If you like RPGs like Skyrim, then you've probably picked up a fair amount of useless magical items. These ones that follow are made up, but feel free to add the most useless RPG item you've ever found.


Helm of Darkness - A Helmet that completely covers the wearers eyes.

An arrow of location: When suspended on a string, the arrow will always point to the person holding the string.

Statue of Swimming: You can swim at twice your normal speed so long as you carry this 900-pound statue with you.

Potion of Air Breathing.

Parachute of Speed - When used (you know, as a parachute), it increases the speed of its user by a factor of a hundred.

Boomerang Arrows+3: You will never run out of these magic arrows. You will never be able to run away from them, either.

Monkey's Pen: When placed on a blank scroll, this magical quill will tell you just what's going through the mind of a random monkey on the planet.

Boulder of Smiting: A 500lb granite boulder that, when thrown, hits someone *exactly* like a 500lb granite boulder.

Underwear of Binding

Wand of Squirrel Summoning: Summons a squirrel. Not a magical, talking, elemental or undead squirrel - just a single red squirrel. Successful luck roll also summons an acorn. Nothing else. Move along now.

You'll probably know where I can find that Potent Poison of Poisonous Poison

As I said before, The Annoying Fan

http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Morrowind:Pemenie_and_the_Boots_of_Blinding_Speed from Morrowind

Sword of Gourmet- Increases Cooking by 30 points on strike.
Badass Axe of Deception- Massive magical chainsaw axe... in the owners head. In reality, a bent fork.
Dagger of Magnetism- causes the compass to spin pointlessly.

You realize that you can overcome the blindness effect with magic resistance, right?

Poison of invisibility. Just hit your enemy with it then spend ages trying to find them again.

Ooh, ooh, http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Morrowind:A_Falling_Wizard also from Morrwind, now that one was funny:P

I played an Altmer with The Apprentice birthsign - there was not enough magic resistance in the world for me:P Besides, what's fun in that? Almost feels like exploiting a game glitch to me.

Hmm... The Deadly Sickamore Stick- Poisons you constantly and drops all your attributes significantly with a 50% cahnce to instakill an enemy and a 50% chance to kill you on strike

completely fictional mind you but I'm surprised there aren't more things like this in most games.

There should be a "shout of dragon locating" as a joke. But instead of pointing you in the direction of a dragon, it simply aggravates every dragon within hearing range of the shout.

I always just turned the gamma up. Either way, the boots are very useful.

That was used in the world record speed run.

The potion of air breathing made me actually lol
The Sword of Efficiency: You'll get twice the cutting done with this dual-handled sword. Or... none at all.

Armor of Disarming. Wearing this armor forces you to drop all your weapons.

Sword of the Hyrda. Do a beheading finishing move and two more heads grow back on the enemy.

Chest of entrapment. Opening this chest svcks the person inside and then locks itself again.

Greaves of Grievance. Effects are unknown, but the land of Skyrim was so terrified of this item that they eventually outlawed all greaves.

Post-button of idiocy... oh... I see you've found one.

That one was fun when I got the game for the first time, and tried whatever scrolls I could find. I wish we got gag scrolls like that in Skyrim.

Wut?
Boots of Blinding Speed + Cuirass of the Savior's Hide = Win

Sword of the Argonian - Attacks done while swimming or underwater are 150% stronger
Chestplate of the Spellsword - While using a spell and a 2-handed weapon at the same time, your damage and health are increased bo 75%

I remember in eq there was a pouch that reduced weight by 30% but it only had 4 small slots.

Make two separate 100% magic resist spells, one for ~5 seconds the other for ~3 cast them both, equip boots, problem solved. I question the wisdom of anyone who would call the boots of blinding speed useless given they were pretty much the only way to play un-modded Morrowind with a tolerable movement speed.

Now for a real useless magic item from Morrowind. http://www.uesp.net/wiki/Morrowind:6th_House_Amulet#6th_House_Amulet, funniest part is all the minions would waste time using it before they attacked you.