I know you all aren't psychologists and have no reason to care for a random person on the internet, but I seriously just have tried every outlet possible and nothing is helping. I am truly, truly hoping someone can help me see the light here.
*cue pathetic whining*

I've been very sick lately with a myriad of infections in my body (weak immune system. I don't have lupus yet but am expected to develop it later in life, according to my rheumatologist). I'm usually used to that and can deal with it just okay. I never get really demoralized from being sick. Of course it svcks, but when does it not? On the side, I also have depression and anxiety but it has been improving until now.

For some reason, when night strikes (I'm pretty okay during the day for some reason), I feel AWFUL emotionally. I feel utterly alone, anxious and afraid. I often can't find any rest at all though my body needs it, and I spend most of the night with my heart racing or crying. Yes, I do see a psychologist. I have a wonderful boyfriend (albeit long distance) who supports me like I couldn't have ever imagined I'd ever have. I have a family, friends, etc. Nothing is truly "wrong" in my life. Yet these nights come and I feel so overcome with sadness. I've had very low points, but nothing like this. It starts scaring me because I don't feel myself at all, and then come the tears. I'm so worried about what's wrong with me and I dread the night, something I always took solace in.

I know this sounds stupid and whiny. I just am wondering if anyone has felt this, or has any advice. It's night time now and I'm choked up and afraid. I need something to calm me down.. I've tried everything. Exercise, music, television, just talking with people.. I feel like I'm losing a sense of who I am. I will regret posting this in the morning if not the second after I hit "post new topic," but I've really been driven to that point. I have bad self esteem and generally do everything I can to avoid people from having a reason for disliking me. But, here I am, putting myself out to strangers. I've been here a few years and haven't really made any friends, but.. hopefully someone is kindhearted. I've seen that some people here are, and I hope so sincerely that someone can lend me a hand.

Apologies again..

edit in regard:
i do have a dog. she has to be kept in her kennel at night due to .. destruction. shes afraid of the nighttime.

Get a dog they are Mans/Lady's Best Friend for a reason; they keep you happy if you keep them happy. Not just a family dog (If you are with one) but one that’s your truly your best friend and your responsibility. Every night hell be there to keep you company and you’ll sleep knowing you loving buddy will be there in the morning.

Advice: Get a dog the breed you like and love him! You need a Mans/Lady's Best Friend Or a Cat! I'm not a Cat person I dislike them allot that’s why a made a rant about dogs. There’s my bad advice as you see I am no psychologist.

I feel like that often (though not to such extremes), mainly because I'm the one everyone else in the household tends to ignore. I get through depression just by immersing myself in things that I love to do, even if it means shutting out everything else.

I wouldn't feel stupid or ashamed, that can't be good for your self-esteem either.

It's late tonight and I'm posting on my phone, but tomorrow I'll pm you or just bump this thread with a few books you should check out.

I can kinda see where you're coming from. Being a teenage girl, I find that I'm brought to tears, particularly at night, for no apparent reason (although it can often be brought on by the thought of leaving home). I'll just feel a bit lonely and useless, and cry until I have to turn my pillow over because it's too wet. And then I'll wake up in the morning feeling fine. I think one of the best things you can do is to surround yourself with people that just make you feel happy and make you laugh, and watch movies or TV programmes that are just silly and make you giggle (Monty Python, for example). Then, as dumb as this may sound, you can think about certain moments that made you laugh, and giggle your tears away (because I think that everything is funnier at night time).

I hope this sorta helps, and that you find yourself feeling better soon. And don't feel stupid for posting this, because at least you're trying to do something about it

It's hard to give you much more than kind words, since I don't know much about you. Regardless, hang in there Liitkiva. Reassuring back pat

Don't ever feel bad about asking for help or advice. Behind the facade that we all put on for the rest of society, most people have just as many problems and are equally terrified of life. Maybe at night you should stop trying to distract yourself and confront the problem head on. Just lay on your bed or in a comfortable chair and reflect upon yourself. Spending time to do nothing but think can be incredibly relieving and revealing. Once you can put everything in your life into perspective you will feel much better about yourself.

This. Usually at the end of each day I go through, in my head, everything I'm thinking about and try to rationalize solutions, discuss my thoughts, etc. Also, something that I think will help is getting a journal. I'm going to get one in a couple of days and try and put a journal entry everyday. I think this would greatly help as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XUtWqdxKbs

I'm not female, but you and I are very close in age. I feel that people of the same age can easily identify with each other, based on going through the same stage in life. I have felt like you before. When it comes time for bed, I lay awake thinking of how alone and utterly insignificant I am. I felt this way a few years ago. The last couple of years, I have grown very apathetic. I just don't care. I'm content being alone. I'm content having no friends like I used to. My advice to you, don't get content. Don't be apathetic. It's good to worry about these things. If you worry, you're more likely to fix the problems. I do have to mention though, I have never been depressed, nor have I ever seen a psychologist. Our situations aren't too similar, but I do understand your feelings. I have begun to be hopeful. I feel like my future is bright. I am only 21. There is time for it to get better. I don't know the extent of your illness, but hopefully you have plenty of time left as well. Also, you have no reason to regret posting anything here. This is the greatest forum in the world. There's a jerk here and there, but for the most part, everyone is very respectful.

Edit: I also just noticed we're neighbors. State neighbors anyway. I live in WV.

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but you do have my sympathy . I know how much depression svcks .


Actually, you've described a few of the main symptoms of clinical depression. Whether you do have it/have had it or not depends on the details and any other factors involved, but it may be worth your while to look into it.

I can only imagine how difficult that must feel. I don't have constant sickness or risk for Lupus but I do suffer from another major physical disorder. I know the feeling of struggling against it, as well as the ostracizing it brings by others. It's a horrible feeling lying alone feeling like you have no one there to help you. I wish there were some strategy I could relay to you, but sadly I don't have one. I just got through it, gritted my teeth, forced myself to get up the next morning and carry on with the hope that things'll improve. It takes a very long time, I still struggle with it, but things will and do get better, especially as you get older. In high school I thought the sadness, guilt and anger I felt constantly would never go away, but I've found that college does a remarkable job of nullifying high school drama and anxiety.

In the case of your sleeping, have you tried sleeping pills, I generally don't recommend them, but it's sometimes unavoidable. And as far as your depression goes, thre's not changing that. At my church someone once said that "the Lord has us go through life in our own way, and if part of that way requires that you take a pill to keep yourself healthy, then so be it, there is no shame in that." So there's no need to feel self-conscious about needing to take medication, or see a psychologist.

In any rate, I hope the best for you.

When I'm feeling down, I think of all the http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-agl0pOQfs in the world.

I see, based on what I said, how you could think I have depression, but I don't. I'm not really interested to find out if I have clinical depression. I wouldn't care if a doctor said I was depressed, I'm just not. I think about being insignificant and alone, but it doesn't bother me. I don't feel depressed because of it. I'm usually happy or bored, with anger here and there. I am very rarely sad. Death is the only thing that makes me sad. Not my death, but other people or even animals in my life. I guess I could explain my situation a little better. My feelings of insignificance are just a general belief. Everyone is insignificant compared to the known universe, not to mention the unknown. My being alone is more or less my choice. I could hang out with people. I can make friends. I just don't want to.

Thing is, you don't necessarily have to feel despondent. Losing interest in stuff you like also qualifies.

But, eh, this is a tangent :shrug:.

haven't read the whole topic, just the first post. now...

ah, but we do have a reason to care. maybe not everyone. but generally, people care. though maybe not always show it. in any case, sharing is caring(be it you with us or we with you), and i think we can share on your burdens. and in this care. and maybe help you "see the light" as you put it

a whole another point is this seeing of the light. instead of the dark. meaning, pay more attention to the day you must, and what goes on during the day. and not so much about what is going on during the night when these problems seem to come out. also, meaning seeing the good, good things(light) instead of the bad, bad things(dark). or at least more good if you can't seem to avoid thinking about the bad so much right now. exposing yourself too much to negative is never good. yes, it feels and seems justified as you are going through problem, true, and ignoring the bad is not what i mean. i mean take more of good in, think on good things, that you do have that are good. i'd say you need it more than you think.

I

in a bigger picture, that's part of your problem. sound like you already gave up on not getting lupus... this will only be an additional toll on you mentally. then physically, too, because even if it is only mental now, it will eventually be physical as well. i don't think other will agree with me on that, though. but it will be. if you have indeed already signed your own sentence, then it is a matter of time until you start acting on it, giving up on this or that that you think you may not be able to do because of this condition. i am going to say it will be some of what you actually like to do that you'll then be considering to be given up. and giving up what you like, that is never good. person minus fun things, especially fun things they like, equals bad. also, any medical condition kind of leaves one inclined to avoid regular exercise. which is never good, as it will be bad for the body. so yeah, this will lead you to letting it [your condition] get you down--get you down literally and figuratively speaking.

you may be used to dealing with it, but with this new addition, the old one(your disagreement with lupus) resurfaces and starts punishing you anew. it again adds it's own weigh to this new and obviously heavy problem. it's a retroactive "bonus", i guess, kind of. you say "used to dealing with it". in this wording a lot of meaning lies. it means you have not dealt with it. instead, desensitized yourself to it. or suppressed it. or repressed it. instead of ridding yourself of it. now, with this new issue popping up, what resources you used to manage the old one is now more and more go towards managing the new one. thus setting the old one free more and more. free to again punish you anew. sort of like an influx of bad. an influx that is probably, at least in part, behind the increase in anxiety and in lack of rest.

that you have depression and anxiety on the side, that for sure is not going to help when dealing what i just described. and vise versa, where what i just said might even make your depression and anxiety worse... so maybe i should not have said that. hm, i tried to help but made it worse. eh, i didn't mean to, sorry.

what you need is an influx of good. got to find something positive to think on. your bf. your family. your hobbies. parts of your life that are good. i don't mean ignoring the bad and sitting in your room all day telling yourself all is great, no(that's be lies to self, denial, and counterproductive to say the least). what i meas is shift of thinking, to concentrate more on the good. bad comes in without your thinking about it, from what you describe in your post. (where and why is also important, but that's a bit later.) so instead of dedicating this much of your thought to it, think more about the good things.


i am going to be standard here and say it's not about the night. more likely, it's about uncertainty. you said anxiety. well, darkness(which is what the night is often perceived to be, darkness(and then darkness brings over it's own negative load since darkness is often more and more associated with evil, harm, death)). this chain of thinking does not help make anxiety better, and may be even making it worse. radical transformation of way of thinking is needed here, one where night is no longer by this chain linked to the evil, to harm, to death. until this transformation of thinking takes place, night will imply helplessness(to an extent) and all those other down bringing things. something that someone with anxiety does not need it to feel more helpless, more of all those other bad things.

daytime, however, implies more control, something i think someone with anxiety would very much want. i's day that could be why you feel better and OK during the day, it implies more control as being available to you. i am going to again repeat myself and say you need to start looking more at day time, at what goes on during the day, the good things. i am not going to say avoid thinking about night(saying it like that is counterproductive, as it will keep you focus on the night, even though only to 'manage'), but i will say think more and more--more you can the better, more often the better, more longer the better--about the day. until you catch yourself one day thinking about the good more than about the bad. renew your thinking, more towards the positive things. keep at it until it is night and time difference(pun intended, yes) between how you think now(more about bad) and then(more about good). instead of how bad the night makes you feel, think more about how great your bf makes your life. and so on.

now, about these feeling of utterly alone, anxious and afraid. and where they come from.
consider this. you don't always think too much about where the annoying flies come from, do you? no, you probably just shoo them away. same here. shaking your fists at these won't help, much, as it will still keep you thinking about them. replacement. you said you tried music, etc. does that you mean you stopped trying it? well, then keep trying it. it did help at first, no? so keep trying it. maybe a different type of music. i can guarantee you that rock, metal, etc is not going to make you feel better in this case. neither will pop. country is a better choice, but it has some negative in it and, well, that may not be what you want. better that then rock or pop. dance, maybe, but again, it fuels the emotions in sometimes less than productive for this case ways. avoid Latin, too, unless you learned Latin and know what they are singing. but even if you do get the lyrics, music itself may be a problem too, just like shrapnel from the bullet casing does not belong in the heart and is not justified being there just because the explosives in the bullet didn't explode. i am probably going to get boo-ed for this, but i am going to say go with the classic choice: classic music. Moonlight Sonata, maybe? i don't know. something classical music. jazz, too. though not if it is leaning towards Blues. rap and or hip hop is not the best thing to go with, but better than rock i guess. sensual music is definitely not a good idea.

now, the feelings of being utterly alone, anxiety, and fear.
"utterly alone" is true how? not at all, i'd say, as you have family, bf, etc. so why believe lies that make you "feel" utterly alone? ignore it instead. just turn on the ignore function, sent them to the junk folder, hit deleted, whatever the metaphor. if that's hard, they get in contact with someone when this feeling hits. better yet, before it hits, if you can pinpoint when and how it hits. usually, you can pinpoint the times and conditions when these things strike, they follow predictable patterns. one obvious one is they strike at night. well, hm, go to sleep while it is still day-ish time(like, i don't know, 6-7 PM?). you may wake up earlier than sun up in the morning, but try anyway. i think it's easier to stay up a couple extra hours before sun up then not sleep at night at all. couple hours that can be spent with something positive that definitely catches your attention, emotions. something you can loose track of time doing because you enjoy it. then push you sleep cycle to where you go to sleep further and further into night time. like, 8 PM. then 9 PM. and so on. may take a while, but don't let it, or the slow progress, discourage you. even small progress is progress. even if it's only a minute pass 7. next time it may be two minutes pass 7. next time, three minutes. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say , but look at it now, beauty, no? was worth building it, even though the progress was slow and people who built it maybe didn't see it as worth it because it was going slow. think about the end goal though, you'll be able to go to sleep on time, wake up on time. you'll get to enjoy the fruit of your labor, the satisfaction of knowing you did it, even though it took time and effort . (btw, i hope all these made you smile, even if only on the inside .)(and smiles are contagious, so smile yourself, people will catch it, and then share it with you .)(you know what else? smile, it confused people ).

and anxiety and fear... i'll need to take that on another time, i need to get off the comp. and i don't really know what to say, frankly, i think that's better handled by your psychologist.

not like you feel, but we all have problems. i have issues with going to sleep in peace too. and with my sleep cycle out of whack(i usually go to sleep when it turns light or morerately light and wake up around 3 in the afternoon, sometimes later(as late as almost 5 in the afternoon) sometimes earlier(as early as i think around noon today)). then i don't sleep all 8 hours all the time. this all contributes to feeling tired and need of rest. and yes, sometimes i too cry before i feel better and go to sleep. so i guess i can relate somewhat.

again, don't give up on exercise, music, television, just talking with people. keep trying it. find something that really catches your attentions, and do it. especially if it is something creative, like painting or writing or writing or playing music or put on a show or something. maybe you roommates can put on a play? art contest? talent show? i don't know, something. something creative. doing something creative helps feel better.

we all have problems, no need to apologize. sharing your burdens is not a sin or fault. it's a sign of strength, even, as not everyone does get to where they do. i think i can speak for all and not just me when i say i understand, i don't mind some bad news is it means making someone feel better or if it means i can maybe help after they talk.

how close do you associate yourself wit your dog? do you call her things that might imply she is like you? i mean, like, "my [whatever]"? that "my" may be a huge problem, as it could be how you either transfer dog's fear of darkness to yourself or it could be building on, or adding to, your already existing discontent with the dark. when we feel close to someone, we enter their pain, share their burdens. and that's good, that's caring. but don't let theirs spill on to you, their become yours. don't mean you'll be afraid of the dark like your dog, but it could be one thing that does not serve you well. i don't suggest emotionally detaching yourself from the dog, but do watch what you take upon or on to yourself. especially when sympathizing with someone. taking it as yours may feel or look like noble or good or natural, but not to the point where it becomes yours. picking up and sharing on the pain is not the same as making it your own. don't make it yours.

If I'm ever feeling a bit miserable, a like to escape into a book for a bit. Pick something that will really svck you in, get a mug of something hot (maybe with a splash of Baileys if you're old enough), get your duvet on the sofa and time out for a bit.

Probably useless advice, but that's all I got. Hope you start to feel better soon.

you could drink a beer (ore more then one) after thet you can sleep nice

I get that way on Sunday's sometimes, but it's not been like that recently. But I know the feeling, for me though it's fear of death or my life blinking out and then that's the end of my story, just like that. Scares me if I think about it and on Sunday's I seem the most vulnerable, has something to do with going back to work I think.

Destructive behavior in dogs more commonly is a result of seperation anxiety. Dogs also have poor vision, but a superior sense of smell. Therefore, being afraid of the dark is a moot point. Perhaps it is not the abscence of light that is an issue, but what you percieve to be in it, or potentially in it.
Being as the entire purpose of a pet is companionship, having one that spends a large percent of it's time in a kennel is kind of pointless.
I'd suggest dog proofing your room, putting a dog bed in, some playthings of the dog's, and allowing the dog to sleep in your room at night, with the door closed, instead of in a kennel.
Aas for your anxiety attacks, if the meds your doctor prescribes aren't working, time to consider alternative meds or second opinions.

you need to improve your diet OP.

decrease processed junk, sugar, additives, sweets...

increase fruit, veg, green salad.

excersise wont hurt either.

seriously all those symptoms will dissolve if you eat healthier.

Watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Then get your daily dose of http://corgiaddict.com/

Can't feel sad when you have Pinkie Pie and corgis in your head.

I wasn't expecting this amount of response.. :unsure: I decided to wait until morning to write here when my mind was clearer.
@Arrow: Allergic to cats, haha.
@Nami: I know you're right, as I have been seeing someone for my issues for 5 years and had such issues for 10. However despite everything, improving my cognitive processes is near impossible feeling.
@Carrot: Thanks. Unfortunately it's progressed past that now. I used to have such nights where sure, I felt pretty bad.. and that lasted for years. But back then it was basically the entire day with no exclusives, and it wasn't as disheartening as this is. I think it's mostly because my mind is telling me all of these unrealistic, pessimistic things such as my death. I know it's normal to think about death. But my mind .. warps it into something where I actually feel like I'm going to die. It's strange because right now, I can easily rationalize against this but at other times, I simply cannot.
@Capital: Believe it or not, that helps more than what most people would think. Thank you.
@Steve: Indeed. I am definitely trying my hardest.. I've never been a particularly emotionally strong person when I'm alone. With people, I am very outgoing and happy, even. I'm usually great at staying calm and being the rational one. My worst enemy is my mind. I've been used to the LDR with my significant other, but it's particularly harsh on me this time because I started getting very sick once as he left. It makes being alone a bit harder, because my friends and family are the sort to text their sympathies rather than to visit me.
@Fortis: Thank you. I think that's also great advice, and I have tried journal-keeping before. I have a notebook I use for writing stories (historical fiction is my "calling"), and I can surely make use of a few blank pages.
@Argonian: I never really thought about it that way, as I always preferred apathy over feeling like this, but you're also definitely right.. I have had my times where I turn to how you described, and I see that I wasn't any happier then than I am now.. and probably even worse off back then.
Heh, yes and I've been to WV quite some times. I've seen a lot of.. interesting characters there, but when you know where to look, it's almost a utopia nature-wise. I'm pretty close to DC so bring in the traffic and same old routine every day.
@Samildanach: Thank you kindly. I'm always hesitant to mention "oh I have ___ ___ and ____" because it seems so petty and attention-seeking. It's also not that uncommon of a disease, but I think people who don't have it fail to see the lows it brings. A lot of it for me has come from childhood. A range of people have taken a [censored] on me since I was 6 (figuratively, though I suppose that would scar, too.. oh god my jokes are pathetic now). I guess I was too young to face them and grew up ignoring it and letting it grow.
@Manuel: A lengthy read.. I'd annoy everyone to death if I replied to all that. Hopefully you're satisfied with my gratitude.
Since there was only one specifically direct question, I consider my dog a best friend. I don't rely on her however, and she isn't a particularly cuddly pug. But playing with her will always cheer me up. She's almost 10 but a complete clown and the sweetest thing. I've had her for quite some time, and we have a nice companionship. But really what it comes down to is, she wants me to play and feed her, I want to just pet her and take her on walks, etc. She mostly cares about the food though a miracle she isn't fat.
@Chineapplepunk: Oh no worries.. I read a lot and it can help in some cases. I just have to be very selective with the genre and plotline (so I usually have to read something I've already read) so it doesn't disturb me more. I tend to read things on a bit of a darker side, so..
@Jemand: How do you think I spent the night when I wrote the thread? Haha.
@BoonProtR3: I could definitely see that. I know way too many people who have more than just the typical dread for work the next morning.
@Mamagato: Ah well my dog probably gets it from me. I realize, but she finds comfort in it and I spend the whole day with her when I can. When I work, she'll be out on her own or watched. She's never shown any signs of anxiety in my absence, at least. She's spent nights in my room, sure. Dog bed would be pointless, as she would refuse anything but the best and demand to be on my bed in the most comfy spot. Gotta love that dog.
I've been on so many medications over the years I'm not really into relying on them anymore. I went through the more typical ones.. prozac, zoloft, etc. I've taken probably 12 different kinds by now, having a psychiatrist prescribe me such meds since 9 years or so. I usually give them six months to a year to work, but many I have to cut short because I've experienced terrible allergies, terrible side effects, you name it. I'm trying to recover in a way without medication.

I'm going to try to avoid down-talking myself for once in my closing.. so I'll just say thank you to those who wrote here.

Edit:

I'm actually a very healthy person. While I'm curvy, I am not overweight and I have good eating habits. Though I'm vegetarian, I take vitamins and supplements where there are holes in my nutrition. The only "sweets" I eat are fruit. A few years back I basically knocked all candy out for dried fruit, mm. Physical health is really important to me, regardless of what's going on in my head. I exercise at least 30 minutes daily with 10 minutes of brisk cardio, and these times extend to an hour or 90 minutes. Of course I'm not doing as well now since I've been sick, but I am still eating well. I've always had a slow metabolism which basically made me want to take these actions. I've learned a lot of tricks over the years and am finally getting to where I want to be.

Now if only I could fix my face.. :facepalm:

Have you been seeing the same doctors for the past 10 years? Maybe it's time to try different ones or a different approach.There are alot of new meds on the market today.I know they aren't fun but sometimes they are necessary.Things like chemical imbalances need meds to get things on the right track.As far as your problems with the night,I work in a nursing home and I realize you're only 21 but we have this thing called "sundowning".As the sun goes down our guys get very anxious and sometimes the behaviors can be over the top.As far as the dog if you are anxious at night he will pick up on that no matter how hard you try to hide it.What do you do with your down time?I can't remember if you said if you work or are in school but have you tried volunteering somewhere.It could do alot for your self esteem and take your mind off of your problems for awhile.Whatever you do don't give up and we will be here whenever you need to talk.

Nope, I've switched and been through five now.

I know. I'm a student right now. When the semesters are over I'm usually painting, writing or doing something outside. I don't really sit around all day unless I'm sick. And actually funny you mention it, because I have an orientation later this month for a volunteer group that I'll be participating in.

Thanks for the insight.

Well I work that night actually and I like going to work. I think it's just I become emotionally vulnerable at those times for whatever reason. Which is what sounds like is happening to you. How I battle it is..I target what's usually bothering me with something that's opposite of it. Me and you seem to have the same fears about death haha, cause I get just like you said as well..thinking that I'm gonna die right there. It's horrible but I'm able to combat it at least. It's very important to try and take hold of yourself mentally and force your mind to occupy other things. But it's also a challenge and I'm not sure how to do it, work helped me a lot, takes away all my time so when I do get like that I can jump into video games or a movie or something and those thoughts go away (usually, but not always). I should mention it only really happens when I'm alone. So maybe that's one way to combat it, have something there with you.