[Jack Bryan]

Pretty simple. Heard a good joke? Heard a lame joke? Post it here, for all the world to snicker at.

Warning: Don't post "dirty" jokes - its a T-Rated Forum - or so I am told.

***

A man and woman are driving down a lonely country road. They're going to marry each other the next morning and are madly in love. All of a sudden, their car veers of the road, and they both die in the resulting crash.

Soon, both of them float up to the pearly gates of heaven. There, they are met by a magnificent angel.

The man says to the angel. "We were about to get married, back on Earth. Even though we're dead now, can we get married in heaven?"

The angel furrows his angelic brow and says. "I actually don't know. No one has ever asked me that. Let me check for you. I'll be back."

With that, the angel opens the pearly gates, and disappears into heaven.

The angel is gone for what seems like an eternity, but the couple patiently wait outside, laughing, talking, and keeping each other company.

Finally, the angel emerges from heaven. He walks up to the couple and says, "Well I checked, and yes, you can get married in heaven."

The man and woman exchange a glance and the woman sheepishly says, "We've been talking while you were gone, and we're curious - could we get a divorce in heaven if we wanted one?"

The angel scowls at the couple and says, "It took me three days to find a priest up here, and now you expect me to find a LAWYER!?!"

[Dj Matty P]

A man visits his GP and asks for help, as his hands will not stop shaking.
"Do you drink a lot?" asks the doctor.
"Not really, I spill most of it."

[Carolyne Bolt]

Helvetica walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type, here."

[Juan Suarez]

I'll get your coats.

[roxanna matoorah]

What's the internet's favorite animal?
The Lynx.

[Tanya]

A man walks up to a another man sitting on a bench.

The man asks the sitting man "What time is is?"

The sitting man replies "Time to get a watch."

---

Comedy gold, I know. I made that one myself.

[Nathan Maughan]

Supercollider?! I hardly know 'er!

[Nicole Coucopoulos]

No one has started with the viola jokes? No high school orchestra nerds?

What's the range of a viola?

Spoiler

As far as you can throw it.

How do you get two violas to play in time?

Spoiler

Shoot one.

What is the definition of "perfect pitch"?

Spoiler

Tossing it into the dumpster without hitting the rim.

And so on...

[lucile]

...so the priest says to the Rabbi:

"For one, that's a thermos, and second, I really don't think it's s'pose to be used in that fashion..."



I enjoy punch lines more than the jokes themselves :biggrin:

[Tamara Dost]

Two blokes go into a pub.

Well, I say two. But this is supposed to be a three bloke joke. So they had a couple of ales and ploughmans to wait for the third bloke.

After a while, a woman walks up and says, "Maybe I can help."

One bloke replies: "Sorry, this is a three bloke joke. Two man and a woman wouldn't really work out."

Then woman says, "Actually, I am a bloke. I'm just waiting for a transvestite innuendo routine that hasn't shown up yet."

So the blokes go "Oh, thank you," and they start the joke.

So: three blokes go into a pub.

Well, I say three. One's actually dressed as a woman, but he's actually a man underneath, so we're alright on paper.

So they go into the pub and who shall they run into but the bloke that was supposed to be in the joke in the first place.

The two blokes go "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you for half an hour!"

The late bloke apologisis: "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in a shaggy dog story. The guy milked it and I couldn't get out of it!" Then he sees the woman. "Who's this woman?"

"She had to fill in for you because you were late!"

And the late bloke says, "You're not going to kick me out of the joke are you? I've been doing the third bloke in the three-blokes-go-into-a-pub joke for 20 years!"

The two blokes says, "Yes, we are kicking you out. Now sit down and shut up!"

So the first bloke goes up to the bar. The late bloke starts heckling him. He shouts out: "HEARD IT!!"

The first bloke says "Well of COURSE you've heard it! You've beenn doing the joke for 20 years!"

At this point the late bloke pulls out a gun.

"Right! I'm hijacking this old routine! I'm taking us on a surrealist ramble!"

The second bloke says "You idiot! By pulling out that gun, you've already taken us on a surrealist ramble! You're taking us to where we already are! We're now trapped! We're in Gibb's Paradox! We're in a self-defeating two-dimensional continuum from which we can no longer justify our existence!"

And as they said that, they started to melt away and their words faded into a delicate hanging cadence...




The old jokes are always the best, aren't they?

[Elle H]

I know a lot of you know this, but ask whichever Mr Handy you have in FO3 (tenpenny or megaton) to tell you a joke, and prepare to hear bad comedy gold.

My favorite: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Jerry Jr. Ortiz]

I know a lot of you know this, but ask whichever Mr Handy you have in FO3 (tenpenny or megaton) to tell you a joke, and prepare to hear bad comedy gold.

My favorite: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

"War is not about who is right, only who is left."

[Bethany Short]

I know a lot of you know this, but ask whichever Mr Handy you have in FO3 (tenpenny or megaton) to tell you a joke, and prepare to hear bad comedy gold.

My favorite: Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

'Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.'

[Spooky Angel]

Ahem.

A man walks into a bar.
It hurts.

Commence applause.

[Danger Mouse]

A pregnant woman goes into labour. She is accompanied by her husband at the hospital. The doctor says to the husband that there is an experimental machine that will allow a father to feel the pain of child birth. The husband agrees to give it a try.

The doctor turns the machine on at 1% and suggests that even at such a low percentage, there should be considerable pain. The husband is surprised that he feels nothing.

The doctor turns the machine up to 5% and warns that the father should feel very intense pain. The husband claims still to feel nothing.

The doctor turns the machine up to 10% and warns that there should be excruciating pain. The husband again feels nothing.

Finally, becoming impatient, the doctor cranks the machine to 100%. The husband doesn't feel a thing. The doctor turns the machine off and concludes the machine simply doesn't work.

The couple return home the next day with their newborn child and find the mail man lying dead on the doorstep.

[Eilidh Brian]

Ahem.

A man walks into a bar.
It hurts.

Commence applause.

http://www.profilebrand.com/funny-pictures/category/people/538_applause.gif