Trying to become more social : Othor Games

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:58 pm

Society is just a bunch of people.
By that logic, if I surround myself with a number like-minde people, I'm a very sociable guy. ^^

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:16 pm

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

This. I too do better talking to people online. I'm very awkward in person. Half the time I don't know what to say to people.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:56 pm

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

You're really not.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:17 pm

Envision yourself texting everything you say, sounds like you have a problem being face to face with people, so try imagining yourself behind a screen when talking.

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

Some of the worst advice Ive heard in a while.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:01 am

try drinking, drunk people usually cant shut up, (joke answer)

serously, i'm not that social either, just smile, simple hellos can lead to friendly conversations. Don't think about what your going say to much, overthinking things doesnt help any. Joke alot, people like funny people...just don't overdue and be annoying

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:22 am

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

AGREED. I'm in some ivy league college (I hate it here) but I owe it all to being anti social. If the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world! It took me a few years, but I learned to hate everyone.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 6:35 pm

Which has led to you being an incredibly socially awkward person who's idea of fun would make a Franciscan Monk claw his face off in boredom, no doubt.

I really don't get the 'yay lets all be social rejects' argument. Being someone who is actually quite similar to the OP in that I find conversation in large groups difficult and annoying, normally I barely talk, especially if I don't know most of the people in that group, but going 'yeah just give up and act like a social [censored]' seems both counter-intuitive and idiotic. Social situations are part and parcel of life, and being good at them is pretty essential unless you plan to live like Robinson Crusoe on some rock in the Pacific Ocean, so good on the OP for wanting to improve.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:48 pm

Some of the worst advice Ive heard in a while.

Hopefully it was just a joke...

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:54 am

I had that problem too, in the past.

What I did was to slowly, over time, stop giving a [censored] about what others thought and just did or said the things I wanted. And I also started thinking of myself as awesome (which I am

)

And even though it sounds really cruel, I decided to think that I am better than other people and that they svck

Although that's nothing you should say out loud really, just keep that to yourself if you find it helpful. Never boast about how cool you think you are. It's all being confident that what you do is the right thing! If you are, other people will think that you are awesome too, eventually

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:00 am

Drinking works, for me.

No idea how the actual mechanics of converation works. Common interests I guess.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 6:40 am

You know, I used to be a shy introvert as well. I didn't speak with a lot of people and mostly kept to myself, but I too had a desire to "get out there" and become a social being. If you feel like you are weird or have any other negative feelings about yourself then that's the first thing you need to overcome. You need to feel good about yourself before you try to do something like this.

You're actually right on track. It's only natural that you're having some trouble keeping a conversation going, but just keep talking and commenting on things. If you ever feel nervous about saying something then take it as a sign that it's a "fear" you have to overcome.

You will get better at it if you keep trying.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:41 pm

Me? :unsure:

More social? :blink:

Is the universe really ready for this? :ahhh:

-because I've out-Homer'ed Homer, ya know. :celebration:

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 11:34 am

Apparently. I talk too much.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 7:49 pm

Can I ask how old you are?

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 12:09 pm

I had that problem too, in the past.

What I did was to slowly, over time, stop giving a [censored] about what others thought and just did or said the things I wanted. And I also started thinking of myself as awesome (which I am

)

And even though it sounds really cruel, I decided to think that I am better than other people and that they svck

Although that's nothing you should say out loud really, just keep that to yourself if you find it helpful. Never boast about how cool you think you are. It's all being confident that what you do is the right thing! If you are, other people will think that you are awesome too, eventually

I second this. I did exactly the same thing and now everybody loves me

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:22 pm

1 on 1 I can hold a conversation but when its a group my mouth and conversation skills just shut off.

I can't think of anything to say or how to get the conversation back on.

Annoying.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 6:45 am

Interestingly enough, I was very social all throughout high school, and now that I'm at university I've found myself becoming less social. Fancy that.

But I would recommend being yourself whenever you can around others, trying to find common interests, and just not losing hope if you want to come out of your shell. If you're always yourself, then you know that the people who you've made friends with actually like you rather than whatever you pretend to be.

There are now 7 billion people in the world. I'm pretty sure a few are like you.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 3:24 pm

It's a skill you build out of practice. Not many are born with the ability.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 8:11 am

EDIT: REAL POST HERE.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 2:51 pm

I don't know how to make friends but maybe you should poke people in the eye. That could help :blush:

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 2:08 pm

It's your fault for not being social. But at least you're not being a [censored] about it.

People who are anti-social usually tend to blame others before blaming themselves.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:35 am

It's your fault for not being social. But at least you're not being a [censored] about it.

People who are anti-social usually tend to blame others before blaming themselves.

This. A surprising amount of people will say stuff like "nobody ever talks to me" or "nobody ever listens to me"...when really, they're the one's not making an effort.

I'll bore you with my background, as I reckon it'll help...bear in mind, it's very personal and I barely ever talk about it (no-one knows me on here really, so it's cool):

Spoiler

Back at school, in 'Reception' (your Kindergarden, or '1st grade'), I had black teeth...I couldn't drink milk as a child, so my Mum gave me Ribena in a bottle (back then, there weren't warnings on the side like there are now!). Suffice to say, it rotted my teeth horrendously, and I didn't have a white tooth in my mouth. I was shunned, as kids can be cruel...and seeing someone with different-coloured teeth isn't something that happens every day. This went on for a year or so, going into school and not speaking to a single soul, besides the teacher...there were names, but mostly I was just ignored. At times, I wished they'd call me names, so I knew they could actually see me. Anywho, when I was 6, my mum (dad had gone by then) managed to get me into the hospital to have all my teeth removed (dentist wouldn't do it, had to be put under). I was excited, figuring that people would start talking to me if I wasn't a freak. Of course, it didn't turn out that way.

I was just as weird as I had been before. I had no teeth at all, for ages! People called me gummy bear, and it went from simple shunning to pretty aggravated bullying...boys can get kinda physical at that age (I was one of the shortest in the year too!). Unfortunately, that carried on...nobody to play with at school, no-one to see outside of school...not one person to call a 'friend'. I was disruptive at school, as I was bored. For the other kids it was fun, and they were learning, but I was doing neither. Being on her own, my mum was terrified of everyone seeing me as the typical 'kid of a single mum' (trust me, there's a stigma). So she made sure I could read, write and do maths before I even started school. I had a Dad that hated me, teachers that hated me, kids that hated me...even my sister! I had no-one (I'm not writing this as a sob story by the way, so don't think that...there's a big point to this!)

Unfortunately, by the time my teeth had grown and I was, for all intents and purposes, 'normal', it didn't matter...by that time, names and stigma's had stuck. Teachers had given up on me, and kids had all formed their own groups of friends. Every day, during the 2 breaks and Lunchtime, I sat in the corner of the field on my own, doing maths in my head and wondering why everyone hated me. When I was eleven, I started growing rapidly...in the next 3 years, I'd grow to be the tallest in the year (by a country mile!). Then the physical bullying stopped, due to me being bigger than them. I still had no friends though.

Then one day, I was sitting down, doing the same thing I'd done for the last 10 years of my school life, and my sister came up to me. She was 4 years younger, so only 10, and she was with a big group of friends. They'd come to laugh at me. Then she said the one sentence I'll never forget - "You're pathetic! If I turned out like you, I think I'd kill myself! You're nothing, and if anyone asks, we aren't related!" My own younger sister felt that way...and it opened my eyes! The problem was me, not anyone else. So I watched a guy called Callum, the most popular guy in the year...when I say watched, I basically stalked him at school. Looked at how all his friends acted around him, and compiled a kind of psychological profile of him in my head (course, I didn't really know that's what I was doing back then, but I was). I watched it every day for around 6 months! Then one day I bit the bullet and talked to him. Remembering how everyone else acted around him, I mimicked the kind of person that I figured he'd want me to be...and it worked! We got talking, and that afternoon at break I was playing football with the cool kids. Couldn't believe it worked and, at the age of 14, I had my first friend. I did the same thing with a couple of other people and, within days, I had a couple more friends. I got addicted to making friends.

When I was about 15, and rising to popularity, I realised that I was feeling nothing. All the happiness, excitement, pleasure, warmth and courage that I had in my life didn't actually belong to me...they belonged to all my different personalities! The real me felt nothing at all! I won't go into it here, but it got to the point that all the real me could feel was pain, which didn't feel like a bad thing at the time! It felt great actually!

The problem was, I could only be social 1 on 1...I was terrible with groups of people, because I didn't know who to be. The real me had zero friends...the fake me that was friends with Callum was only friends with Callum. I basically had a different personality, or version, for each person I knew! In the ensuing year, I went on to actually become the most popular kid in school, and remained that way until I left when I was 16, to go to another school. The next school I joined, I was the most popular kid within a couple of months of joining, simply by doing what I'd done at the old school.

Now out of school, I have a very active social life and it's mainly because I'm a chameleon...I meet people, I cold read them and make an educated guess as to the type of person they'd befriend...and then go into my 'acting mode'. 99% of the time, I'm right, and I've made another friend. All happy days, right? Wrong...I now have absolutely no idea who I am as a person...it's screwed with my self-worth, and self-confidence. I can stink of confidence when I go out, but inside I'm a quivering wreck...it's got to the point where I'm no longer scared of spiders, snakes, heights...I'm just terrified that everybody will the see the person I really am, and hate him! After all, the REAL me has never had a friend, even after 20 years! My biggest fear = being alone again.

I realise this may look like an obnoxious, attention-seeking post, but it really isn't...I just hate to think that somebody could potentially go through what I have, and if I have to look like an idiot on a forum to stop that, then so be it...I'm an idiot.

Basically, go out and watch people (not creepily like I did) and see how they interact with each other, and how they portray confidence. So long as you imitate their methods, rather than them, you'll be fine.

The most important thing, and I can't stress this enough, is don't make the same mistakes that I did...REMAIN TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE! Be yourself! By all means, fake a bit of confidence now and then, everyone does it. But don't try to be anyone but you! You'll only spend your life keeping up appearances and lying to everybody. Hell, I ruined a 3 year relationship because was somebody I wasn't. I'm way past the point of no return on that one, so please take my advice there.

Good luck, and I hope you can learn from my mistakes...and just remember, a group of 3 or 4 close friends is way more important than being able to walk anywhere an pick up tonnes of 'surface' friends.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 1:46 pm

It's your fault for not being social. But at least you're not being a [censored] about it.

People who are anti-social usually tend to blame others before blaming themselves.

Agreed. I do this all the time and am probably the best at it too. Absolutely fantastic! Remarkable, really.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 4:40 pm

I'll bore you with my background, as I reckon it'll help...bear in mind, it's very personal and I barely ever talk about it (no-one knows me on here really, so it's cool):

Spoiler

Back at school, in 'Reception' (your Kindergarden, or '1st grade'), I had black teeth...I couldn't drink milk as a child, so my Mum gave me Ribena in a bottle (back then, there weren't warnings on the side like there are now!). Suffice to say, it rotted my teeth horrendously, and I didn't have a white tooth in my mouth. I was shunned, as kids can be cruel...and seeing someone with different-coloured teeth isn't something that happens every day. This went on for a year or so, going into school and not speaking to a single soul, besides the teacher...there were names, but mostly I was just ignored. At times, I wished they'd call me names, so I knew they could actually see me. Anywho, when I was 6, my mum (dad had gone by then) managed to get me into the hospital to have all my teeth removed (dentist wouldn't do it, had to be put under). I was excited, figuring that people would start talking to me if I wasn't a freak. Of course, it didn't turn out that way.

I was just as weird as I had been before. I had no teeth at all, for ages! People called me gummy bear, and it went from simple shunning to pretty aggravated bullying...boys can get kinda physical at that age (I was one of the shortest in the year too!). Unfortunately, that carried on...nobody to play with at school, no-one to see outside of school...not one person to call a 'friend'. I was disruptive at school, as I was bored. For the other kids it was fun, and they were learning, but I was doing neither. Being on her own, my mum was terrified of everyone seeing me as the typical 'kid of a single mum' (trust me, there's a stigma). So she made sure I could read, write and do maths before I even started school. I had a Dad that hated me, teachers that hated me, kids that hated me...even my sister! I had no-one (I'm not writing this as a sob story by the way, so don't think that...there's a big point to this!)

Unfortunately, by the time my teeth had grown and I was, for all intents and purposes, 'normal', it didn't matter...by that time, names and stigma's had stuck. Teachers had given up on me, and kids had all formed their own groups of friends. Every day, during the 2 breaks and Lunchtime, I sat in the corner of the field on my own, doing maths in my head and wondering why everyone hated me. When I was eleven, I started growing rapidly...in the next 3 years, I'd grow to be the tallest in the year (by a country mile!). Then the physical bullying stopped, due to me being bigger than them. I still had no friends though.

Then one day, I was sitting down, doing the same thing I'd done for the last 10 years of my school life, and my sister came up to me. She was 4 years younger, so only 10, and she was with a big group of friends. They'd come to laugh at me. Then she said the one sentence I'll never forget - "You're pathetic! If I turned out like you, I think I'd kill myself! You're nothing, and if anyone asks, we aren't related!" My own younger sister felt that way...and it opened my eyes! The problem was me, not anyone else. So I watched a guy called Callum, the most popular guy in the year...when I say watched, I basically stalked him at school. Looked at how all his friends acted around him, and compiled a kind of psychological profile of him in my head (course, I didn't really know that's what I was doing back then, but I was). I watched it every day for around 6 months! Then one day I bit the bullet and talked to him. Remembering how everyone else acted around him, I mimicked the kind of person that I figured he'd want me to be...and it worked! We got talking, and that afternoon at break I was playing football with the cool kids. Couldn't believe it worked and, at the age of 14, I had my first friend. I did the same thing with a couple of other people and, within days, I had a couple more friends. I got addicted to making friends.

When I was about 15, and rising to popularity, I realised that I was feeling nothing. All the happiness, excitement, pleasure, warmth and courage that I had in my life didn't actually belong to me...they belonged to all my different personalities! The real me felt nothing at all! I won't go into it here, but it got to the point that all the real me could feel was pain, which didn't feel like a bad thing at the time! It felt great actually!

The problem was, I could only be social 1 on 1...I was terrible with groups of people, because I didn't know who to be. The real me had zero friends...the fake me that was friends with Callum was only friends with Callum. I basically had a different personality, or version, for each person I knew! In the ensuing year, I went on to actually become the most popular kid in school, and remained that way until I left when I was 16, to go to another school. The next school I joined, I was the most popular kid within a couple of months of joining, simply by doing what I'd done at the old school.

Now out of school, I have a very active social life and it's mainly because I'm a chameleon...I meet people, I cold read them and make an educated guess as to the type of person they'd befriend...and then go into my 'acting mode'. 99% of the time, I'm right, and I've made another friend. All happy days, right? Wrong...I now have absolutely no idea who I am as a person...it's screwed with my self-worth, and self-confidence. I can stink of confidence when I go out, but inside I'm a quivering wreck...it's got to the point where I'm no longer scared of spiders, snakes, heights...I'm just terrified that everybody will the see the person I really am, and hate him! After all, the REAL me has never had a friend, even after 20 years! My biggest fear = being alone again.

I realise this may look like an obnoxious, attention-seeking post, but it really isn't...I just hate to think that somebody could potentially go through what I have, and if I have to look like an idiot on a forum to stop that, then so be it...I'm an idiot.

Seems to me that 1) You take yourself too seriously, being so introspective only leads to 2) Misconceptions about yourself and others. You realize that everybody goes into 'actor mode'. We treat different people differently. 3)Friends. You use the word so lightly. I believe what you mean are acquaintances. Those aren't friends. 4)Finally, the confusion about who you are is nothing new. It's normal for people to feel that way. To think you truly know who you are is, in my opinion, delusional. People change over time, if your mind and circumstances were static it would be another story; though I doubt even someone in a coma knows who they are.

» Thu Dec 08, 2011 9:18 pm

Spoiler

Water and towels | and welcoming speech
Should he find who comes, to the feast;
If renown he would get, | and again be greeted,
Wisely and well must he act.

A man shall not boast | of his keenness of mind,
But keep it close in his briast;
To the silent and wise | does ill come seldom
When he goes as guest to a house;
(For a faster friend | one never finds
Than wisdom tried and true.)

The knowing guest | who goes to the feast,
In silent attention sits;
With his ears he hears, | with his eyes he watches,
Thus wary are wise men all.

In my experience, people who try to be more social / outgoing usually end up coming across as stupid / annoying. The amount that you talk right now? That's probably roughly equal to the amount of worthwhile things you have to say (right now). Before you can become more social, you have to become more aware of yourself and others. Watch. Figure out what it is about yourself that people enjoy. Figure out what it is about other people that your friends enjoy. Look for openings, and feel free to pass a few up. Hang out in groups - the more people there are, the more you can observe. Nobody (yourself included) will really have a bad time if you're just being a little naturally quiet. People (yourself included) will really have a bad time if you're being annoying and making a lot of forced interjections.

A few universal tips:

Be nice / appreciative. You're invited to someone's home? Compliment it. Someone says something intentionally hilarious? Point it out, not just immediately after, but during some future lull in conversation. You have a good time hanging out with someone? Thank them for the experience.

Become physically more pleasant to be around. Whenever you hang out with someone face-to-face, you're bringing your body with you. It would be rude to carry around a rotting pig carcass. Shower. Use nice-smelling deodorant. If possible, get in better shape. Dress nice, in a way that compliments your features. Comb your hair. Put a little effort into conditioning yourself to enunciate and speak at a pleasant register. Don't slouch.

Be openly attentive. There are certain things that don't actually increase your awareness, but make it look like you're more engaged. Do these things. When someone has reached the central point of their statement, lean forward and put your hand on your chin. Also, if you see that someone has some need, volunteer to meet it in a way that doesn't involve personal sacrifice of any kind. Don't become somebody's punk, don't lose respect, but be considerate. This is also a great way to avoid feeling awkwardly silent. Sick of just sitting there quietly? Notice that some people's drinks are running low? Finish your beverage off, and volunteer to head off and fetch the next round.

Engage in semi-social activities. By this, I mean things that can be social but don't need to be social. If you're, say, playing a card game or repairing a car or raking leaves and you don't have anything to say, that's usually fine in small doses. What makes awkward silences awkward is that you don't have anything else to do. If you don't have any reason to move your lips, you can start moving your hands instead. The activity acts as a safety net.

Get people talking about things they don't expect you to make useful responses to. A friend of yours is in a relationship? Ask them about it. They'll probably have some long story about some minor quarrel, and would actually get pissed off if you genuinely responded to it (they're just looking for some empty statements of agreement and sympathy). You know that your friend is obsessed with Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin? Bring him up, and just say either "wow, that's pretty cool" or "oh my god, that's terrible" depending on the friend's opinion.

Now, for some stuff not directed at the OP:

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

Philosophically, I'm something like a stoic or an epicurian. I absolutely believe that actually being asocial would be superior to being social, because having lower material thresholds for inner satisfaction is always a good thing. Here's the problem: nobody is asocial. Not even sociopaths. Some people just svck at meeting their social needs, and denying the existence of those needs isn't going to help them. I hope that, in the future, you come to be more honest with yourself, and learn to overcome your limitations.

I hope you're not suggesting Asperger's is a mental illness.
Mental weirdness, perhaps. Mental illness, no no no. :biggrin:

All I know is that if someone had told me about Asperger's earlier on in life, instead of giving me all the well meant advice like in this thread, I would be a much happier person today.

I have a serious problem with you. I get the distinct impression that you didn't find out about Aspergers from a professional with a Ph.D in Psychiatry. Aspergers is a mental illness. It's an axis II diagnosis on the DSM-IV-tr. There are some people who actually have this condition, and they usually need professional help to overcome it. This help usually involves a lot of efforts to socialize the diagnosed person.

You wouldn't trivialize a chronic physical illness. Don't trivialize mental illness.