First off, let me preface this by stating that I do not think I am depressed, at all. Well maybe slightly. But I truly do not feel like I'm depressed. I just want something to change. I just want something to MOVE me.

I guess I have to give a background of my life up until this point for any of this to make sense to anyone who reads this.

My life has been very good. My parents are awesome, they are still together, and we all live in the same house together. I am 22 right now. For the last few years of my life, things have gone great. I don't hate my parents, and I don't think they are bad parents nor do I think they have treated me badly at all. I've had a very blessed life and I have always had what I wanted and I've always had nice things. But those nice things don't matter to me at all. I just got all of my stuff back from a storage unit (it had been in a storage unit for almost a year) and I just..don't care about it anymore.

3 years ago my family moved from a small town in Tennessee to California so my dad could go to school. The town I was living in was a backwards small town with no people. I hated that about it more than anything. I am the type of person who wants to be in the middle of "it". I don't care what "it" is, I just want to be right there. I just want to be around people. Hundresd, thousands of people. I don't want them looking at me, and if they do, that's fine. I just want to be around people.

Well anyway, the small town I moved from was just..so lonely. Nothing going on. And then we moved to california. PEOPLE. So many people. Just walking around..at the beach, I'd go walking on the beach EVERY DAY because of the amazing views? The sand between my toes? The ocean? No, I went because that's where the people were. I even snuck into a VIP party once on the beach at night, there were guard rails up and everything, and I snuck in not to have a drink, or to watch the performance, no, I just wanted to be there because there were so many people. I didn't know anyone, I didn't speak to anyone, I just wanted to be there.

So that brings me to where I am now. We moved back to TN. Where there are no people. My dad got a job here at Nissan at the plant, and we moved all of our things here and got our stuff out of storage from when the first time we moved. But the thing is, I sit here and look at my TV, 46 inch flatscreen, nice TV, my Xbox, all my games, all my movies, and I just don't care. I thought I'd be happy to see it. I thought it'd fill the void, the lack of a social aspect of my life now, but I don't care. I could throw it all away right now, and I wouldn't care at all.

See, the thing is, I just want to get OUT. I want to get out of my parents house. I am 22 years old, I'll turn 23 soon. I just feel like I'm trapped. My parents are not bad people, I love them dearly. They are supportive, nice, sure they have their problems as do all families, but I have had an amazing childhood. I just feel so trapped here. And I can't just "leave". How would I do that? I can't. I don't have the skills or means to just support myself. I don't want to BE here. I want to be near the people, near "it". I don't even know what "it" is.

I feel like lately I'm searching for something..I go on ridiculously long walks, and I mean long, 3-4 hour long walks, miles at a time, around here. I used to do it on the beach, and in california, where there were people, and it brought me great joy and happiness to just be there and be near people and all of the things going on. Being in the city. It just felt right. I was there. I was in the middle of "it". I still didn't even know what "it" was, what specifically about it made me happy, but it did. But I just feel like I'm searching for something here, on these walks now, and I don't know what. What am I looking for? What am I searching for? What is "it" that I long for that I cannot find here?

And..its' not like I'm "unhappy". I'm happy. I'm just not joyful, I'm not at peace here. I want to get OUT. I want to fall, and pick MYSELF back up. I want to make mistakes. I want to live and fail and cry over my own spilt milk. that doesn't even make sense does it.


I just feel like I've been dropped in a tiny box, and I am the most claustrophobic person you will ever meet. (I'm not really, that's just a metaphor for how my mind feels right now)
I feel like if I had my way, right now, I'd just jump, in to the sky, and high as I could, and I would just fly as fast and I could and NEVER stop, the wind constantly beating against my face.

I constantly listen to dubstep music and trance, really loud, in these Beats by Dre headphones I bought for 200 dollars. Because I feel like the bass just penetrates (lol) me, in a deep way, and it moves me, because I feel like nothing else moves me here. I was moved by people, by "it", but I don't know what "it" was. Is "It" what I'm searching for? I don't even know what "it" is.

Am I just [censored] crazy? Am I crazy, really? What is wrong with me? Should I not be happy? In a great home, with great parents, but I just feel so CLOSED IT AND I DON'T WANT TO BE. I just want to get OUT and MOVE, and by MOVE, I just want something to change, I want a family, I want kids, I want a wife, I just want "it".

I had a job while I lived in california, at the san diego zoo. I was a ticketseller. I was happy. I saw literally thousands of people everyday. Beautiful people, ugly people, you name it, I saw them, spoke to them, took their money, and made them smile. It felt so good.

All those people, it's so dynamic. Now, it's corn fields, and empty long dirt roads going no where. FFS.

Sounds like you miss some food... Hopefully not anchovies...

Go wander some parks and fish for trout.

Well you are the opposite of me as I hate big cities and I hate crowds and hate being around lots of people. I love the peace and quiet of the countryside, I enjoy being by myself sometimes.

I don't know what "it" is but you obviously want independence and need a active social life, have you spoken to your parents about this feeling you have?

I've stated numerous times that I want to get out on my own, and when I had a job in cali I felt like I kind of was, even though I still went home everynight it just felt good to do something with my life and make people happy.

But I've never told them what I just wrote explicitly, dear God no.

Your parents know you better than anyone else so logically they would be the best people to talk too about it, they may even be able to help you "get out on your own"?

Yeah, you're exactly right. I just wanted to get an opinion of someone on the outside looking in, to see if I really am just insane or not. Because I feel like everything in my life should be making me happy, but it's not, at all. It's not making me "unhappy", I just..ugh. I just feel trapped in a box in a place I don't want to be in a town with all roads leading no where. I want to be something, to do something big. I feel like heck, even if I got a job here, who cares? What impact am I having here? It's not going to lead to anything. I won't make a living here. I won't live here, I want to be in a city, where things happen, where "it" is. But that's the question. I don't even know what "it" is. I just know it sure as heck isn't here.

why not look for a job in California? I don't know how far away you live from there, and I don't live in America anyway so I don't know that much about different places, but could that even be a possibility? If not some other big city?

It sounds like California really suited you.

California is over 2000 miles away from me, and the cost of living/groceries there makes it pretty much impossible for me to support myself financially even with a good job unless I had some sort of a roommate. And I have neither a good job there or a roommate. So that's pretty much out of the question sadly.

Maybe I missed it, but do you have a job? Cause being 22, and sitting around all day should drive anyone crazy. Even a crappy minimum wage job gives you some sense of purpose, if only at first. Plus a job gives you money, which helps you move out.

I had a job in Cali, and moved recently here to TN. It's been 3 weeks, so I don't have a job here yet.

Ah, that makes sense. I was feeling pretty much the same, minus wanting to move to the city, when I was looking for work. And sadly it took quite a while to get even a McJob.

Mcjob, that made me laugh out loud.
+1

I'd say you are simply a very extravert personality and that you need to fulfill your social life on a greater level.

I myself am a very introvert person and I enjoy the company of self and feel relaxed and calm being alone while I feel beat and tired after hanging out with my friends. In the same way extravert personalities get anxious when in little company but relax and feel energized while in company, it doesn't even have to be any specific company, just company. With the way you described feeling good in "it" and with "it" being places where people are it seems to me that you just need to go search for "it"

Seeing how you've been placed far away from people I guess you're in for some uncomfortable days but I wish you luck in getting rid of this anxiety/restlessness, there are no local tourist attractions or anything to that remote place that you can visit to unwind ?

That's exactly how I feel, I couldn't quite word it that way. I feel very anxious and just "ugh" when alone, and in the presence of people, I'm relaxed, very calm, it's peaceful, it doesn't' matter who at all, I could care less, just "people". The more, the more I feel like I'm just calm and relaxed.

Like, I feel like being around my parents is exhausting for no reason. I need new people. I feel like my parents are my underwear. I've worn them for so long. It's time for a new pair. A lot of pairs. A whole draw full.
>_>

Well...at least you have a good avatar :happy:

I don't really know what to say. Maybe you just like to observe other people, how their lives go about. Different things people do in their lives. Maybe you feel as if in TN you're not apart of the big picture. Where it all really matters. In the big city, you're part of the population, everyone around you can love you or hate you. In a small town in TN, you're just there, no one really caring.

I don't know. O.o

Are you absolutely, one-hundred percent sure, that somewhere, down-deep, California is not beckoning/calling you back?

You stated earlier that the cost of living in Cali. is somewhat of a roadblock in you returning there to live.

I say cost of living be damned! Make it happen!

Somehow, someway do it. :toughninja:

If you could focus all of that idle energy stirring inside of you into making California a reality, I believe you'll solve your issues.

I do wish you luck. :thumbsup:

California isn't the only place with people...Try moving to a place that has people, but isn't a total dump. Like Idaho or Colorado.

That's actually exactly how I feel. I feel as if in the big city, I'm apart of "it", but here, I'm no one, there's no one here, and no one cares.


It's not just California. I've been to other big cities before too and I feel the same way. I've been to Tokyo and New York. I get the same feeling there. Tokyo more than any other city actually, more than Cali even. It's just amazing. So many people walking across http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f5/Shibuya_Crossing.ogv/mid-Shibuya_Crossing.ogv.jpg at one time. It's bizarre. I've been there at that very place. It was intense.

You should go to China then if you like people. I think it was Shenzhen (I get really confused by chinese cities) where the crowds move so fast and are so congested in one direction that if you miss the place you wanted to go you have to do a whole lap round the block to get back because it is simply impossible to turn round due to the stampede of people in such a small area.

It was horrible

It's "it."

Move out, go finish your education, get a job and start a life for yourself.

And live in Cali.

Tokyo! Damn, I do envy you. I so love Japan, but don't see myself getting there anytime soon. :sadvaultboy:

Do you think you're the type that would find fulfillment in, say, trekking across Europe or something? :shrug:

It kinda sounds like you could.

"I don't have the skills or means to just support myself."

That seems to be the heart of the problem. You might want to scraqe together a few grand, wander around India for six months, and think about what job you want. Then you have to start teaching yourself how to do it, if you can't go to school. You can teach yourself all kinds of stuff in a couple of years, and then you are 25 and on your way. E.g. a foreign language, or how to weld and make stuff out of metal, or start promoting parties... There are so many possibilities depending on what you enjoy.

Go to school, get a job and live on.