Steel your nerves, for this is a fairly lengthy post. I figured after seeing http://www.gamesas.com/index.php?/topic/1215192-i-cant-decide-what-to-do-with-my-life/ (I promise I'll give my two cents to you sometime today, Seti) that I may as well rant about my life too. Oh what times we live in, that I'm asking forum members for advice - well, at least Bethesda fans are a pretty unique bunch: well-spoken and pretty diverse in their interests and walks of life. I'm sure there's even a few younger people on this forum who are in a similar situation as I am. But anyway, let me begin.
I was born eighteen years ago. For sixty-five years I've served as Tamriel's emperor. But for all these years, I still don't know what to do with my life. Now this ordinarily isn't a big deal, quite the contrary in that our society seems to have come to embrace the notion of sending clueless kids into college with the intent of finding a major that fancies them along the way, as opposed to planning their lives in advance by running family businesses or becoming apprentices as we used to. Let me tell you a bit about myself.
As a child, I have always enjoyed fiction, fantasy and history - whether within the quiet and reserved context of History Channel documentaries or Disney movies (Hunchback of Notre Dame is easily my favorite stylistically and thematically). I've always loved the worlds portrayed and used to wish I could live in those times. Indeed, my strongest academic subjects are the humanities: history and English I have consistently enjoyed all my life, both as hobbies and as classes. I love the hands-on, speculative nature of these subjects, how they give you so much creative and anolytical freedom. Some people don't see the enjoyment to be found in forming your own theories about things like how Islamic views towards filial piety affected Neo-Confucianism in China. I do, but conversely I have virtually no interest in math and science (unless they're very directly applied, like physics).
I've been told time and time again that I'd make a good archaeologist, anthropologist, curator, something of the sort. I could definitely fancy a nice job in a museum, helping to date and sort pieces. Everything about the past fascinates me, to the point it's almost a childishly nostalgic, Holden Caulfield-esque obsession. Some of the more trivial examples? I love the handpainted backgrounds of old cartoons, old boxy-framed cars, EGA 16-color computer games, what have you. Even the old Windows 9x icons, I felt, had more character and descriptiveness about them than the increasingly glossy, gradient-filled icons that have been plaguing the Windows OS since XP and now well into 7.
What's wrong with history, then? I don't know - I'm not a big academics person and I don't think I could ever commit myself to a job in history. One typically requires a master's or Ph.D in order to attain safe employment, but I don't want to teach either. Unless you nab some nice government contract or a consulting job, you're going to be spending a lot of time sitting around some university using their funding for your own research. I like to be my own boss and keep my options open, something I really don't think I'd be able to maintain if I had to fall back to becoming a professor.
I also have an interest in graphic design and website design, the former of which I've done a lot for my school over the years. I was assistant and later chief editor of our high school newspaper's layout in the last two years, and I really enjoy designing things like posters, logos, what have you. I really enjoyed working on the school's paper, just hanging out, throwing ideas around with one another and improvising with everything. A productive and creative atmosphere to work in, one I truly reveled in. I don't consider myself very good though, and whilst I do want to do some intern stuff whilst in college in this field, I don't know if it's right for me as a longtime career. My dad is a photo retoucher and graphic designer, and as much as I share his passion, I have the problem of questioning myself and my abilities all the time. More of a major character flaw in general than something that only matters for certain professions, but still.
This is where things get particularly confusing. I've also had a huge passion for game design since I was a child. I've done a lot of game modding, particularly level design and texture artwork. Unfortunately, I seldom get anything done - admittedly suffering from a bit of an inferiority complex, it won't be long before I decide to completely scrap a map for whatever reason. I'll often imagine a TES mod fully complete, or imagine one totally cool room in a Half-Life map, but then anywhere from an hour to weeks into development I'll realize I just have nothing else to work with to create the rest of the project. And then I scrap it.
Here's an anology that only some gaming veterans who've really been in tune with the developers over the years will get. I think of myself a lot like Ken Rolston or John Romero - a visionary, who likes to do a bit of anything and everything and thinks about the final product, but often gets in over his head. I've had so many ambitious ideas for games, but I never get far with them. And I don't know what part of game design I'm best at - I can do everything but program, which kind of svcks because it means I can't really entertain any of my ideas. I'd love to just start out small with some Flash or Java games to play around in, but this far down the line I'm not sure if it's really worth it to teach myself programming. As stated, I definitely am more of a theory sort of person when it comes to design, not a technical "this is how it has to be" sort. I think I'd be really good at writing or world design - focusing on the big picture, how the story or factions play out, how a city is designed and the history behind its architecture. There's a lot of lore-heavy games I've wanted to make, but unless I resort to something like Game Maker I can't exactly go it alone. There's one story in particular I've been gradually fomenting in the back of my head, that I definitely want to make into an adventure game someday. Think something like Tintin or the adventurous radio serials of the 1920s. You know who I'd like to be like, sometimes? Yahtzee Croshaw. Someone who just kind of gets to do a bit of everything in designing games. Adventure and role-playing games are certainly my favorite genres, I'll tell you that. I'm pretty fond of writing, and as far as raw statistics go, well, SAT Writing 780. :spotted owl:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1244212/RPIFolio/index.html It's also the only website I've ever technically "finished", even though it's lacking some images and full of placeholders at that. I know the ins and outs of HTML/CSS/PHP, but I have virtually no incentive to use them unfortunately. I'm redesigning a non profit organization's website for a friend this month, but I don't know how well that'll go. I need to work on aesthetics for sure.
That's really all I have to say, I've kind of just spilled my heart out here and now I kind of feel awkward about everything I've complained about. But I don't know where to go from here - I've considered simply keeping all the design stuff as a hobby, of course - most game developers start out that way. However, I don't know what to do for college. I was thinking of becoming an English major possibly, since I'd have a lot of freedom in what to work in. Too bad they get such a bad rep. I was thinking it'd be cool, somewhere down the line, to start my own printing/publishing business or something of the sort. Something on a local level, that's both involved and fulfilling to my want to play around with different aspects of design. I definitely want to play it safe though, to a degree. The fact my parents are baby boomers doesn't help much as my dad is pushing into his mid 60's. I want to be well-established, for my parents to be proud of me. Not go the way of some Bohemian hipster designer who's living in between social security checks. It's far too late for that. :bonk:
Anyway, this is a mouthful, perhaps too much so for a college freshman to have cogitated on his own. I just feel so uncertain sometimes about which of my hobbies are just hobbies and which I'm meant to turn into careers - I tell myself that within the structured and constructive context of schooling, I can definitely become more productive and prideful of my hobbies. Working on projects with deadlines and with peers/instructors who can help you out and motivate you is a lot different from brooding alone in your room, getting existential about the nature of your work and ways in which it just may not be worth it.
Has anybody else ever felt this torn before? Especially between hobbies of such relatively disconnected careers. I'm an INTP if that helps at all in generalizing my personality, but a general response is definitely not the sort of answer I'm seeking. Come on non-programming designer folk, I know you're out there. :stare:
» Tue Dec 06, 2011 8:27 am 
