Update: This actually ended up being a lot easier than I had expected after I scrapped the bacon, only took around an hour for total prep+cooking, and most of that time was spent staring blankly at the piles of food before me wondering exactly what the [censored] to do. Ended up with a lot of leftovers, I think that most of my family didn't really like the Churizo, because people didn't eat a lot of eggs. The hash browns basically saved me, thanks for the suggestion Wyatt
Hash brown made from fresh potatoes: One large potato per person should be sufficient. I grate them, drain the potatoes in a sieve, press out the water, and use a little olive oil so they don't stick to the pan. Season with salt, pepper, and a little crumbled dried green onion.
Basically did that for the hash browns, minus the crumbled onion. I assumed that when I was told I had to cook today (mom's birthday, btw), it meant I was going to be the only person making food, but most of my family brought a side dish, so I made way more food than I had too :dry:
Overall, I'm hoping I never have to cook food in the foreseeable future.