How many of us are truly honest? I know for a fact I haven't been.

Which is kind of my point. My best friend and I have been friends for 5 years now. During that time we've had an on/off relationship. The reasons for our "off" phases were mainly down to me lying and my general selfishness.

I've got to change that. I love her a hell of a lot, and I don't want to lose my best friend and the girl who I believe I would spend the rest of my life with if we got back together.

But the thing is, there's a lot of things she still doesn't know. I'm not going to go into it, but she's going to be hurt that I kept those things from her. So my question to you guys is, do you think it's the right thing to do to tell her the truth about everything?
I mean, it's what I WANT to do, I want us to go back to how we were when we were really close and knew pretty much everything about each other. But at the same time I'm terrified that she'll be too hurt because I lied to her and our friendship will be over (god knows it's been close already).


If I do tell her, it'll be a handwritten letter sent to her house at university. If that makes any difference.


Thanks guys.

Honesty is important, in any relationship. As far as I know, not one person has always been honest. Not being honest is sometimes the right thing to do in order to prevent hurt, but rarely. Sometimes that hurt is good for the other person in the long run.

As for me, I'm pretty honest most of the time, but not always. Sometimes I lie to get out of things or to not hurt someone, but I don't find myself in the latter situation too often. The former more so, but even then..not that much.

As for you, it really depends on what it is and how it affects your relationship with her (what you are thinking about telling her). If you can't be honest now, what makes you sure that you will be honest in the future? However, if it's something trivial (probably not if it's gonna cause her pain) I would just keep it to yourself. If I was in your situation, it would really really depend on what it was (like how bad it would hurt her if she knew etc)..but I'd most likely tell her the truth about everything and deal with the consequences.

I'm described as "brutally honest". As for your friend, a handwritten letter doesn't sound like the best way to handle it. Are letters common between you two? If yes, then it'd probably be more acceptable. I don't think it would be terrible to keep her in the dark, and if you must, tell her in chunks instead of one long letter that she probably won't finish before burning.

Sometimes people get annoyed that I don't lie to them. Mostly about their appearance.

Tact is important. There's a time and place to be honest, generally it IS a good thing to be. Sometimes though, you have to skirt around an issue, as I said, tact.


I know I used to have a really bad habit of lying because I couldn't be bothered of trying to remember what actually happened, but generally I'm known in my circle of friends for being honest and having no qualms of telling people what I think.

honestly, if i say i am honest and always been, i'd be a liar. well, i lied before, so i am a liar anyway... ouch. well, the point it is, no one is always honest, no one is perfect. i think i am, but that's just my pride and arrogance. and i make a big deal about being honest myself, sometimes even if it costs me(a lot, at times), i am still not as honest as i think i am.

anyway, honesty is important. very important. no honesty means: no relationships(just one build on lies), no job(just jobs obtained by lies); and if you can't be honest, no business for you(just enterprise based on... more lies).

and in your case... that is a tough one, yes. i am not going to chime in on it though, not enough time and not even sure i can help with relationships.

True. One of the more irritating examples is "I'm only being honest!" as a means of excusing saying something that was unnecessary and obnoxious. Though I suspect that such people tend not to have such lofty standards the rest of the time...

I'm accused of not having any tact rather often. I'm not going to argue that point as I generally have a hard time not blurting out any random thought that comes to mind. As a result people see me as a bit o a spaz.

Well, you shouldn't hide it any longer. No matter what it is about you that you kept from her, when people love each other, they should love each other for all of them, not just the likable features, but the unlikable ones too.

My general attitude is: Be honest, tell the truth, be yourself. If someone likes you because of it, great. Become their friend, maybe even more. If they don't like you for who you are, you'll have no regrets. Whereas if you pretend to be something you're not, and someone likes you, you have to live with the fact that they don't actually like you, but what you let on to be, and that if your let your mask slip for even an instant, it could all be for naught.

Me personally, I like to sugarcoat things and doll them up. But that's me, and I'm good at it. You might want to take a different approach depending on how you do things and how your friend reacts to these kinds of things.

Edit: I'll admit that despite what I've just said, I'm no angel. I've made mistakes as well. I've lied before, and I've been ashamed. But once you own up to it, you'll feel a lot better. And if your friend is worth a damn, she'll eventually appreciate the honesty, even if she is hurt at first.

I think if you feel the need to defend something "honest" you've said, you shouldn't have said it at all.

I never tell big lies, as they'll come back to haunt you if the person you tell it to has a good memory. Any lie I give is always small enough that the answer would be forgotten no matter if I lied or not, but it's more convenient to lie at the time. So the vast majority of the time, I'm pretty honest.

OP, unless you don't have a better option, I wouldn't tell her your lies in a letter. Reason being she'll forever have a list of your lies on a piece of paper that she can look at to remind herself of them and dwell on, making her less likely to "forgive and forget." But no matter how you do it, she's probably not going to take it well. But if it's eating you up inside, you're better off telling her. If you tell her and your relationship is over, then at least it's off your chest. If you don't tell her and things wind up improving with you two, it'll keep eating away at you and it'll only be harder to tell her as time goes on.

That generally describes me, as well. Telling a big lie... it's unthinkable.

I'm also going to agree with that second part addressed to the OP.

For big things, I think it's always better to be truthful. However, I think everyone tells the odd porkie every now and again. For example, my boss wants to get a tatt of his new wife's face. I don't think it's a good idea, as relationship tatts just seem to tempt fate if you ask me. But he's in love, it's his body, and he's my boss. So I said it was a sweet idea.
If I was in a relationship with someone who had done bad things, I'd want to know. Part of being in a relationship is accepting their mistakes and working through the bad times. It'll hurt, but if the love is there and the relationship is strong enough, you can work through it. Maybe it will be the end - but wouldn't it be unfair on her if you were essentially duping her into a relationship which she would want no part of if she knew all of the facts?

Well, on that subject: You say that you'd like to know whatever bad things someone had done if you were in a relationship with them, but if that person doesn't do so, that doesn't necessarily make him dishonest. If you were to directly ask him something like "Have you ever done anything really bad?" and he were to say "No" when he actually has, only then would it be considered lying. But if the topic never comes up, it's alright, isn't it?

I suppose, yeah... I don't know what the OP did exactly, but if it was something like cheating, I'd still think it would be best to come clean than wait to see if she ever asks about it.
Plus, whether it's cheating or something else, if she ever does happen to ask, and he tells the truth, I don't think replying to "why didn't you tell me?!" with "you never asked" will get you very far.

I doubt it was cheating, because Count says that they're friends, and not romantically involved, so it wouldn't matter anyway, but still, lying is the quickest way to loose a friend... FOREVER!

honesty is the best policy

as for telling her - tell her that you want to be honest, and tell her that there are thing you want to tell her that will probably be upsetting (just like you have told us here in the opening post). Let her know that first, and discuss that with her -- before you get into any details about those upsetting things. Maybe it will give her time to mentally prepare herself.

As for communication methods - the only right way for something like that is face-to-face. Letters, texts, email, phone conversation - none of that is going to suffice. It will be very difficult for you to say these things face-to-face, but I think it is the best way, even though it will be painful. Sensitive issues need to be spoken of face-to-face, so that you both can react in real-time, and read nonverbal cues.

By the way, have you watched Going Postal, the new discworld movie? Just a thought... (the main character has a checkered and guilty past that he wishes to confess to someone he learns he has gravely wronged).

Most of the time Im honest. But the name doesn't support that...

Not lying is easier. You don't have to remember what you have said :hehe:

This. I am trying to stop telling small lies though. For example, yesterday, I told my friend and brother (we were hanging out in my yard) that I was going to use the bathroom, but I was actually logging out of my Facebook and deleting my search history (not that I have anything to hide, I just don't like people going through my stuff). In case you are wondering why I needed to log out, it is because he always asks to check his Facebook on my laptop, and he is the last person you want on your Facebook page. Trust me, it is much worse than him changing my "interested in"....

Wow, I need to stop these ramblings. I sound like I am an 80 year old war veteran.

And now a poem

by jjleon_2

Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive

Thank you

:wavey:

You're lying again.
Marvelous! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-prl07CaOI&feature=related :clap:

I make little lies all the time. Maybe too often, but who's counting anyway.

The big ones though, to people you care about and who care about you, the ones that could ruin relationships, those everyone should stay away from.

I'm a great liar(:

This. Both, actually, I'm described the same way, and a letter seems... cowardly. Not saying you're a coward, but sometimes it's best to just man up and tell her face to face. If you're going to tell her.