What am I searching for in life? : Othor Games

» Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:13 am

So that brings me to where I am now. We moved back to TN. Where there are no people. My dad got a job here at Nissan at the plan

I know where your dad works.

and I know exactly how you feel, I live about an hour away from the Nissan plant and it's this state, something just svcks about it. I'd really like to move back to New York, but that ain't happening. I'm just going to svck it up until after college when I can move to some city.

» Wed Dec 07, 2011 3:16 pm

I know where your dad works.

and I know exactly how you feel, I live about an hour away from the Nissan plant and it's this state, something just svcks about it. I'd really like to move back to New York, but that ain't happening. I'm just going to svck it up until after college when I can move to some city.

At least you're going to college, with people, and friends, and whatnot. I have my parents. That's pretty much it.

» Wed Dec 07, 2011 5:52 am

At least you're going to college, with people, and friends, and whatnot. I have my parents. That's pretty much it.

I have 1 friend, and my parents, College doesn't interest me at all, and High School is one of the most dreadfully boring experiences I've had to go through.

» Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:16 pm

At least you're going to college, with people, and friends, and whatnot. I have my parents. That's pretty much it.

See there you kind of sound depressed. You have identified your problem. Thinking about it more will just keep you suspended in a state of unhappiness. The next stage is to work out (1) what you enjoy (2) you can teach yourself and (3) will earn money. No-one really can answer that for you of course.

You know these days being a "maker" is a big thing, e.g. as they preach at Boing Boing? http://boingboing.net/ That site might provide inspiration for a slacker (I am one) who wants to earn money. They feature such people every day. All you need is a skill and you can move just about anywhere. I am on country number eight (renting a place, not traveling through) and I am slack as ****. I started out through teaching myself Japanese.

» Wed Dec 07, 2011 4:03 am

First off, let me preface this by stating that I do not think I am depressed, at all. Well maybe slightly. But I truly do not feel like I'm depressed. I just want something to change. I just want something to MOVE me.

I guess I have to give a background of my life up until this point for any of this to make sense to anyone who reads this.

My life has been very good. My parents are awesome, they are still together, and we all live in the same house together. I am 22 right now. For the last few years of my life, things have gone great. I don't hate my parents, and I don't think they are bad parents nor do I think they have treated me badly at all. I've had a very blessed life and I have always had what I wanted and I've always had nice things. But those nice things don't matter to me at all. I just got all of my stuff back from a storage unit (it had been in a storage unit for almost a year) and I just..don't care about it anymore.

3 years ago my family moved from a small town in Tennessee to California so my dad could go to school. The town I was living in was a backwards small town with no people. I hated that about it more than anything. I am the type of person who wants to be in the middle of "it". I don't care what "it" is, I just want to be right there. I just want to be around people. Hundresd, thousands of people. I don't want them looking at me, and if they do, that's fine. I just want to be around people.

Well anyway, the small town I moved from was just..so lonely. Nothing going on. And then we moved to california. PEOPLE. So many people. Just walking around..at the beach, I'd go walking on the beach EVERY DAY because of the amazing views? The sand between my toes? The ocean? No, I went because that's where the people were. I even snuck into a VIP party once on the beach at night, there were guard rails up and everything, and I snuck in not to have a drink, or to watch the performance, no, I just wanted to be there because there were so many people. I didn't know anyone, I didn't speak to anyone, I just wanted to be there.

So that brings me to where I am now. We moved back to TN. Where there are no people. My dad got a job here at Nissan at the plant, and we moved all of our things here and got our stuff out of storage from when the first time we moved. But the thing is, I sit here and look at my TV, 46 inch flatscreen, nice TV, my Xbox, all my games, all my movies, and I just don't care. I thought I'd be happy to see it. I thought it'd fill the void, the lack of a social aspect of my life now, but I don't care. I could throw it all away right now, and I wouldn't care at all.

See, the thing is, I just want to get OUT. I want to get out of my parents house. I am 22 years old, I'll turn 23 soon. I just feel like I'm trapped. My parents are not bad people, I love them dearly. They are supportive, nice, sure they have their problems as do all families, but I have had an amazing childhood. I just feel so trapped here. And I can't just "leave". How would I do that? I can't. I don't have the skills or means to just support myself. I don't want to BE here. I want to be near the people, near "it". I don't even know what "it" is.

I feel like lately I'm searching for something..I go on ridiculously long walks, and I mean long, 3-4 hour long walks, miles at a time, around here. I used to do it on the beach, and in california, where there were people, and it brought me great joy and happiness to just be there and be near people and all of the things going on. Being in the city. It just felt right. I was there. I was in the middle of "it". I still didn't even know what "it" was, what specifically about it made me happy, but it did. But I just feel like I'm searching for something here, on these walks now, and I don't know what. What am I looking for? What am I searching for? What is "it" that I long for that I cannot find here?

And..its' not like I'm "unhappy". I'm happy. I'm just not joyful, I'm not at peace here. I want to get OUT. I want to fall, and pick MYSELF back up. I want to make mistakes. I want to live and fail and cry over my own spilt milk. that doesn't even make sense does it.

I just feel like I've been dropped in a tiny box, and I am the most claustrophobic person you will ever meet. (I'm not really, that's just a metaphor for how my mind feels right now)
I feel like if I had my way, right now, I'd just jump, in to the sky, and high as I could, and I would just fly as fast and I could and NEVER stop, the wind constantly beating against my face.

I constantly listen to dubstep music and trance, really loud, in these Beats by Dre headphones I bought for 200 dollars. Because I feel like the bass just penetrates (lol) me, in a deep way, and it moves me, because I feel like nothing else moves me here. I was moved by people, by "it", but I don't know what "it" was. Is "It" what I'm searching for? I don't even know what "it" is.

Am I just [censored] crazy? Am I crazy, really? What is wrong with me? Should I not be happy? In a great home, with great parents, but I just feel so CLOSED IT AND I DON'T WANT TO BE. I just want to get OUT and MOVE, and by MOVE, I just want something to change, I want a family, I want kids, I want a wife, I just want "it".

I had a job while I lived in california, at the san diego zoo. I was a ticketseller. I was happy. I saw literally thousands of people everyday. Beautiful people, ugly people, you name it, I saw them, spoke to them, took their money, and made them smile. It felt so good.

All those people, it's so dynamic. Now, it's corn fields, and empty long dirt roads going no where. FFS.

yep, that is basically how it is; what matter is people and relationships, not things. some many people do not get that though. yet. it is not that things do not matter, just that they are not the most important part of being human. me, i still don't get it, really. i mean, i have people in my life... but not things. i am still unhappy though. i guess i don't really appreciate what i do have--the people who really do love me and the relationships--as much as i should. i don't know.

well, you got to find somewhere to go. maybe not a party or hang out. but park, maybe? library? gym? volunteer at the homeless shelter or soup kitchen? in all of those places there are people. last one, volunteer at the homeless shelter or soup kitchen or like, that's like two birds with one stone; you help yourself and you help other people, too. which is kind of going to what you are looking for(believe it or not): life for and with others, not just for self or even for and with family. people are never really happy until we live for others more than we live for ourselves. the essence of life was, is, and always will be http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agape. if someone is missing something in life, that's generally it. (kind of answers my own question of why i am not completely happy in my life... i am not one who acts on this, this kind of sacrificial love, "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being."

sound like me... man, i hope we both get to move on with life. and soon.

no, no, it does. you have had all the best, and you feel cheated out of all the rest. right?

ok, but be careful; what we say about ourselves has this way of making sure we do become what we say. kind of like, sync what is being said and what is inside so that there is no contradictions. kind of like keeping self and own words and deeds on the same page. people are wired to look for honesty with--and in--others. and with themselves.

well, how likely is it that you can find a job? maybe not like the zoo one. but a job. with more or less being around or with people more or less all the time. preferably one where you help people. and you know how to vent... that's good, some people never learned to or just don't do it, they just let it boil inside them, they stew in their own juices, keep it inside and let it eat them from inside out, it over and over again they think about it, wallow in self pity sometimes... none of which is ever healthy if done for long time.

if you ask me, the "it" you are looking for is, as i said, a life of AGAPE. (i should take my own advice, too.)