So for the past year I've really been trying to get out there, make friends and actually talk to people, but for me its alot easier said than done. I don't know what my problem is, through texting and over facebook and things like that I can keep conversations going for hours, but when Im actually hanging with people i don't know what happens, I hardly speak, I just can't get words to come out of my mouth, and when I do say stuff, I can't keep a conversation going for more than like a couple minutes. I really want to become more social, but there's just something about talking with people face to face that I have trouble with, and I don't know why

You aren't meant for it. Take pride in being anti-social, for we are the superior kind.

Sorry, but I don't like being anti social, if this is superior I can honestly say i would rather be inferior :/

Try to find something that you both have in common. I had the same issue when I was younger, and it does svck, but you eventually learn to pick up on things. Like I said, when you are speaking to people try to pick up on hints about what they like. If not, you could always ask them what they like to do in their spare time, and they usually will tell you their hobbies, passions, etc. Once you do that you can expand on it, and that will eventually lead to other topics.

The main point is just don't give up, and just go for it. Heck, some of my best friends that I have know I met through over hearing them talking about certain video games, and I just started talking to them about it. Eventually you can't get us to shut up, lol.

I have this problem too. I absolutely svck at conversation, and everyone always comments on how quiet I am, but I've become WAY more social and talkative in the past year or so.

My honest advice? Stop giving a [censored]. Yeah. That's all I got. Just stop caring what people think, stop over-thinking what you should or shouldn't say in a conversation, and just say whatever comes to mind and realize you won't be judged as harshy as you imagine yourself being judged and even if you do, who cares? You don't care, and you know why you don't care? Because you stopped giving a [censored].

That's probably bad advice, because I reached that conclusion by less-than-pleasant means, and not caring seems like a bad thing, but hey, it works for me. I talk more now. I feel more confident now. It might be hard at first, but practice, and once the world doesn't end the first few times you throw yourself out there, it'll come easier each time.

Or maybe none of this applies to you and you are anti-social for completely different reasons than I am.

Start saying hi to random people if you can, sometimes it can turn into an actual conversation and is also good practice for socializing. I used to be terrible with talking to people. My job in fast food helped out a ton.

Vodka also helps.

Simple, talk with people and you will find they are a lot less scary than you actually think. Do you know why Alpha males do so well in society? Because we actually take initiative and start up the conversation and we learn the in's and outs of speech craft(obvious ES reference). I'm not trying to be sixist or masculine or anything like that...take it from a guy who's 5'3 and going US Army. It's about your presence, if you can't control who sees you your always going to be that kid back in the corner that nobody notices and makes fun of. If you find your self locking up when being spoken to say, I'm not very good with talking to other people as a conversation starter. It's up to you to start being more open. Don't be open in an annoying way, just have a simple one on one conversation or speak out in a group. People aren't terrible evil barbarians who will chop you down with every word you say. Working your way up to Alpha Male status isn't genetic imo, like wolves it can happen when the right opportunity strikes. Each and everyone of you who thinks your anti-social and is aware of it has just made the first step to becoming stronger and better.

Common interests. That always helps. That way you have something to talk about that you are familiar with.

And taking the time to actually get comfortable around people. And you'll want to find people who are also willing to try and keep the conversation going.

That's all I got. And I'm probably no good for advice because I'm horrifically anti-social and prefer it this way. I have a personality that most people around me find very, very strange and difficult to respond to, so the 'me' that I wear around other people is a reserved 'me' that I don't really like.

You could look up some information on Aspergers (InjuredMinds on youtube has some nice videos on the subject.)
It's one possible explanation for bad social skills, but only one of many.

It's kind of hard to give advice until you have figured out the answer to that "I don't know why" question of yours. And then you probably won't need the advice anymore. :confused:

I am the exact opposite of this, I can keep a conversation going forever face-to-face but while texting or on the phone I find it awkward. Do you have many friends? I can't really relate to your situation but maybe talking with your friends face-to-face more could help you.


How do you figure?

Having difficulty socializing does not immediately mean mental illness...

The advice could still be helpful. It's like suggesting if you aren't very good at a certain sport, you might be physically disabled. It could just be a need to practice, or find the right people, the right place, the right thing to talk about, and just getting better at it. There might be a certain tactic you need to adopt to make it easier, or something like that.

The fears & worries of being judged/rejected, or giving unintended potential offense, is a lot more intense face to face than in text or forums etc. Some people have a hard time re: those things, so oddly, the advice of stop caring as much (about those things) isn't too radical. Obviously, I don't advise being a purposeful asshat in person, but definitely try not to over-think each conversation/situation. Also, if the group is large, with a lot of give & take between multiple people, don't wait for a long "I'm finished speaking" pause to put in your two cents. People have different ideas of what "long pause" means and in a crowd, if you wait, you often end up waiting forever...eg, you're silent.

So speak up.

Don't worry, I shall teach you how to be social, here is a few things that you can say to start up a conversation properly and carry on one if worst comes to worst.

"I've got balls of Steel."

"I'm an equal opportunity ass kicker."

"You're an inspiration for birth control."

"Damn you're ugly."

"Blow it out you're ass."

"Come get some!"

Like most people said, just try yo talk to people. I know it's hard, trust me, I'm like you. I have a hard time talking to people. But once you realize it doesn't really matter if you're not really good at keeping a conversion going, (and it took me a really long time to realize that), you'll be more comfortable talking to people. If you have trouble to keep a conversion going on, tell yourself that's it's not just you that's not keeping the conversion going, it's the other person too by not talking. And I know it's hard because I have trouble too right now, but you have to persevere. Also alcohol helps too. But not too much haha. Some other stuff helps you realize that it doesn't matter all that much, but we can't talk about that on the forum .

Some people simply aren't naturally all that social, as in don't want to be around a bunch of others by nature, especially during their free time, and aren't much for smalltalk at all. This is perfectly okay. The issue that can arise is having difficulty socializing when it's actually necessary. In this case, it's just a matter of continuous exposure.

I hope you're not suggesting Asperger's is a mental illness.
Mental weirdness, perhaps. Mental illness, no no no. :biggrin:

All I know is that if someone had told me about Asperger's earlier on in life, instead of giving me all the well meant advice like in this thread, I would be a much happier person today.

But, to reassure the OP, you're most likely not an Aspie. It's a nice thing to cross off your list though.

I can go with this. When you stop worrying, things just flow easier. Of course that easier said than done. I read somewhere once that "they aren't thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves, just like you are right now". That always comes into my mind whenever I worry about how I'm coming across to someone new, because they've likely thinking the very same thing about themselves.
A good tip I found helped was reading the news. There's always something going on (what may be the main interest might be dependent on your age, social group or interests), and so you'll normally have something to bring up if the conversation lags. But if you do this, it might be best to stay away from certain "hot topics" that tend to polarise people. The forum rules here are a good example of what may or may not be suitable to bring up in casual conversation.
The best thing is to just keep on at it though. I reckon everyone here has had an awkward conversation with someone, had a faux pas or said something that they wished they hadn't. But once it's done it's done, and you learn from it and end up more confident in yourself because of it. I've found that generally people are pretty nice, and aren't going to ostracise you because you might be a little awkward. Some people even find it endearing.

I was the same. It was hell trying to create conversation with the girl I liked (we talked online constantly). I still sort of am like that still, but I don't venture beyond the people I'm comfortable with.

I used to think of conversation topics beforehand, so I'd have something to talk about :laugh:

Indeed. People seem far too keen to shout "zOMG Asperger's!" or "zOMG ADHD!", to the extent that 90% of teenagers seem to suffer from both these days.


Asperger's is a mental illness. It is an illness of the mind; a psychological disorder. It may not make people murderous sociopaths the way some other mental illnesses do, but that doesn't mean it isn't one. I suffered from depression for many years, and even now feel like I'm right on the brink sometimes. Would I have liked people describing it as a mental illness? No. But let's not fool ourselves. Rather than trying to pretend things aren't mental illnesses, just so we don't affect the delicate sensitivities of its sufferers, perhaps people should shift their focus to dispelling the belief that anyone with a mental illness belongs in the loony bin.



More on topic for the OP: Just socialise more, and the social skills will follow. Find people with shared interests, and it'll get a whole load easier. And don't concern yourself with sticking to one subject of conversation. Out of things to say? Just bring up something else.

The best way to talk to people is when there is a common interest involved. If there isn't, well then the conversation isn't going to go very far. You gotta find out what they're interested in and see if it's the same as anything you're interested in, then you can have a long conversation on it. Otherwise most conversations don't last that long.

Essentially what you are trying to do is manage an unconscious stress reaction that's due to anxiety about social status and fear of judgement.

There's three basic ways to deal with it (not mutually exclusive):
Placate your unconscious
Convince your unconscious
Subvert your unconscious

Placating your unconscious means that you do stuff to raise your confidence within the rules that your unconscious is expecting. E.g. take up boxing, take up debating, wear nice clothes and have a good haircut, and such things relating to social position.

Convincing your unconscious means that you come up with reasons why you don't need to feel the stress, and repeat them to yourself in stressful situations. In fact social judgement isn't usually that important, as people said above. This stress reaction is kind of an evolutionary relic to some extent. Your unconscious actually listens to what you think to yourself. If you find yourself having anxious thoughts, you should cut them off and think about something else.

Subverting your unconscious mainly means biofeedback type stuff. If you stand with perfect posture, you can fool your unconscious into thinking that you are confident. Posture is mainly a matter of balance and muscle control. Especially watch out for hunching your shoulders and other "submission" markers. You should also be aware of your "gaze", that is, eye movement. If you are in a submissive mode this affects where you are able to look and other stuff your eyes do. If you can get control over this it helps your confidence.

You can also subvert your unconscious by drinking booze, which shuts down various brain functions as you get more drunk. However, if you drink to relieve stress. you have an extremely good chance of turning that into a habit which then develops into alcoholism. That can ruin your life.

+1 for this guy.

I actually read something about this, that technology makes people anti-social. My teacher says that our generation doesn't know how to hold conversations face to face and that it puts us all in trouble because there will be moments where we need to step up.

I personally never have an issue with that, I can hold conversations through electronic and personal means. Maybe you just have a type of 'stage fright'. You hide behind the anonymity of a text message, or IM chat, giving you the confidence to call someone out, or talk freely on just about anything. If something goes wrong, you don't have to face the issue head on. You can always act as though you didn't receive a message, or it wasn't you who was messaging them. The electronic world is full of failsafe escapes and you like that. You can't handle dealing with potential issues personally because it doesn't give you time to think about how you'll react or give you a possible escape route. You probably prefer to deal with things from afar, you probably cannot handle rejection, criticism or arguments - especially not face to face.

I don't know, just my guess. :whistling:

People that talk much seem to think it's standard for human beings. I don't talk and used to consider it wrong somehow. I don't care about that anymore as I found out I am really talkative to people I connect with. People I have nothing to say to actually means it's a sign that I won't get much involved with them. Of course, there's the basic social attitude you need, like saying "hello how are you"... and answering it the same (which I still don't most of the time :shakehead: ). Now, when people say "you don't talk much do you?" I usually answer : "Nope". Here's an interesting http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-misleading-assumptions-you-make-about-quiet-people/?wa_user1=2&wa_user2=Weird+World&wa_user3=blog&wa_user4=feature_module.

A few tips, as far as I've figured over time: ask about them, people really just like to talk about themselves. I found out that when people ask me about some topics, I usually deliver.
Respect your quietness. Yes. I forced dialogue with aquaintances I didn't know much about and my instincts were right. If I don't know what I could talk about with them, it's probably because we don't have much in common. Quality over quantity is my motto. I don't waste my time with people that don't inspire me. Doesn't mean I'm a a-hole with them, just not as engaging.
To be quiet is NOT WRONG! People that talk much are usually louder and are at the center of attention. I don't like that. I think and mean what I say, I don't say all that I think. It personnaly takes me litteraly a year before I get confortable with someone. I used to think I was somehow wrong. I respect that now, as I found if I forced this needed time, I usually made a fool of myself. If I meet someone that's not willing to wait for my confort zone, he/she is not worth my time. Period. That may be harsh, but the few friends I've made are friends forever (some now I have a 20 years history with).

Respect your rythm.

Easiest way to become more sociable with anyone is to talk about them ask what they have been up to in the past few days and whatever they say try to relate to it.

A great way to practice is to be in areas with lots of people like a mall or grocery store and make cheesy light hearted comments on what you see, a woman drops an orange say that one almost got away! And always smile it will loosen you up and others will be more apt to talk