The only reason people don't commit crime is because of consequences.

The internet has no consequences so pretty much everyone here would offend and insult whenever they feel like it. Then people complain that they are trying to make the internet less anonymous, sure.

Well, unfortunately I have to agree with the commentator about your short story. And, yes, I read it.

As I read the story, I grew more and more annoyed at the, yes, whiny nature of the story's protagonist. If he can even be called that. All he did was complain to his diary and become frustrated at his inability to write a decent story or make money off of it. At the end of the story the protagonist clearly seemed to me that he was suffering from some sort of mental disorder - my guess would be Narcissistic Personality Disorder (since we're dealing with a fictional character, I feel free to psychoanolyze to my heart's content). The protagonist's fantasizing about his fictional character, Twil, became grating in only a few pages (rather impressive, considering the length of the story itself). It's little wonder that the protagonist's creative writing group dislikes her - it's obvious that the protagonist is fixated on her to the point of driving everyone else around him away, including his girlfriend.

The story never goes anywhere - all we get are snippets of other scenes, which are invariably taken over by the protagonist's daydreaming about his character, thus making those snippets narratively useless aside from changing the window dressing. Nothing is ever explored outside of a few scant words about where the protagonist is and maybe another potential character (such as the man behind bars in a nice suit) but who is never fleshed out at all - instead all we get is the protagonist's frustration at his own (rather pathetic) life and escapism. The ending to the story, aside from provoking my response about the protagonist suffering from a mental disorder, could have also made a good jump into a longer story that explored the difficulty of discerning what is reality and what is fiction - with Twil (much as I grew to dislike her) acting as a kind of spirit medium / mental fabrication by which the protagonist either descends into or breaks free from the disarray of his own conscious and subconscious mind.

Yes I was arguing starwars lore had to do with the color of a sith's or jedi lightsaber. This person was completely ignoring the fact that not all sith used red and not all jedi used blue or green to justify his reason why players in the upcoming KOTORMMO shouldn't have a vast choice in lightsaber colors. I mean I was arguing over star wars lore why should I care what people think about the lore if it is important or not.

First of all, I suppose it was nice of those of you to chime in how you felt about the review though you hadn't read the story. Unfortunately, it was entirely self-indulgent on all your parts. The review was totally off topic. So, he didn't like the story -- fine. Was all the unsolicited advice necessary? No. Especially if the reviewer had read literally anything else written by our friend Surfer here.

Secondly -- they actually do give you a refund if you hate something you've bought. If he had "paid real moniez" for something he couldn't stand, he could've just got his money back and gone on his merry e-way.

How many diaries have a plot? Someone, quick, go and post a scathing review for how Anne Frank's diary was whiny and had no direction!! -- Seriously? If you ask me, I'd say that's just a testament to Surfer's talent, that he's actually written it so well that you think it's been written by someone and you're really reading about one week of his life. Have none of you ever watched a movie by the Coen brothers? Man...

It's called a critique. The author doesn't get to say who can and cannot critique their work. Was it possibly harsh? Sure. Was it unsolicited? Yes. Does that make it totally irrelevant? No.

Unfortunately this point is moot since Anne Frank's diary was real and written by a 13-15 year old girl. Secondly, no one really stated how realistic they felt the story was - I for one thought it completely unrealistic, if so-called "realism" was the point. Third, the OP's "diary" is a work of fiction and is intended to chronicle a story - but it doesn't really go very far with its plot except to have the protagonist complain about his writing ability and obsess over his "muse", Twil.

He's just giving you advice, and criticizing you. I don't see any "attacks" or "insults." He's just giving you the blunt truth.

All fair points since they are your opinion.Considering the title of this thread however, I am surprised you feel the need to be this way about it.The thread is not asking for a review, it is asking why people on the internet love to say negative things.Why then, would one proceed to do the very thing the OP is annoyed about?

OP I realize that you have skin thick enough to take the unnecessarily cruel review you showed us, so I can only say that I do think it was a dike move on the reviewers part.Go ahead and answer the challenge if you can.Write a story that is harder to snipe at.

Yep, happens to me from time to time, or rather most of the time on Youtube. But it's to be expected there, if you post singing videos people seem to expect something..especially if it's a cover and you can't really fault them for that. They want you to hit every note and octave that the original singer hit it seems. I don't mind when people critique me though and a few do but most are along the lines of you svck or you're bad and I expect that from YouTube so it doesn't get me down really.

I wasn't talking about the person who wrote the critique, I was talking about the people who in this thread were all "oh I didn't read it but it seems legit." No, the critique was not legit, it was off topic and didn't offer any real constructive suggestions. It was a ramble and didn't stick to simply commenting on what he didn't like about the story and instead went on to take a personal attack on the writer. That's not a critique, that's a waste of e-space.

A plot only needs a beginning, a middle, and an end. "Diary" wasn't an epic full-length novel, no. It didn't have a lot of symbolism, no, it didn't have a really deep, compelling, action filled plot line...it was ritten as though a normal guy, who works a normal job, with a hobby that is unfulfilling, and it comes to a head when his girlfriend demands more and he tells her he won't choose. Will it become a series on HBO? No. Would it perhaps be more appropriate in a collection of short stories, rather than a stand-alone? Maybe. Its delivery method is solid. Seriously, have none of you read someone's diary? You try and tell me where the over-arching plot and the epic, deep characters are.

Obviously, you're going to like it or not like it, and as the reader that is your prerogative. You think the protagonist is whiny, and he's in loe with a fictional character in his head -- I personally think that's a little pathetic, myself. Does that warrant some kind of personal attack on the author? Of course not. Should people who haven't read it comment on it? No, not really.

There's no epic characters, but there's personality. I'm with Reneer, I found the author's voice boring.

My brother is seeing a psychiatrist because he can't cope with being a teenager. He has to keep journal entries for it. My mom likes to sneak looks at them, and she read one to me much to my disinterest. It sounded a lot like the "protagonist" of this short story. It was just repetition of a theme, in different time frames and contexts. There was little to no variation. Unlike the protagonist of the story, though, my brother got across the point that he was conflicted. I didn't get that sense from the short story. There wasn't enough conflict. Others' reactions to the protagonist's obsession are glazed over. The protagonist himself seems more annoyed at the situation than genuinely concerned. The ending just appeared and was forgotten. It felt dry. Perhaps the author intended it to be that way, but it doesn't make for a compelling read. Even if it was the intent, it should show through the protagonist's writing. It doesn't do that, either.

There's two solid ways to approach a story like this. Either you turn the protagonist into a tragic character by emphasizing how the obsession is affecting his day-to-day life and the people around him, or you turn him into an unsympathetic characters whose obsession runs so deep that he doesn't even realize it's a bad thing. I'll use the first page as an example of both.

From the beginning you get description with no substance. We know the netbook is his girlfriend's. That's good. Use that later. It's a nice detail. He's as reliant, in a way, on his girlfriend as he is his muse. Let him know that, or suspect it even if he doesn't write it down. The weather and humidity, that's not important as it is. If you want to turn him into a tragic character, use that detail. It's not humid, it's stifling and heavy. Drop Twil's name immediately after that. Explain the situation. If he's tragic, he's pouring his heart out onto the page about it. This obsession hurts him, everything around him reminds him of Twil and he hates it. It's been a few hours since I read the story through, so I don't even know if the cat appears later. Use every detail. If it's not important to the character's voice, it doesn't belong in a journal story. When you go on to describe Twil, explain the author's feelings about her. You've described what she looks like, a little bit of why, and a reader's typical reaction. What's his reaction? Why does he keep using her? Does he even know? What does he like or hate about her? Does he see himself in her? The story isn't about her, it's about him using her.

In the other direction, everything still reminds the protagonist of Twil, and everything you should describe relates to her, but he doesn't even notice. It's unconscious. The weather reminds him of Twil. The cat reminds him of Twil (maybe he calls the cat Twil!) Even Lindsey's netbook reminds him of Twil, and by extension Lindsey herself. He describes everyone in relation to Twil. They'd get along, they both have this same quirk, they look alike, they dress alike, etc. In this style, you could expand on the description of Twil. Rather than focus on the protagonist's feelings about her, focus on her and what's so great about her. You can let some of the protagonist's personality come through in this, too. She'd be his ideal woman, and that would speak good or ill of him. She's everything he wants to be, or be with.

Normal people are boring. No one wants to read a story about a normal person.

I'm not bothered enough to read and assess the rest all over again. To be blunt, it didn't interest me enough to think much about the first time around. Sorry

What?

The critique in the OP contains no personal attacks, clearly explained what he didn't like (lack of urgency, underdeveloped plot, static characters, lack of description, and an underdeveloped setting), then he offers some suggested reading and some advice. The only thing the commenter criticizes about the author is his writing skill. That's kinda fair game when criticizing a story.


You're projecting. Those commenters aren't expecting anything of excellent quality when they're flipping through youtube. When they see videos of an (I assume) amateur singer, and they have a comment box, they just give their reaction. People express negative reactions for reasons other than anger or a desire to make you feel bad. Sometimes, its just because they had a negative reaction, and feel like sharing their thoughts.

Well, I read it, and I feel that the review, though caustic, was pretty much accurate.



Dracula was largely epistolary, as was The Colour Purple, House of Leaves etc. and they definitely had plots, despite being mostly letters and diaries. It's all very well making something realistic, but creativity has to at least make it interesting if you're going to publish it. Otherwise you're just saying "here, read this random stuff I wrote".

Because, in order to provide a decent idea of the "why" behind that commentator's review, I had to at least know what the story he was referring to was all about. To see if that commentator was in fact, in my own view, right or wrong about their opinion of the piece. And I found myself agreeing with that commentator, in spirit if not in words, about his opinion of the OP's story.

And, yes, the thread is "asking" for a review because the OP posts about a review someone gave his story. The majority of people here instead simply talked about how people on the Internet hide behind anonymity, are trolls, etc. Few took the time to read what the OP wrote to determine if what the so-called "troll" was saying was actually legitimate or not. I decided to go through the effort of reading the story to find out if what the "troll" had written was actually a sensible opinion. And since I had gone through all that trouble, I decided to at least post my own opinion of the story.

Agreed, attacking the author is not good.

At least in a real diary there is more plot. All that happened in the "Diary" story was the protagonist bemoaning his lack of getting a story published / making money, interspersed with small moments of the outside world which quickly segued back, sometimes rather abruptly, into the protagonist's obsession with his muse. If we go by the criteria of "Does this look like a diary?" then yes, gold stars all around. If we go by the criteria of "Does this read like a diary?" then more gold stars. If we go by the criteria of "Is this a good story?" then I'd have to say "so-so." The plot keeps running around in circles, coming back to the same issue again and again: Twil and the protagonist's obsession with her, but the plot never took that obsession and ran with it. The girlfriend issues in the last page or so of the story hint at something, but it's basically a throw-away ending where the protagonist is being horribly self-centered and throwing away his real girlfriend for his fictional one.

Agreed on both counts.

Thanks. I'm definitely looking forward to writing a new book. And if you're intrigued - and how could you not be after so many glowing reviews - Twil inspired me to write http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1195058-pretty-noose/ - a Fallout NV fanfic on this site.

@Reneer: I appreciate your thoughts. It's a character study, you may or may not enjoy that, and you're entitled to hate the main character. I was actually kind of pleased to read your comment "Is this a good story? I'd have to say "so-so" considering that particular reviewer gave it one star. You seemed to be a little more intrigued by it than he/she was

I was just surprised by the review's overtly hostile tone. I thought the title "Diary of a Dead Story" and the slew of little pet names at the end were a tad obnoxious - not to mention his attack on all independently published authors. Just seems like he had a previous axe to grind. All the critiques/reviews offered here have been civil and story-based so thanks.

I get ripped apart all the time on an anonymous video game imageboard :wink_smile: for not being anonymous, as well as being a Skyrim fan. :wink_smile:

lolwut? Good heavens. :rolleyes: Are we not allowed to discuss the nature of criticism, which is what some of us were doing? The thread is about being ripped apart on the internet.

I've only ripped apart one person over the internet, and felt so bad about it afterward that I had to go back and apologize. :cryvaultboy:

My apology was a large paragraph, whereas my comments were barely sentences. :sadvaultboy:

Before I retired, I spent several decades in the publishing industry.... Other than the poor grammar the reviewer used, this wouldn't even rank in the top 100 most scathing reviews I've seen and participated in personally. Trust me, some of the in-house meetings with authors who weren't pulling the workload weren't much more than grown men in suits spouting variations on "IZ GAY... SUX... TOO LONG DIDNT READ"....

Like I stated before, anyone who is writing and NOT getting negative reviews is NOT writing enough. And on the internet of all places? Even the greatest artists and authors of all time find themselves getting shredded on the interwebs....

BTW... I've read the story since my first post... Although the reviewer didn't make any effort to be gentle, he wasn't that far off base... His recommendations for reading might not fall into the same genre as your story but do the job with their characters and subject matter in a far more effecient and entertaining way.

Ha, in one of my LittleBigPlanet levels that gained a modest level of popularity, from what I gather the few negative comments there were were aimed at the control scheme. But it was hard to refine it when the only feedback was that the controls were "gay".