For the sake of boredom (and roleplay, but mostly boredom) let's have some responces made in the persona of peoples Skyrim characters! Because CHRISTMAS, that's why.

Note: Missed the part about these being questions for your character to reply to

1. "What are you looking for friend? My store has everything. Cabbage, axes, books... women."

2. "You there! Join the Imperial Legion, good pay and a monthly allowance in the tavern."

3. "Oi, we don't like yer type around here, put up your fists or buy me a pint."

4. "Right- the enemy is gathered in that house in the woods. What's the plan of action?"

5. "BY THE NINE EIGHT, A DRAGON!"

To Lydia:

"Get out of my [very censored] way, you fat [OMG censored]!"

... that's all...

STOP TALKING TO ME, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU..

"You know if you've got the attitude, you should join the Mages College in Winterhold."

- No, I'm the archmage.

"So, you're Brynjolf's new protege, huh? Don't look like much to me."

- No, I happen to be the guild leader and your boss.

Oh yeah, those 5 points are questions Can't blame me, I'm getting merry with sherry...
Could be the girl or the booze you'll never know.

Man is he annoying the crap out of me too.

I would like an option to say: 'How about I go steal a sweetroll myself and shove it up a place where the sun doesn't shine'

Guard: So, you're the new member of the Companions? So what, you fetch the mead?

Me: No, I the new Harbinger of the Companions which means I don't take crap from some guard with weak knees.

"No lollygagging" Guard

My character "No lollygagging (Said loudly and copying the accent)"

1. ...
2. Keep bothering me and I'll give you one fast lesson in sword swallowing.
3. Hey innkeeper! How much would a hot bath cost me?

WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I GOTTA PEEE!!!!!!!!

Thalmor: "*you* don't worship Talos, do you?"

Me: ...

Thalmor: "Well, barbarian?"

Me: "Keep speaking, High Elf. I'll show you exactly why your ancestors feared mine."

Seems like an appropriate response when you're a proud Nord being insulted by a Thalmor patrol

"Yes, Lydia, and sometimes I carry yours."

I'd love the ability to Fus Ro Dah any guard that says, "I got to thinking - maybe I'M the Dragonborn and I just don't know it yet," without being attacked in return or incurring a bounty. "Still think you're the Dragonborn?"

To Nazeem of Whiterun:

"I have enough coin in my pocket to kill your entire family, pay the fine, and still have enough left over to buy the [censored] Cloud District."

Guard: "Psst, I know who you are, hail Sithis"

Me: Oh...well good to meet a fellow Brother/Sister.

*2 seconds later*

Guard: "I know where you're from, please, we have good people here."

Me: ...you hail Sithis and then you beg for me not to follow our Dread Father. Yeah...you know I would kill you...but it'd be more funny if I just put a bucket over your head.

Narrator in Monty Python Style Voice: AND SO RIDEN THE GREAT ASSASSIN OF THE DARK BROTHERHOOD PLACED A BUCKET OVER A GUARD'S HEAD. HE WAS LATER IMPRISONED FOR TAKING A PLATE WORTH ONE GOLD PIECE.

To most NPCs:

"You never get tired of saying that don't you?"
or...
"Why do you keep repeating yourself over and over?"

1. Oh ya... I love cabbage
2. Go Empire!
3. Fus Ro Da!
4. Summon a couple dremora to take care of it
5. Is okay i killed like 4 on the way here

"Are you often in the cloud district? Oh why i am asking! of course you are not!"
To enemys "Why are you looking at me? I'm not afraid of you, even if you are my elder"
"Oh another Bandit who wants to lick my boots. Good job!"

(lowers bow and walks back towards road ...) "Well, would you look at that backwards-flying dragon." (... looks at summoned flame atronach who just shakes head ...)

I have two characters, so I'll label them A and B. I would use their initials, but it turns out they have the same initial.

1. "What are you looking for friend? My store has everything. Cabbage, axes, books... women."
- A. "I'm looking to sell"
- B. "Are you trying to be funny?" (he's blind)

2. "You there! Join the Imperial Legion, good pay and a monthly allowance in the tavern."
- A. *slices head off* "That's from the Stormcloaks"
- B. "I already know, but thanks for the reminder"

3. "Oi, we don't like yer type around here, put up your fists or buy me a pint."
- A. "Racist much?" *punches in the face* (Argonian)
- B. "You want to fight a blind man? What's your problem?"

4. "Right- the enemy is gathered in that house in the woods. What's the plan of action?"
- A. "You wait here."
- B. "Draw them out, we'll stand a better chance in the open"

5. "BY THE NINE EIGHT, A DRAGON!"
- A. "I suppose I'll have to deal with it, because I know you guys won't."
- B. "This should be fun"

Do you get to Sovngarde very often? What am I saying, of course you don't.

To many NPC's: "SHUT UP!"

To Lydia: "Gah, get out of the way, you @$#%*&^ [email="#@$"]#@$[/email]!

In general: "Oh, For F***'s sake, another dragon?!"

I wish we had the option to flip someone off. A middle finger will often do the talking for you.

I'm more interested in what people's characters would say in response to the statements in the OP, not what they'd say to random dialogue/bugs/NPCs blocking their path, etc

1. middle finger
2. middle finger
3. middle finger
4. middle finger
5. middle finger