as the title says, im looking for a console command or any other fancy trick that allows me to buy the windhelm house without touching the civil war

No such thing.

surely theres something that adds the subject to the steward or something else that triggers it?

Yeah, the quest stage, but to force the advancement to that point would break things.

well if it only breaks the civil war line thats fine, im not gonna do it anyway

I got that house long before doing any Civil War quests, you just need to help around town more as per the rest of the Citys.
Or are there two possible house choices in Windhelm?

you sure? i know you gotta do blood on the ice before you can get the house but i dont think the option to actually buy it opens up without doing the civil war, thats why i was looking for a console command.

Definatly got it before the war and I killed Ulfric during the war as well, the house is still mine.
Maybe try other quest for townsfolk like the White Phial and restoring the shipping company to it's former glory.

i tried that first, but no option to buy it yet and ive done all the quests i could find

Maybe because I had done the MQ up till and past the negotiation table stage perhaps, could be a side effect of that perhaps.
I maybe handed Ulfric a town he liked during that process and it upped my relationship rank with the Stromcloak faction.
In fact maybe try just upping your rank with them via the console to try it out.

yeah ill just try that, look up the right quest stages or something

not doing the mainquest on this character either so if that makes a difference it doesnt really matter