Stupidest guard quote ever : V - Skyrim

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:06 am

It's not a guard quote, but it made me slam my head against the corner of a wall hoping for a coma.

I'm in Quicksilver Mine.

I'm in the process of mining ore. Female miner wanders past me, stops, looks right at my character and says:

"Here to mine some ore?"

...

My character looked at her and (in true Socratic method) asked her:

"How are you breathing without assistance?"

made me think of http://youtu.be/HkjLT1-jsM4

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:52 am

"Let me guess, someone stole your sweetroll..."

I just slayed a dragon in front of his eyes and saved the entire village -.-

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:11 pm

I love this:

"Psst, I know who you are. Hail Sithis!"

Three seconds later...

"I heard rumors about dark tidings in Dawnstar. You wouldn't have anything to do with it, would you?"

Yo dawg, I heard you like messing with the Listener of the Dark Brotherhood. So I decapitated you.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:22 am

There's only one thing that actually gets the hair on the back of my neck to rise -
ANYTHING that Maven Black Briar says.

Plllleeeeeeeeeeeez, pleez pleez, let the Expansion provide an option to chop off her head......................

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:59 pm

I had just to LOL at a Windhelm guard. He said the most absurd thing I've heard in the game so far. Can't remember the exact words but it was pretty much this:

"You're like me, elf. Don't like those cumbersome two-handed weapons."

Guess what weapon he was carrying? :blink:

every time I've ever heard the Guards say that, they always had a Two-handed Weapon on their back. o.o

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:20 am

this is why guards are absolutely fail ingame. Also, if i was attacked by 3 hired thugs and guards are present, they did not do their duty to defend me even though i may be

Spoiler

the thane of that city etc

.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:07 pm

I had just to LOL at a Windhelm guard. He said the most absurd thing I've heard in the game so far. Can't remember the exact words but it was pretty much this:

"You're like me, elf. Don't like those cumbersome two-handed weapons."

Guess what weapon he was carrying? :blink:

To be fair, just because hes using it doesn't mean he likes it. It could be military issue and so has to use it. Have you never said you didnt like something while doing that thing?

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:06 am

*In the middle of town*

Spoiler

"HEY! I know who you are! HAIL SITHIS, MR. DARK BROTHERHOOD MEMBER WHO KILLS PEOPLE FOR MONEY AND ENJOYMENT!!!!!!"

Pretty much the same effect as the guard's actual line. Very loud with that

Spoiler

Hail Sithis...

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:43 pm

Not a guard, but equally stupid: There is a side quest in Solitude where the proprietor of the clothing shop wants you to wear their outfit while talking to the Jarl. This will get them notable recognition and boost their sales. The opening dialogue states that you would be better off wearing their garments rather than the trashy rags you are currently wearing. That dialogue continues even after you are wearing THEIR outfit!

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:54 pm

" Psst, I know who you are... Hail Sithis..."
I follow this guard and do away with the lose lipped bugger in a dark secluded corner and in the most bloody way. LOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!!!!!!!!!! :swear:

Another good one is on my Nord toon, guard " If I catch your hand in my pocket.... I'll cut it off!! " two seconds later next to Belethor's shop... " Hail kinsman " :blink:

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 4:17 pm

this is why guards are absolutely fail ingame. Also, if i was attacked by 3 hired thugs and guards are present, they did not do their duty to defend me even though i may be

Spoiler

the thane of that city etc

.

I KNOW !!!! The first time thugs approached me I was killed waiting for the guards to save me, on the reload I slaughtered the three thugs and how ever many guards that where out side, then I looted all bodies and dumped em in the river :devil:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:47 am

"I need to ask you stop. That... shouting... is making people nervous"
"You come talking to me wearing Imperial armor? You got stew for brains?"
"Go fiddling with any locks around here, we're going to have a real problem."
"Don't think you can barter with me like I'm one of those damned shopkeepers."

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:12 am

Know what I just found out while poking things with the CK?

They were supposed to *NOT* say they out-of-place "clunky two handed weapons" if they had such a weapon. The conditional comparisons were wrong.

It was testing for "GetWeaponAnimType == 5 (and 6)", which meant that those conditions would actually succeed and allow the guard to say the line if they had twohanders.

What they should have done is make them != 5 or 6.

Derp.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:33 pm

"The best offense is a good defence, right"

And I always go, "No, You have that backwards."

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:59 pm

"Is that.... is that fur? Coming out of your ears?" The problem with the guard saying that to me is that I'm playing as an Argonian, who has no visible ears. :confused:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:07 am

I had just to LOL at a Windhelm guard. He said the most absurd thing I've heard in the game so far. Can't remember the exact words but it was pretty much this:

"You're like me, elf. Don't like those cumbersome two-handed weapons."

Guess what weapon he was carrying? :blink:

Not a 2h one. Those dialogue topics all have conditions that prevent anyone with the mentioned weapon from saying it. Unless whoever input the dialogue forgot a line. :tongue:

Know what I just found out while poking things with the CK?

They were supposed to *NOT* say they out-of-place "clunky two handed weapons" if they had such a weapon. The conditional comparisons were wrong.

It was testing for "GetWeaponAnimType == 5 (and 6)", which meant that those conditions would actually succeed and allow the guard to say the line if they had twohanders.

What they should have done is make them != 5 or 6.

Derp.

Pretty much this.

Derp.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:38 am

They keep telling me to make mead. No. I'll just let Lugosi say it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-6XxF2Ul2g

Skooma > Honey Wine

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:17 am

I KNOW !!!! The first time thugs approached me I was killed waiting for the guards to save me, on the reload I slaughtered the three thugs and how ever many guards that where out side, then I looted all bodies and dumped em in the river :devil:

First time I killed thugs in a city I got rather fun comments afterwards, though, as I was dumping the bodies in the graveyard (this was in Falkreath). One said "staying out of trouble?" as I came dragging a body, another asked if someone stole my sweetroll. Good timing, there, I think...

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:38 am

They keep telling me to make mead. No. I'll just let Lugosi say it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-6XxF2Ul2g

Skooma > Honey Wine

Well you're in luck, since mead != wine.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:13 pm

There's only one thing that actually gets the hair on the back of my neck to rise -
ANYTHING that Maven Black Briar says.

Plllleeeeeeeeeeeez, pleez pleez, let the Expansion provide an option to chop off her head......................

Seconded, thirded and fourth'd!!! That is the most vile npc I have ever met! I never thought I could actually really hate an NPC, but she proved me wrong.

I am getting real tired of...

'Wait a minute, I know who you are....'

Me: 'No you don't!' *disappears*

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:43 am

once when i was walking around in whiterun a guard said to me "Favor the bow ey? i'm a sword man myself", but my character had a sword and shield equiped and 100 one handed skill and 30 archery

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:53 am

''Hands to yourself, sneak thief.''
But...but i did not even sneaked or anything. I just wanted a nice random conversation with you. :stare:

''Is that fur coming out of your ears?''
Said to me while i am a Khajiit, who naturally has fur in their ears.

''Maybe i'm the dragonborn, and i just don't know it yet.''
Said to me after the big news came that a new dragonborn has been revealed.

''I used to be an adventurer like you, but then i took an arrow to the knee.''
I don't think i need to explain this one.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:29 am

Makes me wonder if we had any annoying guard quotes in oblivion?

I've played oblivion much less than skyrim so my opinion probably wouldnt carry much weight. All i remember is that i loved the STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!!!!11!!

Its so...guard-ish. Skyrim's guards are like some dimwitted fools who've spent all day in well or something.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:30 am

"Is that.........fur coming out of your ears?"

This... when im a khajjit. :facepalm:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:49 am

"Dont think you can barter with me like a damned shopkeeper" to which i reply "Are you selling something? Skooma perhaps?"