nazeem:
"Do you get to the Cloud District very often? What am I saying, of course you don't!"
"The Cloud District! The Cloud District ! My dear man No-one goes to the Cloud District nowadays! Personally I spend most of my free time at the Blue Palace, "comforting" Elisif in her grief. If you know what I mean!"

Random Guard:
"The Gods gave you two hands and you use them both for your weapon. I can respect that!"
" Erm. Thanks. But would you mind not looking over my shoulder when I'm taking a leak!"

Brynjolf:
"Never done an honest day's work for all that coin you carry. Eh Lass?"
"You calling me a prosttute, Jock?"

Lol !

"I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee."
"Oh really? Here, have a fireball to the knee as well."

Hail summoner, conjure me up a warm bed will you?

summons fire atronach

Here's somebody you might want to meet! Can't summon a bed, but this is the next best thing!

Whoa whoa whoa whoa...watch the magic!

Jarl B.'s kid in Whiterun
"Another adventurer here to lick my fathers boots, good job" ( might no be exactly those words)
" IF I wanted to svckup to your daddy, it wouldn't be his boot's I was licking" female character.

Any alchemist when you want to shop from them: "Ah, so you're an alchemist?"
Me (patiently explaining): "No, and that's why I'm buying your potions instead of making them myself. OK, I could be, but you shouldn't jump to conclusions."

Hermir: "Working in Windhelm is great! I get to see Ulfric up close."
My character Sigyn: "Honey, not as close as I saw him last night."

Frabbi at the Silver-Blood Inn, yelling at her husband when the PC sits down: "...Too lazy to bring him a drink yourself!"
Most of my characters: "HER! Bring her a drink. Look at me! I even have an armor with boobplates on. Now, try again: bring her a drink."

Vorstag: "Good morning!" (or "Good afternoon!")
Me: "Vorstag. Seriously. I've been here all the time. Sure, I told you to wait for a while, but I never even left your sight."

Old man outside the Winking Skeever (you know, the one who always swings a mug around): "Getting old is not so bad. Daughter keep me fed and my working days are done."
Me, sarcastic: "I'm sure your daughter loves to take care of her old, drunk father."

Vittoria Vici: *going on about her wedding*
Me: "I'm so sorry. If I had known you were the center of the world I obviously would have asked you about why you were so absent-minded so you could tell me all about your wedding plans. Honey, next time - if someone just passes you by and doesn't talk to you, it probably means they didn't even notice you were absent-minded, and they most likely don't give a [censored]ing s**t about your wedding."

And not exactly a reply, but when the fletcher in Solitude says "Maybe I'll be seeing more of you", something about the way he says it makes my characters want to check they they really have clothes on. Same thing with Belethor, when he says his "Do come back!"

"Your next mission is to reclaim Dawnstar, something we wouldn't have to do had you not given it away. I'll put you responsible for it.
"Dude, I'm the fudgin' Dragonborn. Did you want a ceasefire through the Dragon Break or not?"

Quite sure Ulfric told me something like this after Season Unending.

He does. My imaginary answer was something along the lines of "On the other hand, there's another hold we don't have to liberate because of the negotiation." (My character probably thought "you ungrateful moron", but knowing that other hold was Morthal and not Markarth, as Ulfric wanted, she shut up.)

The bad thing is, I got him Markarth in exchange for Dawnstar. That is is every way good for him, so why he's such a [censored] is beyond me.

Lol, they were pretty good.

I did a stupid thing today,That annoying battle born that ask you "gray mane or battle born" i choose gray mane :3 Then he says
I should bash your face after everything you have done!

*I should bash your face,And so i did. And he ran away,And i just told the guards,I am a thane. pwnd.

Another funny thing that happened to me before,Not a comeback but still funny.
A guard said "what is it? dragons?
And after he said that a dragon landed on riften market right in fron of him! x) i laughed when that happened,

Vittoria Vici:
If you're going to the Blue Palace, you might want to rethink that outfit you're wearing.
Yes, I thought the same thing but since you asked me to wear it to impress the Jarl for the benefit of your shop, I thought I'd go along just for the laugh. By the way, she told me she wouldn't be seen dead in your rags.

My response to most of Vittoria Vici comments:
I own several houses across several holds, I am Thane of several holds including this one and to cap it, I have enough gold to buy your crappy rag store a hundred times over just from pocket change. Now, what were you were saying?

"I used to be an adventurer like you but then I took an arrow to the knee."
I used to be coward like you but then I took a revelation to the head.

When you complete the assassins guild quests, a guard may say something like, "I know who you are but don't worry, I won't tell."
Yes, I'm the Thane of this god forsaken hell hole if you recall and I could just as easily have you thrown in prison, just remember that. As for anything else, a bad memory is a useful thing to have if you prefer your family jewels to remain attached.

On being given the Assassins guild quest to kill Vittoria on her wedding day.
This is probably the one quest I have done so far that I am going to enjoy more than anything else. At last, I don't have to hear her haughty comments any more.

Belethor: "Do come back."
I only come here to sell you junk and take your money, you condescending little jerk.

"But first tell me: Why's an Elf want to fight for Skyrim?"
"I thought she could use a hand."

"Do my men now let anyone wander the castle?"
"Yes. Clearly."

"There's nothing a man can do that I can't do better, whether it's serving drinks or slaying trolls."
"I don't know, love, I've done more than my fair share of trolling-slaying in my time."

You mean Thaarie, right? The owner of Radiant Raiment?

When she makes the "you might want to rethink your outfit" comment to my character a few months after she gave her those clothes to wear, I actually imagine her (Thaarie) add something about that the outfit my character's wearing is "SO last summer". (I hated Thaarie and Endaarie first, but now I find their snobbish fashionista style amusing )