Stupidest guard quote ever : V

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:21 pm

I had just to LOL at a Windhelm guard. He said the most absurd thing I've heard in the game so far. Can't remember the exact words but it was pretty much this:

"You're like me, elf. Don't like those cumbersome two-handed weapons."

Guess what weapon he was carrying? :blink:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:34 am

The one about the cousin who's out fighting dragons ("and what do I get? Guard duty!") is extremely stupid if the complaining guard just slayed a dragon...

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 7:50 pm

The one about the cousin who's out fighting dragons ("and what do I get? Guard duty!") is extremely stupid if the complaining guard just slayed a dragon...

Thing is, you're the only one actively fighting dragons, so he's calling you cousin, and whining about it.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:18 pm

In before someone quotes "arrow to the knee"

Anyway, one quote i found annoying was "Hail, summoner. Conjure me up a nice warm bed, would you?"

For the life of me, i couldnt decide if the guard was being outrageously sarcastic or just plain dumb.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:00 am

There is also a guard in Windhelm that says "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I got a sword in the chest." My thought was "why are you still alive?".

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 6:17 am

What is it? Dragons?

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:50 am

I was really surprised to hear a new one in Windhelm from a guard. It was something about an Orc Stronghold being an affront to everyone or every Nord, can't remember. I just had never heard it before. :tes:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 7:43 am

In before someone quotes "arrow to the knee" :smile:

Anyway, one quote i found annoying was "Hail, summoner. Conjure me up a nice warm bed, would you?"

For the life of me, i couldnt decide if the guard was being outrageously sarcastic or just plain dumb.

If you were role-playing as Clint Eastwood in any spagetti western, you could conjure a coffin and respond, "here's one"... when he turns to look at it and the wheels start churning in his head put a bullet in his brain (or cast a paralyze spell then nail the lid shut).

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 12:32 am

I find it dumb when in Windhelm or any Stormcloak allied city the guards will say " They say Ulfric Stormcloak MURDERED the high king... etc."

My point is if your following Ulfric would you really think it was murder ? Isnt that what got Roggvir in trouble ?

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:18 am

At least they aren't commenting on your alchemy skill with their psychic guard powers.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:04 am

At least they aren't commenting on your alchemy skill with their psychic guard powers.

better than randomly saying to an adventurer wearing a heavy armor and sword'n'board: "i have a lot of respect for the school of restoration. skyrim could need more healers"

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:47 pm

"Let me guess.... somebody stole your sweetroll. Ack." Death.......

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 3:35 am

It's not a guard quote, but it made me slam my head against the corner of a wall hoping for a coma.

I'm in Quicksilver Mine.

I'm in the process of mining ore. Female miner wanders past me, stops, looks right at my character and says:

"Here to mine some ore?"

...

My character looked at her and (in true Socratic method) asked her:

"How are you breathing without assistance?"

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:55 pm

"You're the one who casts those illusions. Impressive." Restoration, Enchanting, Alchemy, Speechcraft, Destruction, One handed all at 100, Illusion at 29, and that was from reading books.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:22 pm

When they are all like "Psst. hey. I know who you are. Hail Sithis!"

To this day, I am not sure if they are serious or just being sarcastic.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:08 pm

"Watch the skies, traveler" when you've been slaying dragons all day.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:49 am

"The best offense is a good defence, right"

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:39 am

It's a toss-up between:

"I heard about you and your honeyed words"

Who the *&@! talks like that? Ugh. Makes me cringe.

"Is that.........fur coming out of your ears?"

Er..... I'm wearing a HELMET you moron! You can't SEE my ears!

And then the threats about throwing you in jail if you step out of line - and you're the Jarl's THANE for pity's sake! You'd think there would be some kind of change in their dialogue. I did notice, however, that when you have the Mace of Molag Bal as your readied weapon, they don't like it and tell you to keep it away from them. lol!

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 2:57 am

The guards are very stupid sometimes.

The sweetroll one is just moronic and senseless.

The arrow to the knee crap, why the hell did they put that it. Since when did getting shot in the knee stop you adventuring.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 5:01 pm

Strange Quotes: "If those Whiterun guards can take down a dragon, so can we." - Whiterun Guard

Annoying Quotes:
"The Gods gave you two hands and you use them both for your weapon. I respect that." - Riften Guard, said to a Nord mage that read one too many Two-Handed skill books.

"Imagine, blowing up an entire town. Damn college... Winterhold will never be the same." - Windhelm Guard, it annoys me because I dislike conspiracy theories.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 8:59 pm

"So you're one of the companions, eh? What do you do? Fetch their mead?" When I'm the harbringer I just pull out my greatsword decapitate them, and then pay the fine.

» Wed Jun 13, 2012 6:48 pm

I love that one when youre waiting in Whiterun to go and kill the first dragon at the watchtower, and one guard turns to the other and goes "we're so dead"

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 4:23 am

I love that one when youre waiting in Whiterun to go and kill the first dragon at the watchtower, and one guard turns to the other and goes "we're so dead"

What makes it even funnier is the guard that says it is the only one wearing http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FacelessGoons.

Spoiler

Yes, I just linked to TV Tropes. I am evil. :evil:

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:29 am

It's not about a guard, but it's the same idea...

I was out and about with Lydia one time. We went into the cave and found it filled with vampires. We went through, killed them all, looted their corpses and stole their treasure. When the place is cleaned out, we leave. And right as we step outside, Lydia says...

"Look, a cave. I wonder what's inside."

They really need to improve how they determine what NPCs say and when. There are nowhere near enough conditional markers for them.

» Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:22 am

I had just to LOL at a Windhelm guard. He said the most absurd thing I've heard in the game so far. Can't remember the exact words but it was pretty much this:

"You're like me, elf. Don't like those cumbersome two-handed weapons."

Guess what weapon he was carrying? :blink:

Maybe he was stuck with using that weapon from the armoury?