» Wed May 30, 2012 12:45 am It is obvious if you want to be a town guard you must meet the following qualifications.
*Be sure to counterdict your words. When an adventure walks passed you say, “Could you sharpen my blade? Dull old thing could barely cut butter.” (Now it is clear there is no butter in Tamerial, so it must be the guard’s future food invention). Then when the same adventure turns to walk the other way you say, “If I find your hand in my pocket I am going to cut it off.”
*You must have taken an arrow to the knee at least once. Companions, dogs and horses, do not count. All guards lived through the pain and became very successful in their careers.
*Tell the adventure, “When a dragon attacks, will be ready to take them down.” When a dragon does attack, you die 30 seconds into the fight.
*When the adventure runs into town because he or she needs help in killing something, make sure to do your duty and stand there watching, while the enemy turns
and mauls to death a citizen of the city.
*Make sure to talk ALL the time, even if it is the same thing. It does not matter if you think they are not listening-they are.
*You have the ability to know exactly what the adventure is skilled in. Let them know your thoughts on their skills, there just dying to care!
*Automatically know what faction the adventure is in or associated with, this is important. If a person walks into a city wearing robes, it is not because there poor and cannot afford good armor yet, oh no, obviously there in the College.
*Be sure to complain that too many citizens have reported their sweet rolls stolen. Those Bandits are becoming more crafty and daring.
*Applying female guards must all sound alike they are from Jamaica. Applying male guards must sound like a poor Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation.
*You have the uncanny ability of foresight. You are able to see the adventure wiping out a cave full of witches or even clear, a dungeon filled with bears. Even if the adventure is behind a tree in the middle of the woods doing their business we must see this and must let them know we saw it.
*If an adventure is an alchemist, be sure to ask them to make you some mead, even though your on duty.
*Be sure to make wise cracks even if they do not make sense or sense months or even a year later. For example, if an adventure joins The Companions, be sure to ask them if they fetch the mead. Even though the Companions have plenty within their walls. If they so happen to become the “leader” of the place, keep using the same wise crack, it has to be still funny, right?
*You are in the Dark Brotherhood, even though the adventure is aware you are not. Say it anyways! They'll think your coolest guard in Skyrim! Don't forget to say "Hail, Sithis." They love it!
*Sleep in your armor. Yeah it can be uncomfortable, but we need to be up and ready to make comments or mock that adventure-cannot be late for that!
(The guards are just not even fun to kill in this game, there so annoying there not worth the time).
