well his diagonis was off when i was in 7th grade had a week were i broke crap, next week gitty the week after words i was depressed then pissed then happy, and i know that if i dont take the meds some bad stuff can happen, i forgot to take my anxiety meds and i siezed up

I think I will commit suicide when im older. I dont want to live like my grandparents, lose mobility, loose well everything. They didnt seem to do much, it seems so boring. Why the hell would I want to live like that ? Add in arthritis, my grandmother had it, my mother has it, I may have it.

I even considered how I would do it. I thought maybe alcohol poisoning. I could make it look like I just didnt know m limit, or something. I just dont wnt to end up like all the old people I know, it seems like a horrible way to live.

I wouldnt say im parnoid about relatives. I just dont want to let them close to me, for some reason. As for random people who I dont know. Seems fine. Random people have tried starting fights with me in the past, random people kill random people, rob random people.

I get a bit OCD about my surroundings -- everything must be symmetrical -- and about numbers -- TV Volume bar must be set at an even number or a multiple of three.

A tinge of depression and anxiety too, which, in this day and age, seems pretty normal.

she told me im insane and charming

Last time I was at therapy, courtesy of the Rhode Island judicial system, they said I had ASPD, dysthymia, and 'negative narcissism'. If anyone would like to tell me what the last one means, please do so; I think narcissism is inherently negative, and I don't think I lack confidence, so there goes the other possible definition. I was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder at a young age, and I suppose this is the more mature version.

Something to keep in mind is that when court ordered to go to therapy, their goal is to find things wrong with you. These are likely inflated diagnoses so the court had something to work with.

is this one of those hugging threads again?

Bethesda games certainly seem to attract people with mental illness (or hypochondriacs).

I think it probably is in the nature of such things, to be honest.

If only my problem were so simple.

What? No. Autism-spectrum disorders are comorbid with lots of other diseases, both mental and physical. The only thing that the DSM-IV-TR "prohibits" from being diagnosed alongside ASD is ADHD. Bipolar disorder can be comorbid with autism, for instance.
Are you sure about that? I've never once heard that BPD is diagnosed in numbers that would indicate that it is more prevalent amongst non-heterosixual men.
It's called selection bias for a reason. People self-select themselves to post in this thread - thus, you will see a larger percentage of posters in a thread about mental illness posting about their mental illness.

Does that include ADD? Because I was diagnosed with both. Wouldn't surprise me if the person was simply unaware of that rule, though.

Few last days I've been investigating possible methods of suicide, so I suppose suicidal desires should be added to my list.


I never actually thought about it. Ending my life is a daily thought but how do it? When I was last (and only) time about to do it it was going to be jumping from a high spot (which would probably have not been fatal - but I was 15 back then) I now have a bit of doubt about it. The risk of surviving with horrific injuries is repulsive. I need to keep looking.
I don't fancy particularly gruesome methods either, as I need to think about the poor bastard who would find me.
What about hanging?

I would rather you not kill yourself tbh.

Straight from the DSM-IV-TR:

Also, ADD was changed in the DSM-IV to ADHD-PI (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder - Predominantly Inattentive), so I believe that a codiagnosis of ASD and ADD / ADHD-PI is not recommended. The DSM-IV was written in 1994, however, so if your diagnosis was before or around that time, the therapist might not have known about it.

Go see a mental health professional or call this number (Finland): 09-731391 / 040-5032199, Website: http://www.evl.fi/kkh/to/kpk/pap.html

No mental disorders in this cranial vault.

Not yet, but I need to prepare. I won't be going anywhere for at least a few months. If I accomplish my secondary goals I will not go anywhere for at least a year. If I complete my primary goals, I will hold on to this miserable piece of life as long as oxygen rolls through my body.
But, I am preparing for the worst. I am a generally incompetent person and there are high chances of myself not being able to make a life for myself. If I fail at that then there is no reason to go forward.
What I am doing now is trivializing this decision. When the time comes or rather IF it comes it will be a casual decision, like taking a shower. Then I will be ready and not chicken out like a fool like I did last time.

As for contacting aid - well - I don't think it will do much good. This is not some irrational "I HATE THE WORLD" nonsense, this is a thoroughly thought plan (or at least that's what my brain claims - the stubborn bastard). I did visit a psychologist once and it was all encouraging and all but five minutes after the meeting I realized all I had achieved that day was to fantasize that I was worth something.

The idea is to keep going to see the psychologist - a decent anology would be wearing a leg cast for one day and, seeing no real improvement in the functioning of your broken leg, taking the cast off because it didn't help. Improving mental health is a long-term process - depending on the type of therapy, it can take weeks, months or years.

Suicidal ideation - especially over a period of time - is definitely not a good sign. I'd really recommend that you talk to someone - doesn't have to be a therapist. But keep that number and website close to you.

What are your goals ?

You are worth something, you seem like a smart guy, who isnt a dike. That makes you superior to other people I know.
Besides, if you kill yourself then you dont have the potential to be something. While alive however, you still can be.

Aren't there things you enjoy or enjoy doing? Going for a walk? Eating pizza? Going fishing? Cheese? Tanks?

Wouldn't you like to be able to continue to do those things?

Your life is only wasted if you choose to waste it.

That, you see, is the problem. I have no one to talk to. I've lived my life in a humorless household where personal matters were never discussed. Then comes the fact that I don't have (many) friends. I do not use alcohol (because of a great deal of childhood trauma brought by people using too much alcohol) which pretty much eliminates any social interaction with other Finnish youth.
Nevertheless I'll keep the number and website in mind, even if I at the moment don't regard them as options.
My goal is simple: to get an education. I am applying to university in hopes to become a biologist. I may be a smart guy I get that sometimes, but it hardly gets me anywhere. Having read a lot of books is not an asset. It gets me nowhere.

If I do not pass, then I am not worthy. I have no potential if I have proved to myself that I have none. Why sit around knowing that you won't be getting anywhere?
I don't have many things I truly enjoy. Food is food, computer and books are methods to hide myself from reality. And they lead to even worse results. Too late I realized that I had wasted my best years on all sorts of useless nonsense. In school I am average, and indecisive. I am bad in social situations. I am unattractive. I hold unorthodox beliefs. I do not believe in any higher powers. I have bad genes and even them I have used badly.

No, there is no exit from this. I either succeed or I fall. I will not tolerate a life wasted, I will not stand by and watch others succeed where I failed. This svck-ass world is repulsive as it is. And even if I succeed now it does nothing to remove the long term problems. I will always be alone, always be shunned, and always believe (KNOW) that I am not worthy.

i don't like reading this at all. when people plan and talk about suicide to others, my experience is that they've gotten pretty far.
i don't understand what makes people think they are not worthy when there's something good about everyone. everyone has potential.

you know, a lie is your reality as long as you believe it.

Well you can always talk to us. Your anonymous so you can discuss what you want, and it wont impact you irl, unless its serious.

So what if you dont go to uni ? Lots of people have made something of themselves and not went to uni. If you fail, apply again, all killing yourself will do is ensure you never suceed at becoming a biologist.
Only you do have potential, the only way you dont is if you are dead or in a permanent coma.

In school I am average,
And you have the potential to be more than that.
and indecisive.
Nothing worth killing yourself over.
I am bad in social situations.
So am I, also you can get better in social situations you know.
I am unattractive.
In your oppinion. Some people will find you attractive, some wont. Same goes for everyone.
I hold unorthodox beliefs
And ?
I do not believe in any higher powers.
So what ? Neither do I, I dont see why that would factor into this.
I have bad genes and even them I have used badly.
So ? Genes are much less of an issue these days. And will continue to be unimportant. I have terrible eyesight from my father, I allso have glasses, and the future option of laser eye. More options will be found eventually. mking those bad genes unimportant.

No, there is no exit from this. I either succeed or I fall. I will not tolerate a life wasted
You commiting suicide seems like it would be a waste of a life too me.
, I will not stand by and watch others succeed where I failed.
How does killing yourself change anything ? Sure you dont see it, but thats all. You also loose the ability, to suceed where they fail. Also you seem to be missing, the fact that you can retry, again if you needed too. If you failed its not final, unless you kiled ourself, becuase then you cant change anything.
This svck-ass world is repulsive as it is.
And a good person killing themselves makes it worse.
And even if I succeed now it does nothing to remove the long term problems. I will always be alone
Nope. you can find friends/love whatever. Im pessamistic as [censored], and even I know nothing is set in stone. Your atheist, you dont belive in higher powers, so why are you acting as though your life is determined. You have some control.
, always be shunned
No again.
and always believe (KNOW) that I am not worthy.
Who are you trying to prove your worth too ? Yourself ? What are you trying to prove you arent worthy of ?

Ratslayer, you bring good points and I agree. I do not think that I have a particularly good reason to plot suicide - there is no good reason. However I simply do not like living. I do not recognize reality. Escaping the evils in my life required building a personal world where I am the only way. But it has shattered. I am slowly returning to reality and I am shocked by what I see. I do not know how to live. I only know how to exist.

I'm starting to sound pretty pathetic to myself.

My life svcks. That's it. I've been in this [censored] for years. No friends, no skills, just huddled up doing useless nonsense like reading books or playing games. I wish I could tell about my situation better but I can't. I have never told ANY problems of mine to ANYONE. EVER. At best it has been subtle hinting. All that stuff in me, the bullying, the lack of good company, the "friends" using me as a scapegoat and a money source, getting called names when I walk school hallway, the nights listening to my mom getting beaten by her drunk boyfriend, all that [censored] I'm sick of it.

You can make friends, hell the fact people on here are trying to talk you out of killing yourself should be a sign, that people like you.
You can learn skills.
Then try a helpline, or just talk to people here, we (I assume) dont have as much experience as the helplines, but you can still talk to people.
Make friends, there are so many people in the world, maybe they arent in the same country as you and you may meet them eventualy. But with so many people you will find friends.
Find new friends. I was in a similar thing, I had "friends" but it was more like people I hung out with, who would use me as a doormat. They werent all that bad, some I bet never knew how I felt. But that dosent mean everyone is like that.
People are dikes, dont let them get to you. Again, not everyone is like that.

As for your mother, I have no advice other than call the police.