A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, "lived" a droid with the designation HK-47, or HK for short. Now, HK was a droid of many talents; he could translate any language (even Tusken), and loved to kill people in gruesome ways. Also, he had a bad ass orangey-red finish.
One day, HK was wandering about some planet, probably Coruscant, killing politicians, as assassin droids are apt to do. For some reason, HK's optics were malfunctioning, so everything was black and white, rather than the red he normally saw. Naturally, this angered HK, so there he was, picking off targets at 120 kilometers away, using his Aratech sniper rifle with a damn fine tri-light scope. Suddenly, a small portal appeared in front of him; the droid decided to play it safe, and threw a handful of thermal detonators into the magical warp hole. Instead of actually destroying the portal, the detonators seemed to expand the glowing orifice, and the portal quickly consumed the now pissed off droid.
Five days later, HK booted up to find himself in the midst of a colourful field; fifteen meters away, there was a rickety looking house, with a pair of legs sticking out from where the foundation would have been, had the house not been lying in the middle of a brightly coloured field of flowers. "Statement: I am not on Coruscant anymore," vocalized HK-47, "Observation: Perhaps this house can offer some clues as to where I have been disposed." As mentioned before, HK wasn't a stupid droid; as such, he removed two Mando Heavy Blasters from his thigh plating. Leveling the weapons, HK strode across the field, purposefully crushing the erect flowers beneath his metallic heels. Within a few seconds, HK had arrived at the dilapidated house, and smashed down the shoddily built door. As he did an awesome move consisting of a dive, roll, kneel, and aim your guns, HK noticed a lump on the bed. "Investigation: There appears to be a life form asleep on the bed. Statement: Perhaps this meatbag can tell me where I am."
HK holstered one of his Mando'a Heavy Blasters, and pointed the other at the top of the lump on the bed. The droid glided over to the bed, and pulled back the covers. "Observation: This meatbag is a female," HK began to vocalize, "Query: Female Meatbag, where am I?" As HK vocalized aloud, the female awoke with a start. She quickly began shrieking, as a country bumpkin like her had never seen something as freaking extreme as HK-47 before. Naturally, HK didn't want her wailing to alert any nearby enemies, so he quickly blaster-whipped her across the face. "Commentary: If you continue vocalizing so loudly, I will have to end your pitiful meatbag life," HK commented to the female, "Query: Where am I?" The female, now bruised awfully across her face, decided that in order to protect her "pitiful meatbag life," she would have to answer this odd metal man.
"Well, we're in Kansas, silly," she sniffled, "why, where'd you think we are?" HK pondered this for a brief moment; approximately a tenth of a second to a regular human. In all respects, the droid could have pondered much more quickly; he had considered killing the female in various ways for seventy five percent of that thought process. "Statement: Kansas? I've never heard of 'Kansas,'" HK leveled his Mando Heavy Blaster at the meatbag again, "Observation: There was a corpse lying under your house. Who is she?" The female meatbag looked as if she was about to shriek again; before she could, however, a small animal scampered into the room, and began to bark at HK very loudly.
Now, HK had asked the girl to be quiet; this animal was doing the exact opposite of that. "Statement: See you in hell, little furry meatbag." HK-47 punted the animal across the room; as the dog sailed lazily through the air, like a drunken butterfly, HK raised his Mando Heavy Blaster, and vaporized the canine before it hit the opposite wall.
The dog's ashes puffed against the wall just as the girl began to scream again. "Toto! No, not my little Toto," moaned the girl, "you monster, you killed him!" HK turned about, baffled at the girl's reaction. "This 'Toto' was making noise. He should have been quiet. Someone may be alerted to our presence," HK vocalized, "Observation: It would be easier to fight without you. Goodbye, meatbag. Perhaps you can join 'Toto' in hell." HK proceeded to vaporize the girl in the face, then left the down-trodden, corpse-ridden shack in search of some answers, or at least higher ground (better for shooting your enemies).
As he was walking out, HK's left foot brushed up against the crushed corpse; the droid decided to pause and see if he could find anything out from the corpse. "Observation: It appears that this meatbag was flattened by the house. This one appears to have shoes made out of ruby on her feet," HK noticed, "Observation: I can use her shoes to fix my broken optics." HK tried to pry the ruby shoes off of the rotting corpse's foot; sadly, they were firmly attached, almost as if someone had nailed them to the bone using railroad spikes. Naturally, HK wasn't having any of this [censored]; he set his Mando Heavy Blaster to the "Killpocalypse" setting, and evaporated the cadaver's legs, leaving the shoes unharmed.
The droid lifted the shoes off of the ground, and ejected a hand-span vibroblade from the sheath on his arm. HK quickly cut out optic-sized pieces from the shoes, and removed his currently faulty optic glass for the fresh ruby pieces. The droid soon regretted his action, however. "Observation: Why is this 'Kansas' so bright? It is like I am on Tatooine all over again," vocalized the droid loudly, "Pained Expression: Gaaaah!" The droid rapidly turned down the "Brightness" setting on his sensors, and soon became accustomed to the glow that essentially everything put off.
Looking down, HK noticed a path, covered in gold, for some odd reason. "Mockery: Gold? What sort of idiot covers his roads in gold? When you can use gold to buy weapons?" HK was baffled at the dumb-assery of this "Kansas" place. Suddenly, HK noticed a town had sprung up less than sixteen feet from the entrance of the dilapidated house. The droid, wary that the village's residents might have heard him, holstered his Mando Heavy Blasters, and pulled out his ACP/Array Scatter Gun (custom made by the Trandoshans) as he began to head into town.
Entering the crap-village, HK saw another female meatbag standing about in the center of town. The woman wore a pink dress, had a tiara, and carried some sort of scepter with her. "Hello, Good Sir," called out the woman, "why, you have the ruby slippers! That must mean that one of those evil witches is dead!" At her exclamation, a large group of miniscule people poured out of the various hovels that surrounded the town. They began to sing, praising HK as a hero to them all; some threw themselves upon the droid, begging to carry the hero's child, while others offered him foods and beverages as thanks. It appears that these meatbags are trying to get something from me, thought the droid, I'll have to kill them before they can try anything funny.
The droid raised his ACP/Array Scatter Gun, and pumped the slide on it, racking a shell into its chamber. In the .000000002 seconds it had taken the droid to do that, however, another person had magically appeared in the town square. Unlike the first woman, this one wore a ratty black dress, and had ugly green skin. The tiny people, meanwhile, had fled to the safety of their homes. "You! You have killed my sister, you dirty son of a [censored]! I'll get you good!" The green woman continued to rant; HK, having none of this garbage, decided to shoot the woman in the stomach area. The charged particles of the Scatter Gun's shell slammed into the green [censored]; she crumpled to the ground, and disappeared in a puff of smoke. "What have you done?" exclaimed Good Witch, "what was that?" HK ejected the shell from the ACP's chamber, and racked another into its place. Shouldering the Scatter Gun, HK turned to address the woman in pink. "I shot her."
"You 'shot' her?" "Affirmation: You are correct. Mockery: You are also less intelligent than a Gungan. I am leaving." HK started to leave the town; as he walked out, he remembered to take care of the little people before they could cause him any trouble. The orangey-red droid (now covered in the Evil Witch's blood) raised his left arm, activated the Thermal Detonator Grenade Launcher that was slung under it, and lobbed the explosives into seven of the town's key tactical structures. As he ran down the path, probably in search of another portal (but mostly to find more people to kill), HK heard the deafening blasts of the detonators, followed by the screams of hundreds of tiny, now-on-fire or impaled-by-shrapnel, meatbags wail through the night.
A few hours later, HK came upon a crossroads, surrounded by miles of what should have been cornfields. Strangely, the cornfields were covered in nothing but dirt, and what appeared to be straw. As he ran past, HK heard a voice calling out. "Heeeeeeeeeeeelp! The crows! They are everywhere!" HK put on the metaphorical brakes, and halted directly in front of a man, tied to a post. "Greeting: Hello, meatbag," HK greeted, "Query: Where can I find a portal?" The man looked at HK for a second before replying. "Gee, you sure look funny. How's about you help me down, buster?" HK gave the man a piercing gaze. "Answer: Negative. I will now kill you." The man looked shocked, at least as shocked as a straw man could muster. "Now wait just a minute here-" HK leaped the fence "wait a second, buddy-" HK's feet clanked as they landed upon the ground, and began to run towards the straw man's post "I was just foolin' around-" HK closed the distance between the two, and pressed his ACP/Array Scatter Gun against the idiot's head "I CAN TELL YOU WHERE TO FIND A PORTAL PLEASE DON'T KILL ME PLEASE!" HK's finger slowly moved away from the activation trigger of the Scatter Gun. "Query: Where is the portal, strawbag?"
The straw-man, having somehow urinated his pants, quickly began to reply. "Well, if you let me down from this post-" HK's finger returned to the activation trigger "Alright, alright, I'll tell you. Down the Yellow Brick Road, there's a city. Glowin' bright green, you can't miss it. Inside of the city is a man. He's a wizard... he might have a portal, back to wherever you came from." HK lowered his ACP/Array Scatter Gun, and magnetically attached it next to his Aratech sniper rifle, on his backplate. "Mockery: Oh, I'll wet myself, then try to bargain with my killer! Oh, I'll tell him about the magical wizard without negotiating at all!" HK ran a command to activate his ZX Miniature Flame Projector, located inside of his right forearm. The droid aimed the fire-thrower at the base of the post, and the weapon sprayed a wonderful, burning stream of death at the wooden post.
Leaving the flaming strawbag to his hellish demise, HK returned to the Golden Path, and started clanking down it again. Five miles later, HK found another crossroads; this one was surrounded by forests, instead of cornless cornfields and burning strawmen. An annoying "Mmmmmmmmph!" noise seemed to emanate from the left of the path. HK, thinking that the noise might be some sort of weapon, or possibly another information source, decided to search the forest. As he walked through the trees, he noticed a man standing still in the midst of a clearing. "Mmmmmmmmmmmph!" groaned the man, clearly motioning to the small oil can on a nearby stump. "Observation: A droid, apparently.... seems to be a lesser model than myself," HK vocalized with robotic distaste, "it must need this 'Oil' to function properly." HK retrieved the can, and dumped it over the man's head.
"Oh, thank you, thank you," moaned the man, a hint of pent up sixuality in his voice, "I jutht neeed to be covered in oil, or I'll rutht!" HK stared incredulously at the clearly broken droid. "Statement: Pain is the only means by which truth can be attained. Unless you wish to feel this pain, you had better answer me: How long is this Gold Path?" "Well, aren't you the bothy one," giggled the Tin Man, "howth about we take thith dithcuthion elthwere? Thomwere more.... intimate?" HK continued to stare incredulously at the Tin Man. "Observation: Your programming has clearly been corrupted by this 'Kansas' place. Continuation: Any information from you can't be trusted. Goodbye." HK started to run off; before leaving, however, he vaporized the can of oil, leaving the Tin Man to stay in his paralyzed, living hell.
Fifteen minutes later, HK found himself in an even more dense part of the forest. As he was walking along the path, he heard the patter of paws behind him. Being an expert assassin, HK decided to totally ventilate whomever was following him. He sped up a little bit, un-holstered his Droid's Assassin Rifle, leaped into the air, turned around, did this bad ass backwards roll, and slammed the stock of the gun into his shoulder. Aiming down the sights, he saw a mangy looking animal cowering a few feet away from him.
"Oh, you saw me! I was just trying to be preda-" HK shot the creature in the head. The disruptor shot from the Rifle tore through the beast's skin and meat, exploding the thing's cranium in a shower of bloody gore. The crater began to spray blood, staining the Yellow Brick Road a sickly reddish color.
As he took a moment to admire his work, HK noticed a shadow covered the width of the path. Gazing into the sky, HK saw what appeared to be a flying monkey. The creature swooped down next to HK, and after gorging itself on the headless corpse of the Dead Lion, began to speak to the droid. "OooOOOoOOOk!" shrieked the monkey, slapping its paws against the bloody Path. "Translation: You work for the green meatbag that I'd already killed. Apparently, she is still alive. She wants to see me." The monkey nodded in affirmation, and flew off into the sky. Taking off after the monkey, HK saw a castle in the distance; a few miles to the right of it, he noticed a glowing green city at the end of the Yellow Brick Road. "Observation: I don't have time for this. I'm going to that glowing green city, where the wizard is. Still, I should finish off this green meatbag before I leave."
HK zoomed off towards the green city; as he sped along the road, he spotted another field of flowers. "Observation: This 'Kansas' has far too many flowers." HK landed in the field, and trampled a few more of the pitiful red flowers on his way to the Glowing Green City. As he crashed through the door, he noted that everything was made of emeralds. "Mockery: Oh, yes, let's make everything we have out of precious jewels and metals! Ruby shoes, golden roads, emerald buildings! Why save our wealth to fund an army?" HK's servos grinded as he shook his head in disgust.
Looking off into the distances, HK noticed a large palace-type building that towered over every other structure in the city. "Observation: The wizard must be there. Perhaps he can return me to Coruscant...." A few minutes later, HK had arrived in the chambers of the Wizard of Kansas. Naturally, he'd killed quite a few people on his way there; they didn't want him to see the Wizard for some odd reason. Also, quite naturally, HK didn't use the front door; he went in the back. As he walked along, HK noticed a small, disheveled man eagerly pushing buttons on a console, panting heavily with the sixual fervor of a weird, button-pushing deviant. "Query: Are you the wizard? I need you to open a portal," HK queried, bringing up his Droid's Assassin Rifle to level at the man. "Egad! A mechanical man?!?!?!" shrieked the Wizard, leaping backwards five feet, or maybe four, and smashing his head on a low hanging chandelier, as is wont to happen with wizards sometimes.
HK was now quite pissed off at this land of idiots and fools. "Angered Mockery: Oh my! A mechanical man! I've never seen one of those before; then again, my parents are also slimy Selkath bastards, and I like to drink water from Manaan!" HK proceeded to shoot out both of the Wizard's kneecaps, using his sixy Droid's Assassin Rifle.
"Now, meatbag," HK vocalized, "you will open a portal for me, and I will leave this place. If you don't, I'll have to put you in a world of pain." The Wizard's eyes bulged, and because he was a pathetic weirdo, the Wizard quickly agreed, and pushed some buttons sixually to open another portal. As HK stepped inside the portal, he remembered the green meatbag, who he still had to kill. Popping his head out, HK confronted the Wizard, who was now shaking on the floor, crying, again. "Statement: Meatbag, as soon as I walk through, open another portal in the sky. Make it about 3.8 kilometers, both length and width wise." The Wizard nodded his head, and HK stepped through the portal.
Five seconds later, HK arrived exactly where he had been, probably Coruscant. Reaching a metallic hand up to the side of his head, HK activated his comms, patched himself in to a nearby Star Destroyer's communication array, and began to broadcast to the entire fleet. "Hailing local battle group," vocalized HK, masking his voice to match that of a higher ranking commander, "I'm calling out the order for a Base Delta Zero, repeat Base Delta Zero, through that glowing hole in the sky. Confirm orders for a Base Delta Zero?" The Star Destroyer rapidly pinged HK's comms back; indeed, the order had gone through. As the fleet flew into the portal, HK nodded his head, holstered his Droid's Assassin Rifle, and left to find some more people to kill.
HK-47 booted up, and found himself on a white table. Saws and power cutters were whirring above his head; HK reached out a hand, and snapped the various instruments apart. Standing up, he looked about the room. He wasn't on Coruscant, as he had previous thought; nor was he in 'Kansas.' As he looked around, he spotted a flash of bluish, slimy skin through a nearby window. "Statement: Selkath. Worse than a regular meatbag," HK stated as he scooped up his Droid's Assassin Rifle, which had been lying on the floor near the operating table.
Aiming down the sights, HK-47 fired into the window of the room; the disruption shots quickly blasted out the fragile glass, and the assassin droid dived through the window, rolled across the floor, and rammed his rifle into the Selkath's gaping mouth. "Query: Why am I here? What have you done?" The Selkath, with a mouthful of death, sputtered out its explanation to the angered droid. "So, you were flooding my behavior core with this false programming," HK-47 thought, "you were the one who put me in 'Kansas' huh? And it was all, to use a meatbag term, a dream."
HK-47 killed the Selkath, leaving its head nothing more than gory ribbons, holstered his Droid's Assassin Rifle, and left the watery hell of Manaan to have more interesting adventures elsewhere. Later, a bunch of lame droids tried to be as awesome as HK-47, but they just weren't. Even later, HK-47 might have actually ordered a Base Delta Zero somewhere; lets just say that it could have happened, and probably did. Because HK-47 is just that extreme.
» Sat May 28, 2011 11:31 pm 
