Huh. I have exactly the opposite rule. I think once you get passed the 10-year mark you can lie, but only because the other person will be able to see through it by then, and will appreciate that you're just trying to spare their feelings, while still being able to see the truth.





Exactly. If the other person knows its a lie and that you're just being nice, then it's fine, for me. But most couples don't know each other that well in the beginning.



Yes. I think you have to find someone that is at or near your level of honesty in order for the relationship to really work...


This makes me all fuzzy and shtuff.

I love my girlfriend, yes, but in order to keep our relationship I need to lie about her cooking. She's cooked for me twice- I won't lie once it was good, once idk what she was doing and even she didn't like it so I guess it's not really lying.

Now that I think about it, what I said above actually isn't the truth, because I quiet like her Macaroni and Cheese.

I don't lie, but there were instances with my ex that I wish I could have told her certain things, but just wasn't able to. I guess that could be because I wasn't that in to her, or I have a problem...What ev's.

i've probably repeated this already, but as long as you're both honest AND respectful, then everything will be fine. that's my experience anyway.

You know, that may very well be true. Though oddly enough, my bf and friends aren't as honest with other people as they are with me. I think there's a sort of comfort knowing that I'm crazy loyal but also completely truthful. It has led to some girlie fights (you know, you and your friend don't talk for a few days) but in the end, it always strengthens my relationships. Don't say "tell me the honest truth" if you don't mean it.

I guess I struggle to understand what "little white lies" you could tell that would actually benefit the other person in the long run.

I'm in the process of convicing two girls that I'm in a relationship with them, one so I can keep getting laid, the other so I can get laid. If it comes down to it, I'll drop the first one. You can have your honesty, and I'll have my fun.

That implies you can't have both, or neither...

I guess. If I had neither, I'd find someone else. Neither of them are really what I'd settle for, so finding someone else is a priority either way.

Fair enough.

im bruteally honest all the time, all my ex's loved it

The ability to read someone's thoughts would be horrible. I would think a mind reader would be pretty depressed if in a relationship. Or just in general.

I guarantee this is a lie. I also guarantee there's something you've lied about in a relationship -- yes, that includes stretching the truth or omitting things. People lie -- there is no perfect human, as much as we try to make ourselves seem like it by declaring our intentions. There's things I've omitted, there's truths I've stretched, that's human nature. The difference is, is are they big things that you know your partner finds to be a big deal? If your partner is the sensitive type who, as mentioned in one of the first few posts, wouldn't like to be told honestly that they're fat, presuming they're fat, and presuming they asked you, then obviously you cater to your partner in those regards. Yeah, I know, some people are supposedly honesty stalwarts, but you would expect the same respect for your personality in return, obviously within reason. If something like that is not what you can handle, don't be in a relationship with that person, or, in a relationship at all, for someone else's sake at best, your own otherwise. Relationships are first and foremost about what the self wants, but also, to a little bit of a lesser degree, about giving up a little bit for someone else. Unfortunately people falter because they can't deal with the reality of someone's personality, being too much an idealist and not pragmatist in how they react to things they did not expect or overlooked, or they flat out don't want to put out the effort required in giving up a little bit of one's self for someone else, case in point with telling the truth regardless of partner's personality (i.e. sensitivity) as iterated in the first few posts. Most people simply will not learn, will not be pragmatic, and/or will not put out the effort. svcks for them.

as far as being honest about white lies you also NEED to make sure that you constantly re assure your partner about their qualities and that you don't love them less if they don't rate a 10 or cook bad. other wise they will begin to feel insecure and more likely to lie. or just leave you for feeling over all unappreciated.

at least that is what i take from what i've learned dealing with subordinates at work.

as far as relation ships go i have been in only one and there was zero communication, so much so i that if it weren't for the fact that we were having relations i would not call it a relationship.

I'm me through and through regardless of relationship.
I joke about a lot of things and never take a relationship seriously enough at time, I do joke about liked and wanting to get with other girls but that is as far as it goes - a joke - I could never put in the effort to cheat and juggle to girls, plus if I have at least ones love and attention then I'm all good
I won't shout out all my history to any girl unless the conversation is somewhat relevant or she directly asks about it.

I prefer a hug to words.

I never tell any of them their cooking svcks and just eat it down quickly.

In all forms of interpersonal communication, one must speak falsehoods to keep things running smoothly. I say, "Oh, that's nice," far more often than I think it, and if I need to make a little lie like that in order to, say, get my girl to tell me what's bothering her, or smooth over a conversation (ie avoid a rant I don't want to make and she doesn't want to hear) then I see no problem with that.

On the other hand, major deceptions will come to bite you in the ass. I suppose that if you're like Capital, this won't really be a problem for you, because you'll be done before your lies are uncovered, but if you want to make a relationship last, it's best to be gentle. Don't lie, and don't be a jerk. Believe it or not, it's pretty much always possible to tell someone the truth in a way that isn't "brutal."

How very lovely of you.

I'm in the camp that honesty is always best. I don't know about people on here who've said it, but in my experience when someone announces they are "brutally honest" they use that as an excuse to be rude and nasty. You can tell someone that their cooking isn't great/that outfit doesn't suit them without hurting their feelings or resorting to white lies I think. A little tact goes a long way.

[Edit] This only goes for relationships and close friendships I think.

Yeah, I have this, too. If I'm angry/sad/whatever, I usually don't share it with people, including the gf, because I don't think there's any reason to. It's my "thing", and I'm of the opinion it doesn't really add to a relationship to disclose every mood.


Ah hah. I saw that...



I think zardoz sums up my approach. (Although... sometimes? often? I'll be too blunt. Sometimes "nice-ness" can veer too closely to a lie, and I'd rather hurt someone's feelings -- or just keep quiet -- than lie to them.)

One of the key reasons the fallout with my ex happened was lack of honesty on her end.. I don't wont to get into this crap again though, so I'll say my piece in general.

When I say tell me everything...I mean it. No assuming how I might feel if you do and use it as an excuse not to. Because what is going to happen is, whatever I'm doing wrong will just keep building up in your mind, til you snap, and start spewing out crap and leave me. Stuff that should have been discussed right then and there. I am often oblivious to my own wrong doing. It can be a tiny thing, that I can easily miss. As for me, I'm pretty honest, perhaps too honest. If I have to lie, it is part of an intimate joke.

Flat out to the point: A relationship is doomed from the start if something important is covered under a lie that could potentially make things better. Don't lie to your love ones(white lies are harmless to a point). The whole reason you got together and fell in love because of trust, and with trust comes honesty. You can't have one without the other.

My response to "brutally honest" phrases is I'll give a "brutally honest response", with a high probability of an argument to follow up.

I'll never succumb to being someone's doormat of any kind.

i think it's best to ask the person how they want it. i know that false "nice-ness" or just silence makes me very uncertain, so i'd rather hear that "hey you svck, but i don't care/it doesn't matter"

Indeed. By the time one gets into a serous relationship in most circumstances they encounter they should already have a pretty good indication as to how blunt they should be with their partner. I mean, I could tell my wife she smells like ass but she would immediately presume I'm joking and just as quickly retort with something similar. I can also in a serious fashion tell her she's been gaining too much weight (although if I did she'd get mad because her only notable weight gain was due to pregnancy which I was the cause of so she'd instantly give me [censored] for making her that way ), whether or not she asked me, and she wouldn't take it as a personal attack, especially if it's put in a constructive fashion. Had I did either of these when we first got together it would likely have pissed her off. Not everyone wants the type of honesty a person lays out there, so if a person wants to have a respectable relationship with someone else they will already consider that person's feelings as well and not just go by a hard-line idealist's standpoint of "i r blunt, take it or leave it".

I think you guys are taking "brutally honest" to the extreme though. When I use that term, I don't mean that I'm completely tactless and rude. I can convey my feelings and thoughts without personally attacking someone... most of the time. (I can only recall maybe 3 times I let it all fly, and that was only after MANY failed attempts at being nice AND after they personally attacked me.) But I fail to see how lying to someone helps them. Why, because it spares their feelings in regards to you? If your best friend or gf or bf or whomever, dresses in a terribly unflattering way and ends up being ridiculed for it... did you do them a favor by not saying something when they asked how they looked? Why should you be forced to eat something you hate just because your better half can't cook to save their lives? That all seems silly to me. I wouldn't have gotten to be a better cook if everyone had just smiled and ate the garbage I put on the table. It gave me the response I needed to improve... because when they said I did something great, I knew they meant it, it wasn't just a "white lie" to spare my feelings.

If you can't take constructive criticism then you're missing out on a great tool to help you improve yourself. But that's a totally different subject.

And just to further that point: I have asked my friends before about this, they all respond the same way. They pause, you can see they're trying to consider if they should be honest or not, then they tell me that sometimes it's hard to hear what I say, but they know it's what they need to hear. They love me for who I am, knowing that I'm not going to hide anything from them (especially my bf), and that they don't have to do any fancy footwork when talking to me.

Obviously, I don't just walk around telling people how it is, this only applies to situations where I'm directly asked a question. Maybe it doesn't work for everyone, but this type of honesty has kept my bf and I going strong for over 6 years now so it works for us.

Erm, "brutally honest" is an extreme, it's extremely harsh honesty. If it were being reasonably honest (your interpretation is not at all brutally honest), there'd not need to be the word brutal to describe it. That's also probably why it's such a magnet for criticism. OTOH, it's not a novelty that extreme words are used to describe normal things, particularly to get attention.

I'm in the camp of less talking and more recreational advlt activities. Talking is for when there is serious business that needs to be dealt with. Partners are not bound to stay with you, and relying on them for an ego boost about your percieved imperfections, and then getting pissy because they lie or didn't lie is a waste of time. If you aren't comfortable enough with yourself to be in a mature relationship, kindly GTFO and make room for someone who is. Don't come to me for validation, and I won't come to you. Actions always, always speak louder than words.
People lie, they always have, they always will. The question is, will you let it ruin your day.

That's exactly what I thought. Constructive criticism is saying "I think this food is a bit too salty/needs a bit more practice", being "brutally honest" is saying "I think this food tastes like [censored]/you're a rubbish cook" if you ask me.